Hello everyone, this is unexpected for me but I guess it had to happen at some point.
I want to start by asking you to please see beyond my actions, which I know some have been wrong, although I am hopeful this is a judgment free zone, so here it goes. It all began like most stories here, as in most cases I discovered porn when I hit puberty, then came masturbation. Even now I still see it as a common thing for teenagers to explore, but it became apparent when I started college that it was getting out of control; I couldn't get myself through with having sex, so everyday I would resort to watching porn, by that point I would still see it as a normal thing, but it got to the point where I would spend up to 4 hours just looking at it, this was in 2013, when I had just turned 18.
In 2018 I started studying for a 2nd degree after having graduated from my previous college on 2016, and the problem started to slow down fortunately, the university I enrolled to was much more demanding in time, so I basically went to campus and came to sleep right after classes were done. I want to get out that I lost my virginity to an escort in 2015, and for some reason I still don't know, I haven't been able to have sex outside of paying someone to do it, I don't know if it's bad luck, being "unattractive", or who knows what. I have had some potential relationships and probably two chances at having sex but it just didn't come to fruition for whatever reason. I have even searched actively for a sex partner at parties, or clubs or so, and for some of my friends seems so easy but for me it just doesn't happen. I have also rejected at least 4 people who have liked me, but I did it because I didn't feel the same way about them and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of having sex, and not loving that person and like them for who they truly are.
So back to my story, around February 2019, I suffered a big family loss, which led me to depression and I relapsed to watching porn again. Then i found out one of the actresses that I enjoyed watching had a profile on a webcam site, so I decided to give it a try, I contacted her and saw her in private shows two times, at which point I should have been done with it, but no, I started browsing the site and talking to girls, so it eventually became a daily thing, there was a sudden rush I felt everytime I hit the buttons to see who girl was next. After about three months I started to build relationships with these girls I saw, talking to them everyday and staying as much time as possible on the websites. After a while I discovered that it wasn't about the sexual pleasure anymore, but more of an emotional dependency, and the need to hear someone saying nice things to me on a daily basis. I don't consider myself a very ugly person, I see myself as slightly above average at most, and I have a ton of friends in college who are super nice to me and have improved my confidence and my happines in general, but everytime I would try to hook up with a girl, it just didn't happen, in most cases they just didn't like me or they only saw me as a friend, which is very typical and not surprising to me at all at this point in my life, and believe me I have tried to get a girlfriend for the last 3 years, but it hasn't happened.
So between January and April 2020, I developed romantic feelings for at least three girls on the website, going as far as making phone calls with them, after a while they all ghosted, at which point I realized how dumb I was thinking that girls like them would care about someone who they only see through a computer screen, I finally noticed that the vast majority of girls working on those sites will tell you anything for money, one of them got as far as saying we were already in a relationship, and another girl was even talking me into buying plane tickets to go see her in her home country, and I think the worst part is I truly convinced myself something like that was possible, since everything in my daily life had failed, I thought why not give this a chance? I've seen it happen, couples who first met online having a happy life after they meet in person, but the fact that something like that happened to other people it doesn't mean it will happen to me, and I deeply regret not realizing it up until that point. I wouldn't say it became a huge money problem, it did become a problem, but not as bad as it could have been because I didn't really spent that much money, although I know now that all of that could have been used for some other priorities I had back then.
Around March of this year, when worldwide lockdowns started was when I hit rock bottom, after the last girl I talked to from the websites ghosted me and told me after some time that she was with someone else. I reevaluated all my life choices up to that point and suffered greatly because I live alone now and I didn't wanted to tell anyone close to me about this problem, so I stopped going to these sites abruptly and recovered from the emotional dependency the websites were causing me, and I felt great, even my desires to watch porn daily had vanished and I was starting to get on the right track again, until about two weeks ago when I relapsed and started going to the websites and spending money on them again, and although it might sound as a cheap excuse, the lockdown has in some way affected me, since I haven't seen any friends or family in months, the need for social interactions beyond messaging with my friends everyday, grew to the point where I needed to go back there.
Right now I only log in to just one website and I just talk to this one girl, who has been very nice and hasn't made fake promises or proposals just for the sake of getting money out of me, but I still know it's wrong, I am aware of the fact that nothing I do will end up in a serious relationship with any type of girl on there, so that's why I am here telling my story, hoping to get some encouragement for leaving this, which still is an emotional dependency to speak with someone who seems to like me. I also want to clarify I do talk with most of my friends on a daily basis, but as some might expect, none of them with romantic intentions.
If you got this far I want to thank you for taking the time to read through all of it and I send you good vibes through this hard times, and I would appreciate your opinion on this matter so we can have a proper discussion about some of the topics I have brought up.
Thank you,
L.
I want to start by asking you to please see beyond my actions, which I know some have been wrong, although I am hopeful this is a judgment free zone, so here it goes. It all began like most stories here, as in most cases I discovered porn when I hit puberty, then came masturbation. Even now I still see it as a common thing for teenagers to explore, but it became apparent when I started college that it was getting out of control; I couldn't get myself through with having sex, so everyday I would resort to watching porn, by that point I would still see it as a normal thing, but it got to the point where I would spend up to 4 hours just looking at it, this was in 2013, when I had just turned 18.
In 2018 I started studying for a 2nd degree after having graduated from my previous college on 2016, and the problem started to slow down fortunately, the university I enrolled to was much more demanding in time, so I basically went to campus and came to sleep right after classes were done. I want to get out that I lost my virginity to an escort in 2015, and for some reason I still don't know, I haven't been able to have sex outside of paying someone to do it, I don't know if it's bad luck, being "unattractive", or who knows what. I have had some potential relationships and probably two chances at having sex but it just didn't come to fruition for whatever reason. I have even searched actively for a sex partner at parties, or clubs or so, and for some of my friends seems so easy but for me it just doesn't happen. I have also rejected at least 4 people who have liked me, but I did it because I didn't feel the same way about them and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of having sex, and not loving that person and like them for who they truly are.
So back to my story, around February 2019, I suffered a big family loss, which led me to depression and I relapsed to watching porn again. Then i found out one of the actresses that I enjoyed watching had a profile on a webcam site, so I decided to give it a try, I contacted her and saw her in private shows two times, at which point I should have been done with it, but no, I started browsing the site and talking to girls, so it eventually became a daily thing, there was a sudden rush I felt everytime I hit the buttons to see who girl was next. After about three months I started to build relationships with these girls I saw, talking to them everyday and staying as much time as possible on the websites. After a while I discovered that it wasn't about the sexual pleasure anymore, but more of an emotional dependency, and the need to hear someone saying nice things to me on a daily basis. I don't consider myself a very ugly person, I see myself as slightly above average at most, and I have a ton of friends in college who are super nice to me and have improved my confidence and my happines in general, but everytime I would try to hook up with a girl, it just didn't happen, in most cases they just didn't like me or they only saw me as a friend, which is very typical and not surprising to me at all at this point in my life, and believe me I have tried to get a girlfriend for the last 3 years, but it hasn't happened.
So between January and April 2020, I developed romantic feelings for at least three girls on the website, going as far as making phone calls with them, after a while they all ghosted, at which point I realized how dumb I was thinking that girls like them would care about someone who they only see through a computer screen, I finally noticed that the vast majority of girls working on those sites will tell you anything for money, one of them got as far as saying we were already in a relationship, and another girl was even talking me into buying plane tickets to go see her in her home country, and I think the worst part is I truly convinced myself something like that was possible, since everything in my daily life had failed, I thought why not give this a chance? I've seen it happen, couples who first met online having a happy life after they meet in person, but the fact that something like that happened to other people it doesn't mean it will happen to me, and I deeply regret not realizing it up until that point. I wouldn't say it became a huge money problem, it did become a problem, but not as bad as it could have been because I didn't really spent that much money, although I know now that all of that could have been used for some other priorities I had back then.
Around March of this year, when worldwide lockdowns started was when I hit rock bottom, after the last girl I talked to from the websites ghosted me and told me after some time that she was with someone else. I reevaluated all my life choices up to that point and suffered greatly because I live alone now and I didn't wanted to tell anyone close to me about this problem, so I stopped going to these sites abruptly and recovered from the emotional dependency the websites were causing me, and I felt great, even my desires to watch porn daily had vanished and I was starting to get on the right track again, until about two weeks ago when I relapsed and started going to the websites and spending money on them again, and although it might sound as a cheap excuse, the lockdown has in some way affected me, since I haven't seen any friends or family in months, the need for social interactions beyond messaging with my friends everyday, grew to the point where I needed to go back there.
Right now I only log in to just one website and I just talk to this one girl, who has been very nice and hasn't made fake promises or proposals just for the sake of getting money out of me, but I still know it's wrong, I am aware of the fact that nothing I do will end up in a serious relationship with any type of girl on there, so that's why I am here telling my story, hoping to get some encouragement for leaving this, which still is an emotional dependency to speak with someone who seems to like me. I also want to clarify I do talk with most of my friends on a daily basis, but as some might expect, none of them with romantic intentions.
If you got this far I want to thank you for taking the time to read through all of it and I send you good vibes through this hard times, and I would appreciate your opinion on this matter so we can have a proper discussion about some of the topics I have brought up.
Thank you,
L.
