Never actually enjoyed sex :(

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by scjguy, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    Hi, guys!
    Marcus here, 26 yo, at my 3rd attempt (1st one lasted 40 days; 2nd 5 days, both a long time ago).

    I'm gay, completely ok with my sexuality, and hope this doesn't prevent you from reading the entire post, and I'll try to summarize my story:

    Never had ANY childhood experiences with neighbors or cousins of any sex, at all. Started fapping at +-11 just to the sensation of my hand on my nick, nothing on mind. A little later, on my way to school, accidentally found a page ripped from a magazine that contained scenes of a man and woman having sex and felt extremely aroused by the man, and started visiting that place every morning going to school just to see those images.

    Months later, got my first computer with internet, already knowing I was only attracted to men, and started going through sex stuff online and PMing which continued to this day (15 years).

    Only started kissing and having sex at the age of 18! But every time I had sex, to make my penis hard and reach an orgasm I've had to think of a porn scene or erotic story. Can anyone else relate?

    I'm so terrified of never actually starting to like sex for what it is, and also afraid as to how I should approach a partner. Anyone in the same boat?
     
    Awakening123 likes this.
  2. HandsOffDong

    HandsOffDong Guest

    So are you gay or asexual..

    You don't HAVE to enjoy sex...we are all different.
     
  3. TheMeInMe

    TheMeInMe Fapstronaut

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    you PIED, Stop watching porn and you will be fine!
     
  4. Nf_dreamer

    Nf_dreamer Fapstronaut

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    Hello...
    I am not going to judge on you because you are a gay or somthing... :D

    But because I am a muslim, Let me give you a little advice..

    In Islam there are big sins and other lower sins... All are forbidden :p but doing a lower sins is better than doing big ones but for sure not doing any of them is the best:cool:

    In sexual sins ( if we order it from lower sins to higher once) :

    - Seeing sexy pic or look to women with sexual desire.
    - PMO
    - any sexual relations with girls outside of marriage.
    - having real sex with girls without marriage ( and it is worst if it is an affair)

    And on the top...
    - having sex with men ( be gay o_O)

    And I think all of the above sins are forbidden too in christianity and judsim.

    And we muslims believe that god dose not make anything forbidden unless it has bad effect on the person's life.

    These days everyone says that homosexual is normal even in some muslims countries :eek: because they follow the global media whose the same they says PMO is good for you :D but one day the disadvantages of homosexual will flow on the river but after many people get hurt of it.

    My advice is during your journey to stop PMO (by the way I am on day 22) I hope you can over this gay thing and found real partner ( I mean real beautiful girl :oops:)... And since you do not enjoy sex maybe this is a sign to try a girl :D and it is never too late to change your interest.

    Good luck
     
  5. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! All are welcome here, and there is no reason you should worry about being judged here.

    (While you don't need my validation, I think it's fine that you are gay).

    The problem you mention is a common one. You are not broken. Sex is a dance between tension and relaxation. It takes time to learn that dance, and it doesn't come easily to all people. Because you've been doing this dance with erotica material, it can make it much harder to relax and learn what it's like to achieve release with a partner.

    Don't worry though. This is usually fixable (but it will require some willpower and a partner that is willing to be patient). There are no promises in NoFap. But it can NoFap can help you take a break, and clear you're mind so that you are ready to learn again in the optimum setting. (In short, you have to let go of expectations so that you can find more fulfillment. It also means letting go of control, and opening your vulnerability to your partner)

    I encourage you to join us in doing the reboot, and staying strong.

    Try your best not to engage in any sexual arousal behavior, or gratification while on your reboot. Again, you are trying to empty your mind, and give enough pause to unlearn expectations. If you do end up masturbating, please don't use any visual materials (or fantasy). (You were far better when you were just able to use your hands alone). This may take time to master. Just don't give up. The process does work (I'm +45 days myself, and can see changes already).

    Once you've given the reboot a shot, you will need to find a patient partner to explore with. In short, your next intercourse should be one of slow learning, and finding what feels best, rather than a race to 'complete'. Again, you will need to find a place of relaxation and trust, and you can't do that if you are too worried about how you will finish. This is also a session in which you will need to be able to control your mind, and 'stay present in the moment' so that you can focus on what you are feeling. (In your first session, you may not orgasm (again, that is ok) as you just need to open up to the experience, and focus on finding pleasure without pushing a goal).

    There is no magic or trick to approaching a partner. When it works, it works. Just stay confident in the fact that its just as much a mystery to them as it is to you. You do get to choose what is acceptable to you, and you don't have to settle. Confidence comes in time, but it also comes with taking your time, and not being in a rush to prove anything.

    I would encourage you to start a journal here, and allow others to join in the conversation and support you in your reboot.

    In any case, you are among people that understand and want to support you. I hope your reboot will bring you peace and the changes you desire.
     
  6. Kim hanson

    Kim hanson Fapstronaut

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    Brother there are only 2 solutions for PMO.

    First is Marriage

    Secondly is Fasting

    There is no third, but we only lack the will power to follow these solutions. I hate Porn because firat is a Major sin. We misuse alot of blessings that our LORD has given us as a test to see who will be grateful and who gonna be ungrateful. We misuse the Eyes by watching filthies, We misuseour ears by listening to evils, we misuse the Time by spending it in unbeneficial stuffs that destroy our world and our hereafter.

    But the best thing to clear off these sins is to REPENT and seek a way to amend our affair
     
  7. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    Hey, everyone! Thanks for the replies!

    About the sexuality thing (gay), like I said, I have no issues with this at all. I'm not discussing sins or religion here, because I don't believe or miss it, either. My spiritual and sexual-orientation life is fine!

    For the guy who asked me if I'm gay or asexual: I'm definitely gay, but the "active" type. I'm super attracted to male ass, and I can definitely get a boner just by seeing it, but this is exactly the problem: the visual feels much better than the sensation itself. I do like penetrating, but the pleasure is like 5% I get from porn, and it's all about the pressure/tightness I get on my penis, the guy must work hard - sorry for the openness!

    I'm currently at 16 days of no PMO, and it hasn't been extremely hard; the only problem is idle time. I've been watching a lot of series to pass the free time.

    My main fear is ending up in bed with someone (I get naturally aroused just by touching, kissing, etc), and having to think of a porn scene to maintain my erection during penetration and to come. I feel that it would certainly undermine my progression and be pointless.
     
  8. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    True, but, like I said, I can get it hard, the problem is maintaining it throughout, which I assumed to be porn induced ED. I mean, I do not discard the possibility of being a bottom, but my post here was just wondering if anyone here (I'm asking straight guys as well, obviously) felt the same: never having enjoyed actual penetration to the fullest due to P.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2017
  9. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Not to throw fitness in your face as an answer..... but fitness is awesome.

    With your free time, you want to consider some kind of cardio exercise. Take up walking, running, cycling, or whatever. Better cardio helps reduce weight, stress, and improves stamina and the quality of your blood oxygenation (which read as better erections).

    In short, a little cardio can be good to help fill the empty time, and give you one more way in which to approach better fulfillment.

    Another suggestion, especially in your case (it's helping me), is daily meditation. There are proven effects for it. Specifically, you want 'mindfulness' meditation. It will help you become better body aware, and stay focused when in the bedroom to help with that break through. (I found some free ones I like on 'headspace')

    I'm practicing this now, and while I haven't quite made it over. Staying more mindful has helped me communicate more with my GF in our sessions, so that I fill more confident in communicating and finding sensations that work.
     
    scjguy likes this.
  10. HandsOffDong

    HandsOffDong Guest

    What is it about male ass that turns you on? I personally couldn't look twice at some dudes behind. Seems like you don't really, really enjoy it yourself. I think your mind has been corrupted by porn? Making you do shit you don't like, just brainwashed visually?
     
  11. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I apologize if this comes of harsh. I don't wish to be that. But this question doesn't strike me as a far question to @scjguy.

    I love female breasts. I like the way the look. I like to hold them. I like them in lingerie...etc. I also like tight abs, and toned legs. I have no way to express 'why', other than to say I like, love, and excited by it.

    To a woman, Breasts are just lumps of fat that they have to care for by wearing uncomfortable garments to cover and support, and which they have to put up with the likes of me look at them. Most of the women that I know that had larger breast had no sensation in them, so they were just another part of their bodies. Most women just don't really get why I would pay any attention to them.

    Sometimes we just find something attractive, exciting, comforting. It doesn't have to be directly involved in the process of intercourse to be arousing. Trying to explain it to someone that doesn't share the same identity wouldn't be possible.

    So even if he did explain his attraction, assuming that you are not also gay, how would you know what he is saying is true? (A more fair question, do you also desire a relationship with a man, or is this sexual only?)

    People that are dealing with confusion from porn, find that images are invading their thoughts, and they are unwanted. They can't understand them, and they don't find men attractive, nor want a loving relationship with a man. They feel worry, shame, guilt, and most of all confusion. There is a sexual only component, and a fixation on a particular attribute/quality.

    (He has none of those things, so it's best we respect him to have his preference/identity without having to explain it) I can't explain 'why' I'm heterosexual.

    Dysfunction in sex can come to any of us, no matter what preferences/identity we have. That is what he has asked help with, and that is what we can provide positive experience to support him with.
     
  12. HandsOffDong

    HandsOffDong Guest

    It was a pretty good question imo... I mean he said penetrating a dudes behind is like 5% of pleasure compared to porn which is visual. You actually have to like a muscular male ass in order to do it, so how does he? That is my question.

    It's up to him, I don't care but it seems odd. Maybe it is more platonic love or asexual.

    And no I am definitely not gay.
     
  13. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

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    Why are people having such an issue answering his question? The gay part seems to be throwing everyone off, when in fact it doesn't have anything to do with the question he asked. If he said he was 100% straight and has been hooked on straight porn since age 11, and wants to know it could be affecting his sexual performance, the answer would be relatively straightforward wouldn't it?

    Come on, people.
     
  14. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god, yes, I can't believe people are shifting the direction of the post. I'll state for the third time, being attracted to males is not a problem in my life!! And FYI it's not just about sex; I do feel attracted to men in all senses and have been in love once and had a relationship as well. Thank you PositiveChange1974 and MonsterCarrot for explaining this!

    Now back to the question: I'm still in hopes of finding someone (regardless of orientation) who started their very sexual experiences with porn and preferred porn to actual sex and got over this!
     
  15. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thank you so much for the attention you've been giving with these two replies. I'm enrolled in the gym and lift weight every day, 5 days a week, preceded by a short cadio. I lose weight very fast and right now I'm thin, so I don't really care about cardio. But yes, the gym is definitely a therapy. Plus, I work from home, so that's basically my social life, lol!
     
  16. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I have gotten over that (but still recovering). I'll explain.

    (I'm sorry this will be a very very long post.... but figured it would all be relevant. Forgive me, but I think it may completely answer your questions, it's just so long. )

    I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 22. I had access to video tape porn at a younger age, and had managed to buy a collection by that age. I also used to practice (prone) masturbation.

    All of this left me with a lot less sensations in sex. It was a full year with my ex wife before I could climax with her. In that year, I had no real space for masturbation or access to porn. Since then, I've been able to regularly vaginally achieve completion, but only if I was driving (and usually after a great amount of time like 40-60 minutes)

    Then things took a turn for the worse....

    I won't recap the whole story of my ex, but after our second child was born, her sexual drive dropped off sharply. We were only intimate every 6 weeks to 3 months, and she made it difficult to approach her (I was constantly rejected). About that time, I got access to broadband internet, and was able to find porn easily. I filled the gap for 14 years that way, until in the last 4 years, I found I was getting mild-ED with her, and it was difficult to complete.

    I found that I had 'delayed ejaculation'. It wasn't until my adult life that I even knew that was a thing. But I have found when I've been masturbating daily, or even twice a week, that my sexual reserves are rather empty and I had little to give in the bedroom. Not to get too details, but this is very real visibility on my ejaculate. It goes from a slow somewhat smaller quantity (even a dribble at times), to (with a pause of 3-4 weeks), a stream with after shocks and multiple pulses (My hydration level seems to be a factor in this, with more hydration being better). (I knew this before I had even found NoFap). I knew that my sexual function had limits and that masturbation caused those limits to be reached, and masturbation with porn took me well beyond.)

    Fast forward to today, I've have a very understanding and willing GF. When she isn't traveling, I rarely have to wait more than a week. I'm doing NoFap to achieve the goal of getting to a point where she can 'take me'. I've never had a woman bring me off through oral or manual manipulation. Some partners feel it's a test of their worth and are very excited to see the pleasure they are creating. My lack of response is a silent slap to my partners. I want to give her that gift to show her how much she means to me. For that, I've remove all porn from my existence 45 days ago. My erections have returned (but still not as rigid). (However, due to travel and conflicts in schedules, the last time we were intimate for inter-vaginal intercourse was less than three weeks into the reboot, and that wasn't enough for me to overcome the issue. I'm hoping that soon, I will have a different success story to tell.

    To recap, I have had regain of sensation, and been able to achieve better ejaculation, simply by refraining from any prior sex greater than 2 weeks. I was able to prove this several times in my marriage by trying to time it so that I was ready when she was (very frustrating given the length, and uncertainty). But I have never been able to relax my mind and body to a place where a partner could take control. (I've had intense sensations, and felt things move/pulse with need, but never had it fire off). To do this, I'm doing the full NoFap regiment, and I'm already past my longest time waiting without PMO.

    I have great hope. But there are many things I'm doing to support my NoFap effort. I'm not sure which one is going to be the biggest factor, as they all overlap.

    1. Doing NoFap reboot (no porn, p-subs, and no masturbation during this period).... In the first two weeks of my reboot I did try masturbation without porn, but it didn't help with the ejaculate area, so I gave it up to give myself the best shot.

    2. Doing foreskin maintenance with a skin lotion. I purchased man 1 man oil as I often was red and sometimes inflamed after masturbation. This is a highly recommended penile lotion. But I've also tried gold bonds 'healing'. I think the man 1 has additional benifits, but the gold bonds seems to be a heavier cream, and stays better. I've been doing that for 2.5 months. And the skin is changing colors in places to a smooth texture, and a more purple hue. Wrinkles seem to be disappearing. I think I'm getting some better sensations (but with the reboot, I may just be noticing it more)

    3. I'm practicing mindfulness meditations and my own bad attempt of 'sensate focus'. Sex therapists believe that we have associated porn to our sex behavior, and to undo this, we need to learn to relax, trust our partner, and feel confident in communicating with them for directions. This requires I be 'present in the moment' in the bedroom. For that I'm doing a daily meditation which is supposed to assist in allowing your thoughts to flow without distracting you, while you are more aware of your body. Sensate focus is again a practice where you pursue pleasure (but not orgasm). For this I 'stay present' in the bedroom, and force myself not to allow any pics, videos, or erotica concepts into my mind. I think try to actual guide her hands/head to better spots. I also 'self narrate' what is going on, what she is doing, what I feel, what I am doing, so as to keep my mind engaged, and still focusing on what is going on. (there is more to sensate focus than what I'm doing).

    4. Practicing Kegels. I have no idea of this is will help. Seems sketchy for a man with ED to practice kegel's. But supposedly it strengthens the ejaculatory valve functions which may allow for better release when it's time. It also is supposed to assist with strengthening erections.

    5. Practicing the mental state of 'seek your pleasure first', and 'seek pleasure don't force orgasm'. One of the articles I found had counselor state that men of delayed ejaculation often try to over compensate and worry about their partner. So they prioritizing the partner first. The counselor stated that the dynamics are better in sexual intercourse if (the male) seeks his pleasure first, or seeks pleasure first (equally). It doesn't mean abuse or ignore your partner, but it means mentally give yourself permission put yourself first, and seek your pleasure with that permission. It's kind of a slap on the head to 'get to it'. But that leads me to the second part. The counselors also said we can create stress if we worry, when or if we are going to orgasm. They said to place pleasure and your time with the partner first. Find pleasure, but don't worry about how it will end. Make the effort about connecting, and feeling good, and if a finish happens then great, but don't measure success that way. (Strangely enough they say when you do that, it removes stress, and the ejaculation occurs without you have to push for it).

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Things that I tried that absolutely didn't work:
    1. I tried ED meds. I didn't like them. (Gave me headaches, muscle soreness, and sniffles). It gave me stronger erections, and they were easier to achieve. But it didn't grant any additional sensations, and (see the part about ejaculate above) ejaculate was still small. So didn't actually address my goal.

    2. Tried a 'hands free' male toy (octopulse). Supposedly this toy has sonic vibrations that have seen success granting release to men with debilitated ED. I had hoped I could put this on, and it would 'take me', so that I could learn to let go without being in control. It felt nice, but never pushed the sensations to a place that would cause me a release. In fact, I felt like I still needed to hold it (so it wasn't actually hands free). There are other toys and different configurations, so it's still possible that this might work. But I think the NoFap route will be far more successful.

    3. I receive testosterone supplement treatment. While from a medical place I was low, and needed it for regular energy levels. I place it here in the 'failed' category, because it didn't change anything in my erections, or quality of sex. It does give me a better frequency in libido, but nothing really changed for sex because of the T-therapy
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Things I have not tried, but considered:

    1. I have never tried prostate massage. Supposedly this creates an instant and involuntary release. Others I've read said that it is more like just an ejaculation without the sensation of orgasm. Some I've read said it was knee buckling starz in eyes orgasm. (I don't know) I've never been comfortable playing around that area, but even a minor amount of exploration didn't reveal any immediate sensations (and I have not wanted to try again). Perhaps if my difficulties continue, I might revisit this option.

    2. I have never been to a sex therapist. For all my reading and studying, I admit that there is nothing like a trained professional. I may be the biggest well read idiot. I don't encourage people read WebMD and try to doctor themselves. I figure if my difficulties continue, I would find a specialist to work with.
     
    scjguy likes this.
  17. Hi, sorry your sexual orientation is bringing you judgement. Personally, it sounds like yes, you are suffering from PIED but more importantly you probably have been using the death grip when you MO meaning you need extreme pressure to O. I'm not a male or have done anal but I'm assuming you can't get that same level of pressure from topping (or at least w/o injurying your partner). I'm pretty sure if you search "death grip" in the search bar you'll find threads talking about it. P.S. Consider joining the gay men group. You'll probably get more understanding there. Wish you luck!
     
    scjguy likes this.
  18. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    Since you already do go to a gym, you might then also consider yoga.

    I've been told that it creates a sustained tension, while focusing on breathing. I've heard it described as a cross between stamina training and meditation. Supposedly this gives you all kinds of benefits to both your ability to focus on your reboot, and being more comfortable in the bedroom. (I've done a pose or two when a friend showed me, and even with all my resistance, functional, cardio training. It was a challenge.)

    I've seriously thought about going to a class that my gym offers, and putting it into my rotation. It's supposed to be a super release for stress. The stretching is supposed to help us lifters in agility.
     
    scjguy likes this.
  19. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    Wow, thank you so much! Doing some deep online research about this death grip, I've come to realize this is perpaps my biggest problem!! I'm on day 17 of no PMO today, will be trying the steps to see if it helps!
     
    HopefulChristian likes this.
  20. scjguy

    scjguy Fapstronaut

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    I'mma try these kegels. Seems pretty easy.
     

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