NEED HELP did i actually relapse?

Reset, not relapse. A relapse is an intentional choice to abandon your endeavor and whack that mole to some hardcore P, where a reset is a perhaps necessary lapse in the journey.

It's up to you, to count this as a reset or not. You did O, that's listed on your counter. You did as a result of searching material on the Internet, that runs close to the behavior you're trying to eliminate. And I would be completely honest with myself; was there any element of edging, trying to get this P adjacent stuff, playing on the margins of what is "legal" going on here?
37's a good streak, definitely something to be proud of. Progress in rewiring has been made, and lessons have hopefully been learned. There's no shame or recrimination in working through the process. Regardless of what you choose to do with your counter, though, I would avoid researching your kink for now. I also understand your curiosity, but knowing why probably isn't crucial at this point. It's definitely something you'll want to learn about yourself, but at a later time. For the moment, sexual curiosity is probably detrimental to your rewiring.

 

You know where you're at, so I respect your choice. I've been there as well, I know that haunted feeling of knowing I made a bad choice, but also knowing what is likely to happen if I throw out that symbol of progress. I reiterate, you have made real progress no matter what. You're still fighting, still rewiring, and you still learned. Hopefully.

It's good to be honest with yourself, so moving forward you know what your actual limits are. Don't play with that fire. There's more strength in knowing where you're at and what you can handle, and respecting your own limitations, than in pretending you are capable of more than you are and acting like you can handle more than you really can. Exploring the reason behind the kink is really just an excuse for indulging a lighter version of the kink, at least it is at this point, so I suggest you leave that part of the recovery process and self discovery for another time.

 

Very well said. There's a lot of self compassion in that statement.

I have the same fetishes (and a few related ones) and totally get how such a simple story could trigger a massive dopamine rush. I've had a few similar experiences where a real life situation would trigger the spontaneous emission without an erection.

We slip, we stumble, and sometimes we fall. But we get back up and we learn from it.