I need to rant. Ever since internet appeared in my life, when I was in the 7th grade, and fapping became my mundane activity my life became a solitary confinement. Slowly but surely, day by day I had been losing any reason to be social, to study, to have any plans for the future until the only thing that remained was me and porn. In the 11th grade I had only one 'friend', and I used to have many people I could call that. There was some hope for that after I join university things would be different for me. And for that reason I strived to change myself. Lost 20 kg of weight, forced myself to be more social. Thought I could become normal and life would have something else in it beyond porn, fapping and eating fast-food. That was foolish of me to put so much hope in that. You may change your environment but you always bear the reason of all your problems - yourself. Nothing changed in the university. If anything, seeing younger people (I was three years older than my group-mates) with their optimism and bright attitude towards everything and seeing guys who had no trouble at all hanging out with girls and making them their girlfriends, comparing myself to them and seeing all the things I lack, all of that made things much worse. Plus there was another problem developing - OCD. Nothing to look forward to in life, no connections with anyone, even relatives, no friends, and OCD took the only thing besides porn that gave me at least some retreat - my daydreaming which I used to write things like short stories or poems. Of course my porn usage has become the only thing to numb that pain. After two years of that hell I managed to beat my OCD. After that I really became committed to changing my life for the better. Half a year ago I started questioning my beliefs about myself and challenging my anxieties, started with social anxiety. I went out and talked to people, asked what time is it, asked for cigarettes, all those small things, despite being anxious as fuck. Questioned my perception of myself, stared in the mirror despite having a aesthetical disdain for that ugly man. I dig and dig, questioned everything. Why do I fear that? Why do I want that? Why I don't want that? It brought some fruit. I am no longer afraid of most social interactions. I can be myself in public and looking in the mirror is not that scary. The thing is, the more I try to change, the more questions I ask myself,the more answers and solutions I find, the more I feel like nothing changes. I look in the mirror and I hear some part of me saying 'You are ugly'. I look at people on the street and I hear 'They are better than you'. I look at girls and hear 'They will never like you for what you really are'. Many things changed. I realized how empty all the pleasures of this world are, I realized some deep truths I thought I'd never think about, I can control myself more than I ever did, and yet, I feel like I am stuck in the mud and this struggle is impossible.