Day 66 - the more I contemplate it, the more I recognise where the story of my life began to shift. However, I also know that I can’t keep looking back in the past at the mistakes that were made. I need to be focussed on the immediate future - one day at a time. That has to be the key to a more fulfilling and better life, one without the constant barrage of P knocking on the door. Things I am grateful for: Stepson enjoyed his prom My wife - she really is so wonderful One more day nearer to the holidays Things I am hoping for today: This headache goes away quickly I get essential arrangements prepared with little stress I have time to reflect on myself
Day 69 - So I haven’t been on here as much recently as I know I should be. This hasn’t seemed like a big deal to me up until this point, but tonight my wife and I had a long talk, where she pointed out the beginnings of the signs of complacent behaviour. Right from the off, let me say that I am still sober and the thought of being otherwise has never entered my mind, but I was horrified to realise that she was right. It was the tiny things - like not telling her the truth about cleaning a sink properly. Not only that, despite me saying I would do, I still am yet to sign up for a support group now that my counselling is over. This is a never ending war, which I have caused. I am the catalyst and I am the reason that I am the way I am. I let porn in and let it mess with my mind, with my life, until I was so damaged I didn’t even realise. Complacent behaviour is the worst kind to be following right now. I’m only on 70 days (tomorrow). That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. I need to be more proactive and less reactive. Things I am grateful for: My wife kicking me up the arse about this. Despite all this, my wife still loves me. We had a lovely day out (slightly spoiled by this now) Things I am hoping for: More proactive behaviour I find the right group for me Tomorrow is stress free
Day 70 - following yesterday’s conversation with my wife, I found myself almost second guessing my actions for the first time in a while. It’s almost as if I’m trying to do damage limitation rather that focussing on what I should be set on - living my life without the need for P, M and generally being a giant shit. It has got better as the day has gone on. I keep thinking about the whole proactive thing. I don’t think I have ever really been that way inclined, not as much as I know I should be, as much as I need to be. Maybe it’s a (sorry) male laziness thing. I do think a lot of us blokes are lazy - I know I am and can be. The worst part is that when I am being lazy, I don’t realise I’m being lazy. I think we just tune out of it! That can’t be the way I take on this fight. Laziness in this is the enemy’s secret agent. Things I am grateful for: I have a loving wife and daughter who I will do anything for. Someone at work who was very sick is now better. I’m one step closer to holidays.
Day 71 Things I am hoping for today: I get on top of my To Do pile at work I don’t annoy my wife too much on what will be a long day for her I make several decisions by myself
Day 71 cont - on the whole it has been a good day, but very busy. Important objectives at work continue to be met and my wife got some very good news with her work so that’s always a lovely bonus. I have potentially found an online support group to take that next step on. The only slight concern was that the website was not entirely easy to follow but I think that it’s worth a few goes. A question for anyone out there reading: yes we are porn addicts but are we also sex addicts? There are hundreds of support groups out there for the latter and only a few for the former. I’ve never seen myself as a sex addict though I guess I never really thought about it before. Things I am grateful for: Little financial wins here and there. My wife - always Pink roses to wish my wife congratulations for her amazing work
So I'm considering myself a sex addict as well. Simply because even if I were having sex with my wife I would have chaser symptoms. It's kinda nice she's pregnant and doesn't feel like it because I just don't even try to initiate. And it keeps myself from putting pressure on her. But I know how I'd feel if we were. Do you feel that way at all?
When I was attending saa, SA, and slaa, a lot of members strictly only acted out with porn and MB. Yet had no problem referring to themselves as a sex addict
I know that one of my absolute foibles is that I used to keep on trying to initiate with my wife even when she wasn’t in the mood. She suffers from a draining energy condition and so needs to be in the right frame of mind. I’d like to think at the moment that I don’t do this as much. Yeah, I think it looks likely that this is the same for me. Another reason for me to refer to times with my wife as making love and not sex. There’s less negativity in that.
My wife struggles from one of sorts too.. our wonderful daughter wears her out haha. IDK if I'm addicted to sex or not, but I sure know having the mindset that it's mandatory is not right and I kinda feel like I'm expecting that after this hard mode deal. Think I'll focus on me for the time being and beyond, once 90 days hard mode is up if she initiates I'll be a willing participant.
Day 72 - things I am hoping for today: I get more important jobs achieved. I help my wife to smile more today. I get more time to reflect on myself
Day 72 cont - it was a long day today. We have an important day tomorrow at work so lots to prepare. One more step closer to the weekend and one more step closer to the holidays - whoop. I’m currently looking over at my wife and I am just knocked over by how gorgeous she is. She has so many self-esteem issues but has always been the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I hate the fact that I have caused her so much pain. I am so awed by her belief and support in me. Things I am grateful for today: My beautiful stunning wife One day closer to the holidays Getting jobs done at work
Day 73 - things I am hoping for today: Important day at work goes as well as it can. I continue to focus on the day and not on the future. I continue to show my wife how much I love her.
Day 73 - the day at work went well although it was long. Was going to cook fajitas tonight - my wife likes the crispy ones so I thought I’d make bread crumbs to make my own. Bad choice - took way too long. Luckily I had another packet of spices. I’ve been thinking again about this whole porn addict/sex addict thing. What worries me is that if I concur that a porn addict is also a sex addict, that means that everytime I make love to my wife it’s for my benefit, no matter why I do it. I guess this is why waiting for her to initiate is better in that way? I don’t want her to feel second best anymore. That’s not what she deserves at all. Things I am grateful for today: Continue to make progress at work. One more day closer to weekend. My amazing wife
That's kinda where I'm at on things. You can't hardly act in an addiction way if you wait for her to initiate. Maybe at least for now. @Psalm27:1my light said it took a full year for her to notice all the changes in her husband so I'm kinda going to use that timeline for myself at least. Maybe she can offer more insight. Maybe initiate karezza yourself with no expectations of o? I definitely struggle with chaser. IDK if you do or not. But that's my big hang up there.
So there were changes in the 4-6 month range, subtle but definite. At a year he relapsed so what this did was really shine a light on the changes because he reverted back gradually for 4 months. It was this relapse that really cemented that I’ll never live with an active addict again. The selfishness seeps out in everything and I don’t like who I be one when he’s active in addiction. When he got back on track, he really started changing by leaps and bounds. I really only “ saw” the changes when I began journaling about them. For instance we travelled somewhere and he took my suitcase for me. It dawned on me he had never done that before. He handled it so I only had my carry on backpack. Before recovery this is how traveling went. I would have my suitcase, my carry on, holding my daughter and trying to hold her carry on, managing my son, helping him with his suitcase. My husband would be walking ahead, then turning and get angry and frustrated at me because I was too slow. Now, he would already be irritated, because I made us late leaving the house. Why? Well, I’d be getting both kids ready and all their stuff, I’d be feeding the horses and watering the pigs, getting the dogs situated, making sure everything was cleaned in the house for the house sitter, changing the sheets and making the bed, etc…. While he loaded his suitcase. That was very typical. He took care of himself. He only begrudgingly helped with the kids but literally acted like I was asking for the world to have him load their suitcases. Then wanted recognition and praise and got all hurt that I didn’t “ notice” he had helped. Wtf?! He truly was like a 15 year boy. I do believe that pmo is a sex addiction. It just hasn’t escalated irl. That being the case, we manage our sex life. Doesn’t sound sexy, but for us it’s imperative. We also rarely have sec in the dark, eyes open looking at one another, we are intentional with not having sex if he is stressed, lol. We are opposite of you guys though. I refuse to initiate sex. He must initiate and he must ask me directly , no subtle hints. I will not respond. On purpose. For us this is also a must.
To say that porn addiction is sex addiction and sex addiction is porn addiction wouldn't be necessarily accurate. The are many different types of "compulsive sexual behavior" (aka "hypersexuality"), and porn addiction falls into one of those categories. The term sex addict is generally a more broad way of describing someone who falls into one or more of the categories without specifying which one(s).
I keep seeing karezza mentioned again and again throughout this forum. Forgive me for being ignorant, but what actually is this practice? I totally understand - I’ve thought about approaching my wife with a managing sex life approach but I’m not a hundred percent certain she would be down for that. Also, I always feel like if I try to initiate, it’s always the worst timing. Basically, I’m a moron. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Thank you
Day 74 - another week done and the weekend to look forward to, though it is a very busy one for my family. What was nice was that my wife and I got a few hours just to ourself while our daughter was busy. Dinner together, out in a proper restaurant (well, a pizza place but still) - it was brilliant though. I really truly love those moments with her. I am definitely going to take her away at the end of the holidays, just us. The question is where? Things I am grateful for: Time with my wonderful wife. My wife’s hilarious jokes. The weekend is upon us.
I love the things you are grateful for, especially everything you say about your wife. One of the things my husbands addiction had done is destroy my belief that he cares about me at all. No matter what he says my immediate thoughts are “ no you don’t” I struggle to believe that he’s even capable of caring about me much less loving me. This obviously isn’t good for either of us.
I honestly don’t understand how my wife has managed to support me in the way she has. All I know is that she must love me so deeply that she must see deep down in me the person who she knows I can be - the person I know I can be. I hate hate hate hate every second that I betrayed her but I can never go back and change that. All I can do is prove to us both that she is right
