I just want to vent out everything that is going on with me, I have started my nofap just 5 days ago. I have been consuming porn since I was 10. Whenever I was at holidays from my school I used to fap to models and porn. Passing through the my school everything was okay, I knew I was straight and used to fap to women, wanted to pursue women and fuck them hard. But I was always anxious among girls and couldn't talk to them. Amid when covid came and my masturbation habit increased and so was watching porn. After that I went to a university and first year went well. But till this time I wasn't even enjoying porn but still I had nothing to do and fapping feels good, I continued to fap. I started to like this girl in university, we started dating though I was anxious and didn't want to tell her how I felt(I don't know why) I want to tell that I went through a serious breakup her, and while in relationship I was not feeling good in my head. We made out and had oral sex but still I was not feeling the way I used to feel when I watched porn and masturbated. And this was the first time I thought I was gay. And after 6 months of breakup, I continued to watch porn and masturbated every single day even thrice a day most of the times. I am really depressed of all these gay thoughts. These gay thoughts sometimes make me feel aroused but anxious at the same time. I have thoughts of having it with a guy sucking my cock and I kissing him. It's like I want to be fapped by him. I recently started nofap and I am on day 5, feeling like shit, depressed, anxious socially and emotionally. I really don't know what is happening and what is it with me? Am I gay? If not why these thoughts make be aroused? Am I straight? Is it hocd? Whenever I try to tell my mind that you are straight, it denies it and says "do it with a gay, suck his cock". What is it? Guyzz please guide me
The very first thing you need to understand is that porn is highly unnatural, and as a consequence, you can know nothing about natural sex while using porn. You can’t have natural sex, you don’t have natural feelings, while using porn. Before you make any decisions about your identity, and before you do anything impulsive that you may regret, get at least a 90 day buffer between yourself and the last time you saw porn. After that, you can revisit those bi/homosexual feelings. Second thing you should understand is, since porn is so unnatural and since you’ve been using it from a very young age, you have not had a natural sexual experience and you don’t have natural expectations. Porn has changed what sex is, for you, and what sex is for. Porn has told you sex is for entertainment, it’s for your self-esteem, and it’s an expression of dominance and worth. None of these things are true. Sex is for procreation, and it’s about bonding which is to help with procreation. Entertainment is a nice side feature, not the primary function. Start a journal, start recording what you are doing to quit porn, what you did in the hours leading up using porn, and what works to keep you off of using porn. Once you hit 90 days clean, you’ll feel a lot better.
You've been consumed by porn and you'll need some time to heal from these thoughts that's all. That doesn't mean you're gay.
