My Story - I'm Finally Here

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by tonyk1982, Jun 24, 2020.

  1. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Been struggling w PMO for almost 30 yrs. Sex addict, relationship addict, divorced twice. Sexually abused as a kid by family member. Amazing I've had a successful career. In and out of therapy my whole life. Third wife moved out left me a year ago. Always had great sex life with women and still did PMO with a vengeance at every chance. At the worst I would go for days PMO'ing. Have tried to quit for years and would last about two days. Lost my job when the COVID happened and when lockdown hit I decided I better try again otherwise I'd be at it 24/7. I would visit the forums here when I be drawn to the phone to distract myself and view P. My attention span sucks. Over the last three months I made it about 2 weeks at most and would have a brief instance relapse of PMO. Then abstain for a few days or week. A couple weekends ago I spent time with my separated wife and it didn't go well. Came home and went on a bender for like five days - 12 to 14 hours a day with PMO. What the heck was I doing??? finally pulled out of it and decided I better sign up and join the community and hopefully have a place to go instead of P sites. I read my story here and I'm stunned - how f'ed up has my life been. I got four days now with no PMO. Thanks for reading.
  2. r8js

    r8js Fapstronaut

    Welcome to nofap......

    Its nice to hear, u have successfull career and ur great full for other things in life....
    | Nico | likes this.
  3. Hi and welcome @tonyk1982 ... well done for joining and signing up. It might not always be as hot here ;) but it surely is honest and well worth it and can even be fun hehe. 4 days without PMO is good, really good. It won't be easy but you know that already. What helps is to come back here, read and share, get involved, ask and be of service to others. You have a lot to share, made your experiences, bad and good. That is all valuable.
    Any plans, idea for how long you wanna go without PMO to start with? Best is to go day by day. One day at a time. Not today. Tomorrow? We'll see. But not today ...
    | Nico | likes this.
  4. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    I don't really have a goal to be without PMO to start. I think you are right to just go day by day.
    | Nico | and kammaSati like this.
  5. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was a bad day. Ugh. Completely fell into it. It seems now when I relapse it isn't just a "quickie", it's all damn day. I am trying to be aware of my triggers and notice that when I get bad news about something or get meanness from that someone I look for escape. I will re-program to use this site as a go-to when I feel like that and am drawing towards P.
  6. One Eyed Owl

    One Eyed Owl Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap!!!
    | Nico | likes this.
  7. Welcome to the community ;) all the best on your journey, if you have any questions or concerns please dont hesitate to ask us. Have a great day.
  8. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Seeing the pattern again...Mondays are here I am diverting attention away from P sites.
  9. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    The Gary Wilson tedtalk was interesting. The part about ADHD not being a primary dysfunction but a symptom of porn addiction. My attention span has deteriorating over the years because I'd be constantly thinking about P and then shifting from my work task to clicking on P, then back and forth back and forth. Then I'd just stay on the P site. whole damn day goes by and no work done. Now even if I am not diverting to P I can't stay focused on a task for more than a minute or two and then I go to some other internet site, cuz I'm so used to switching from my primary activity. This has scrambled my brain wiring.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2020 at 1:56 PM
    Breakthrough23 likes this.
  10. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    There are triggers everywhere today...can't lie to myself.
    Monjkrwwwbc1425 likes this.
  11. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    day 3 - stressing over everything and just want to escape. read something this morning about slowing down the mind. continual tension forces the mind to make bad choices under a rush to solve something. that fix such as PMO is short lived and solves none of the problems that were there earlier. good luck to everyone today.
  12. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, welcome and good luck with this journey. You can do it! It will be rough, there’s no sugar coating it. You have to almost enjoy being miserable, because it means you’re making progress and rewiring the brain. But the suffering is worth it on the other side. I’m excited for you.
  13. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Mondays and Tuesdays are often when I relapse. will try hard to stay on track. If I make it through today it will be one week. I avoided certain triggers that have been occurring over the weekends so hopefully any temptations I have today won't show up. Any helpful thoughts from anyone on this would be appreciated. Thanks everyone.
  14. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    Hi Tony. Welcome to the forums! I have experienced very similar to you in my childhood and of course people cope or don't cope with these things to different degrees. For me, the best thing I ever did was seek some counselling as a last resort to try to come to terms with the things that happened. I was skeptical that after decades of hurt and confusion anything could be done for me but was so low that I thought I had nothing to lose. I can't tell you how effective my counselling was for me. It really helped to organize my thoughts about what had happened to me. The best bit for me was that as you'll know it's impossible to forget our past experiences but I discovered it is possible to kind of spring clean the brain and compartmentalize memories so you can tuck them out the way and stop yourself tripping over them everyday!

    Trying to relate my past to my decades of PMO self abuse is more complicated. In the past I have forgiven myself for a lot of things by going back to my childhood experiences and saying to myself, 'well what do you expect, of course you're going to do screwy things and make bad decisions because you got screwed up as a kid'. But I also think if I am honest that I have also probably used my past as a bit of an excuse to allow myself to make stupid decisions and then forgive myself afterwards. It may in a way have been a form of self harm. Who knows!?

    The good thing for me is that 26 days of being free of PMO abuse I am thinking back to The decades of addiction quite lucidly and I Am still getting palpitations that I was so out of control. I really can't blame past experiences on this. I am solely responsible for this mess and I will be solely responsible for making sure I never get myself into that situation again. I guess we can only make so many excuses before we have to look at ourselves and decide do we want to feel and act like a victim for the rest of our lives or do we want to draw a line across all the bad stuff in the past and move on in a much more positive light.

    I'm feeling quite optimistic for myself right now. I know our experiences are not quite the same but having seen all the incredibly insightful comments you have provided to date, I am very optimistic for your future too. We know its not easy to move forward as damaged goods but we do need to find ways to dump the baggage and get on with life. I think if you relate most of the incredibly useful thoughts and words to yourself you will realize that actually you do get it, your past, your PMO sprees, the self hurt, self doubt... it is all linked but with a bit of effort and willingness we can untangle the links and get on with life!!! Let's do it my friend.
    tonyk1982 and shyfox like this.
  15. Hi Tony welcome to NoFap. I like your approach and learning from your mistakes. In my opinion this is the key to recovery. Great job so far. All the best brother
  16. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your encouragement. Sometimes the loneliness of dealing with this on my own is overwhelming. I wish you well - stay strong!
  17. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    Feeling confident about staying away from PMO. I had a couple of potential distractions that could have lead me to P, and some stressful things as well. I used to think mindlessly that P would make me feel better but it really doesn't and I am finding strength in staying away from P. The habit of just going for a P site whenever multiple times a day isn't happening anymore. Of course I am coming here so that's good.
    Breakthrough23 likes this.
  18. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    I just this morning realized what a P-sub was and the effect it could have on me...internet sidebar ad for women's gym wear and a bikini babe popped up. I looked, and looked, mmm that looks nice...and then realized my mind was starting to wander towards the rabbit that and I'll just look at the workout apparel...riiiiight. The pending potential sequence of events knocked me right between the eyes. Holy sh1t this ain't where I want to go. I steered clear and got back to work. The ADHD kicked in and couldn't focus so I diverted here to check in.
    Breakthrough23 likes this.
  19. Good job so far tonyK. P-subs were actually my addiction from the very beginning. I didn't get into porn like most people here but I was heavily addicted to everything outside of that. It's great that you caught yourself in the act of looking. That still happens to me when I'm watching TV. Let's keep on keepin on
  20. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    thanks man. yeah the imagery is everywhere. hopefully over time the wired connection that causes the leap from seeing a tv scene of a hot babe to hitting PMO goes away. stay strong - all of us

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