My story

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Abduzcan, Jun 17, 2020.

  1. Abduzcan

    Abduzcan Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone, this is unexpected for me but I guess it had to happen at some point.

    I want to start by asking you to please see beyond my actions, which I know some have been wrong, although I am hopeful this is a judgment free zone, so here it goes. It all began like most stories here, as in most cases I discovered porn when I hit puberty, then came masturbation. Even now I still see it as a common thing for teenagers to explore, but it became apparent when I started college that it was getting out of control; I couldn't get myself through with having sex, so everyday I would resort to watching porn, by that point I would still see it as a normal thing, but it got to the point where I would spend up to 4 hours just looking at it, this was in 2013, when I had just turned 18.

    In 2018 I started studying for a 2nd degree after having graduated from my previous college on 2016, and the problem started to slow down fortunately, the university I enrolled to was much more demanding in time, so I basically went to campus and came to sleep right after classes were done. I want to get out that I lost my virginity to an escort in 2015, and for some reason I still don't know, I haven't been able to have sex outside of paying someone to do it, I don't know if it's bad luck, being "unattractive", or who knows what. I have had some potential relationships and probably two chances at having sex but it just didn't come to fruition for whatever reason. I have even searched actively for a sex partner at parties, or clubs or so, and for some of my friends seems so easy but for me it just doesn't happen. I have also rejected at least 4 people who have liked me, but I did it because I didn't feel the same way about them and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of having sex, and not loving that person and like them for who they truly are.

    So back to my story, around February 2019, I suffered a big family loss, which led me to depression and I relapsed to watching porn again. Then i found out one of the actresses that I enjoyed watching had a profile on a webcam site, so I decided to give it a try, I contacted her and saw her in private shows two times, at which point I should have been done with it, but no, I started browsing the site and talking to girls, so it eventually became a daily thing, there was a sudden rush I felt everytime I hit the buttons to see who girl was next. After about three months I started to build relationships with these girls I saw, talking to them everyday and staying as much time as possible on the websites. After a while I discovered that it wasn't about the sexual pleasure anymore, but more of an emotional dependency, and the need to hear someone saying nice things to me on a daily basis. I don't consider myself a very ugly person, I see myself as slightly above average at most, and I have a ton of friends in college who are super nice to me and have improved my confidence and my happines in general, but everytime I would try to hook up with a girl, it just didn't happen, in most cases they just didn't like me or they only saw me as a friend, which is very typical and not surprising to me at all at this point in my life, and believe me I have tried to get a girlfriend for the last 3 years, but it hasn't happened.

    So between January and April 2020, I developed romantic feelings for at least three girls on the website, going as far as making phone calls with them, after a while they all ghosted, at which point I realized how dumb I was thinking that girls like them would care about someone who they only see through a computer screen, I finally noticed that the vast majority of girls working on those sites will tell you anything for money, one of them got as far as saying we were already in a relationship, and another girl was even talking me into buying plane tickets to go see her in her home country, and I think the worst part is I truly convinced myself something like that was possible, since everything in my daily life had failed, I thought why not give this a chance? I've seen it happen, couples who first met online having a happy life after they meet in person, but the fact that something like that happened to other people it doesn't mean it will happen to me, and I deeply regret not realizing it up until that point. I wouldn't say it became a huge money problem, it did become a problem, but not as bad as it could have been because I didn't really spent that much money, although I know now that all of that could have been used for some other priorities I had back then.

    Around March of this year, when worldwide lockdowns started was when I hit rock bottom, after the last girl I talked to from the websites ghosted me and told me after some time that she was with someone else. I reevaluated all my life choices up to that point and suffered greatly because I live alone now and I didn't wanted to tell anyone close to me about this problem, so I stopped going to these sites abruptly and recovered from the emotional dependency the websites were causing me, and I felt great, even my desires to watch porn daily had vanished and I was starting to get on the right track again, until about two weeks ago when I relapsed and started going to the websites and spending money on them again, and although it might sound as a cheap excuse, the lockdown has in some way affected me, since I haven't seen any friends or family in months, the need for social interactions beyond messaging with my friends everyday, grew to the point where I needed to go back there.

    Right now I only log in to just one website and I just talk to this one girl, who has been very nice and hasn't made fake promises or proposals just for the sake of getting money out of me, but I still know it's wrong, I am aware of the fact that nothing I do will end up in a serious relationship with any type of girl on there, so that's why I am here telling my story, hoping to get some encouragement for leaving this, which still is an emotional dependency to speak with someone who seems to like me. I also want to clarify I do talk with most of my friends on a daily basis, but as some might expect, none of them with romantic intentions.

    If you got this far I want to thank you for taking the time to read through all of it and I send you good vibes through this hard times, and I would appreciate your opinion on this matter so we can have a proper discussion about some of the topics I have brought up.

    Thank you,
  2. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Sorry for your hard times my friend.

    You can overcome these web sites , you must have the courage to get out.
    You'll never be alone , with a girlfriend or without a girl.
    Often in a real relationship we feel alone too...

    Seems like you only need some emotional support.
    it's understandable, but start a diary here. Rely more with your loved ones, people you see in everyday life
  3. Abduzcan

    Abduzcan Fapstronaut

    I am just now seeing your reply, thank you for taking the time to read what I posted. I am still trying to figure out what is is that I need to avoid all these things that are still controlling over my actions to this day. I am still unsure on how the journal here works. Still, I wish you good luck and send you good vibes.
    | Nico | likes this.
  4. smokeshade

    smokeshade Fapstronaut

    Just read through all of this. Thought I'd chime in.

    To be honest, you sound like a decent person. Mainly because you didn't get into relationships with girls that you didn't feel you had a connection with because you didn't want it to be a one-sided relationship. When you started the paragraph off, I thought you were going to delve into something heinous because you started off thinking you were going to be judged, but I'm not judging you at all. I can't speak from personal experience with the cam sites thing because I haven't gotten involved in that, but what I will say is this: having a girlfriend/sex partner often doesn't always abstain someone from masturbation when they're addicted to it. Sex is a bit different, and there are those who are in a relationship that are still addicted to it. As palindromo pointed out, it sounds like you need emotional support, which is probably why the chatting with the girls on the website went from masturbation to communication.
    I think (when you're ready) you might want to just leave those websites behind. And by that I mean completely deleting all the profiles you have on all of them so you don't have a reason to go back to them. It sounds like you already know that's what you should do. As well as deleting all the porn on your system (if you have any). It's a tremendous weight that gets lifted off your shoulders when you erase all that and start anew. Hopefully someone else who is more experienced with those type of websites can chime in on advice on how to do walk away from those.
    Also, as far as looking for someone goes, a lot of people are going to tell you to 'be yourself' and that phrase is loathsome because it's not really helpful. I think what people really are trying to say is "work on yourself". As in focus on making yourself a better person than you were yesterday, and it sounds like you've already started to do that by making a decision to turn things around. If you use your energy to make yourself a better person daily, then others will respond to it and want to be around you. Right now it's kind of tough to do that during lockdown, but now is the perfect time to clear the mind because we're not being bogged down by the daily hustle. There's a silver lining to everything.

    Anyways, I hope some of this helped and I hope you start to feel better and let the past be in the past. You have it in you to make yourself better.
  5. Abduzcan

    Abduzcan Fapstronaut


    Wow, thank you very much for this response. You actually hit the nail on many things I have felt in te past week, since I first posted

    Wow. Thank you for taking the time to read it all, I think you hit the nail on some things I have been thinking in the past week since I first posted this. And also thanks for the encouragement words, that’s very helpful, the idea of shutting down the accounts has crossed my mind and I think I am ready to do it very soon. I am still struggling with the emotional dependency
    Wow!! Thank you very much for taking the time to read it and for your well thought response. You hit the nail on some of the things I have been thinking in the past week since I posted this, It has crosses my mind about deleting all the accounts and I think I’m ready to do it very soon. I am still struggling with some form of emotional dependency but every day it becomes even more clear that I am actually getting nowhere with still trying to go to those websites and that sometimes I just drown myself in a cup of water. Anyway, I’m glad I could have your feedback and look forward to keeping the discussion about what comes in the next few days.

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