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I don't understand how no one commented on how you said you were being hurt and had to demand it stop!

(Interjection: I'm a recovered addict. I'm no better than anyone else. The only reason for me being around here is to provide hope that recovery is possible because I've got a few years under my belt. I am divorced largely due to porn related problems -- this is something I understand. My problems weren't as bad as some, but were detrimental nonetheless.)

And, further, how that was a long time ago. Details aside, this sounds very disturbing to me. Because these things always get worse and worse! According to all normal patterns of this addiction, that means he was getting pulled into some violent porn material. And, furthermore, since you said it's been a while, in the interim, it is extremely likely that he will have kept progressing further and further into worse and worse things. I wouldn't believe for a second that he's only looking at porn "daily" -- with the duration you're talking about of relationship issues, and the deviant behavior, you're talking about someone utterly obsessed with porn and looking at it for many hours a day -- anyone's guess how much time he's used to rotting his brain with all the filth out there. Unfortunately, it's also very possible that he has acted out physically and progressed into other things.

My point? You probably have not heard a true or full confession. Something is missing here. A good man mistreating his wife in the bedroom is an advanced state of big problem gotten bigger.

Usually, the addict doesn't want to confess the true nature and details about their addiction. However, recovery is essentially not possible without this step. There's probably a couple random examples. However, this will not be the case in your relationship. I'm not sure there's been an adequate understanding of how depraved the pornography that is available now. This is way beyond airbrushing. The violent fantasies and sick fetish are pervasive and by all reports here on NoFap, increasingly more common. FlatlineFred alludes to this but offers no helpful direction. Hence my comments here.

By all indications, you and your husband will need some kind of intensive therapy. This could be something with self-help resources, could be with a counselor, or a church resource. NoFap is great, so don't mistake me as saying go see a counselor as the only solution. Whatever you do, it will need to be dedicated and intensive. Maybe you implement several things, which is probably best, such as setting some fitness goals together, setting aside other time to really dive into relationship rebuilding through tons of open communication. Forgiveness will be necessary -- and so will his dedication to abandon the problem. These are extremely difficult but do-able things. I only speak here because I hope to see you be successful. Your desires for good can help him win this struggle, but it's also completely his problem to fix. If he can gradually be made to understand the true weight of the damage he has caused, then that will work as a step toward fixing it.

Almost never does recovery happen in one attempt. Hopefully you can see it will take time, both daily and a process that may take a significant stretch. This is something you've likely already learned with some time on this site. Try and stay positive. Logic isn't the ruler of life. You are correct that PMO isn't because of you. Even if you had lots of intimacy in your marriage, pornography can be a temptation for him and become a problem like a daily PMO addiction.

p.s.
It breaks my heart how much of the world is swallowed into the problems of pornography and the damage it causes. Your situation is yet another casualty in this war, and I do pray you can succeed in helping your husband fix the issue. It is possible. It is also NOT possible without some pretty rigorous attention to fixing problems, changing behaviors. It will also not be possible for you to honestly forgive without feeling like amends have been made, so seek out those opportunities; tell him what he can do, and acknowledge his success. His self-esteem is completely shattered, which may be hard for you to see when that's of course the same thing that happened to you. Hang in there and try not to always assume he's looking at porn while at the same time keeping an eye on what's going on.

ps2: If there's one journal I can't recommend enough, it's the story of Haggis and BlondeWife!

 

How are you today?