New(ish)

Hello Fapstronauts,

I am new to NoFap, but not new to the struggle of change. I know the science, I know the harm, but I can never apply the knowledge to better myself. For about 3-4 years, I have kept my PMO addiction to myself out of fear that if my family knew, then I would be judged due to ignorance and a lack of understanding. But from my 'recovery' progress, I have learned that accountability and communication are key. I cannot face telling anyone about my addiction face to face, so the next best thing out there is Internet! I joined NoFap to find help within a community who are battling the same struggle as I. I'm not much of a writer and I am new to forums, but here is my (long) story to give you guys an introduction to my battle. It's a bit open, but I am anonymous so I don't care.

I first started viewing porn at the age of 11 out of pure curiosity to find out more about what sex and "normal" is. I never had the talk, and sex ed at school was pretty weak, so initially I'd scroll through images of male genitalia to find out if my own was normal - bearing in mind I had been straight up until that point. Growing up in a feminist household, I was always taught to respect women and not belittle or objectify them. So if women appeared in my searches, then I'd quickly block it with my thumb out of respect - even though I found them attractive.

So if I was blocking women, only men were left. They were the answers to my questions. At 11 I never had an addiction. I could stop when I wanted to and I did for almost a year when I realised that what I was doing was wrong (I am a faithful Muslim). But High School came and with that came kids who thought Porn and Masturbation were cool. Out of curiosity and a struggle to fit in, I began searching what Masturbation was. Then I started copying it. Then I was masturbating to men masturbating. Then if women appeared, I'd still block it out of respect.

I knew what I was doing was wrong, but curiosity kept me going. Every other day a new question would push me into porn. This period was a bit on and off for two years. I wouldn't really say I was addicted at this point as I did go months without PMO. But gradually the need for it became more intense and by 14 I was using Porn and Masturbation every other day. Still blocking women out, I didn't know if I was doing for respect anymore, or because I was attracted to men more. I began fantasising about male classmates and teachers. I used chat rooms to sext with gay men claiming I was 18 and I would broadcast myself on webcam about a dozen times a year. I believe I needed approval from a male because I never really received that from my father.

I wasn't proud, I felt guilty as hell. On top of that, the struggles that come at 14 with self-esteem, popularity, and moodiness spiralled me into a period of depression for 6 months. No one knew. I cried to bed every night worrying about my addiction, my sexuality, my faith, my appearance, and my lack of friends. I felt suicidal but never acted on it or caused self-harm.

But then I found a similar organisation to NoFap called Fight The New Drug. I read through the site and realised that I had a problem and that I was addicted. I soon found their recovery program Fortify and that gave me the hope I needed to pull myself out of depression. Through self-exploration over the past few years, I began to find who I am and what my interests are. Through patches of meditation, I gained confidence and real friends. My academics couldn't have been better and my faith was slowly getting stronger.

But my PMO addiction hasn't left me (yet). Although Fortify was so helpful in giving me direction, my lack of consistency meant that I have had to start the program more times than I can remember, and this meant that my battle against PMO was like a wave that went through peaks and troughs. Now instead of relapsing every two days, It now takes a week (maybe 2 if I am lucky) for me to relapse. And even if I do reach 30 days (like I did once) what I now to be the Chaser Effect just pushes me back to square one and forget the lessons I have learnt.

And although I relapse less frequently, each session is far more intense. I mostly watch gay porn out of pure attraction. I still use chat rooms, I still use webcam sites, I still let my body be material for others. I now try to cruise in public places but I am always scared to do the deed. I can't even go to the gym without having locker room and shower fantasies! I hate it. Porn has consumed me!

Now confused about my sexuality, I sometimes watch straight porn hoping that I'd get hooked to women in the same way as I am to men. But nothing has changed. I was never gay before porn and even now I do not have romantic desires to be with a man. I see myself as straight because I have romantic and sexual desires to be with women. But how can I claim to be straight if I find men more attractive and constantly watch gay porn and fantasise about being in those gay situations? I know there is nothing wrong with being gay but personally, I am not comfortable with it because I feel it is not who I am and I feel I could never be at peace with my religion if I was gay.

Maybe I am Bisexual? Or has PMO distorted my attractions?

Would I find my truth in abstinence?

Now almost 18 and moving to away for university soon, I want to finally sort out my PMO and find clarity with my sexuality. Although I am generally happy with my life, I go through frequent periods of low energy, anxiety, and confusion due to PMO, and I am not at peace with my religion knowing that I am constantly sinning.

I am hoping that the NoFap community can help me and offer more perspective than what Fortify gave me. My initial goal is 90 days of abstinence. Afterwards, I hope to continue being free for life and not be shackled to Porn and Masturbation.

Although I am a Muslim, I am not conservative and I am open minded. I welcome religious and secular advice, as well as advice on the Chaser Effect cause that really sets me back.

And if anyone was wondering about my Username, I am a TransientBeing as I hope my existence with this struggle and on this platform is only temporary.

All the Best,
TransientBeing