Nothing changes

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Мобильный, Jun 21, 2020.

  1. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

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    I need to rant.
    Ever since internet appeared in my life, when I was in the 7th grade, and fapping became my mundane activity my life became a solitary confinement. Slowly but surely, day by day I had been losing any reason to be social, to study, to have any plans for the future until the only thing that remained was me and porn. In the 11th grade I had only one 'friend', and I used to have many people I could call that.
    There was some hope for that after I join university things would be different for me. And for that reason I strived to change myself. Lost 20 kg of weight, forced myself to be more social. Thought I could become normal and life would have something else in it beyond porn, fapping and eating fast-food. That was foolish of me to put so much hope in that. You may change your environment but you always bear the reason of all your problems - yourself. Nothing changed in the university. If anything, seeing younger people (I was three years older than my group-mates) with their optimism and bright attitude towards everything and seeing guys who had no trouble at all hanging out with girls and making them their girlfriends, comparing myself to them and seeing all the things I lack, all of that made things much worse. Plus there was another problem developing - OCD.
    Nothing to look forward to in life, no connections with anyone, even relatives, no friends, and OCD took the only thing besides porn that gave me at least some retreat - my daydreaming which I used to write things like short stories or poems. Of course my porn usage has become the only thing to numb that pain.
    After two years of that hell I managed to beat my OCD. After that I really became committed to changing my life for the better. Half a year ago I started questioning my beliefs about myself and challenging my anxieties, started with social anxiety. I went out and talked to people, asked what time is it, asked for cigarettes, all those small things, despite being anxious as fuck. Questioned my perception of myself, stared in the mirror despite having a aesthetical disdain for that ugly man. I dig and dig, questioned everything. Why do I fear that? Why do I want that? Why I don't want that?
    It brought some fruit. I am no longer afraid of most social interactions. I can be myself in public and looking in the mirror is not that scary. The thing is, the more I try to change, the more questions I ask myself,the more answers and solutions I find, the more I feel like nothing changes. I look in the mirror and I hear some part of me saying 'You are ugly'. I look at people on the street and I hear 'They are better than you'. I look at girls and hear 'They will never like you for what you really are'.

    Many things changed. I realized how empty all the pleasures of this world are, I realized some deep truths I thought I'd never think about, I can control myself more than I ever did, and yet, I feel like I am stuck in the mud and this struggle is impossible.
     
  2. LoveIsAllWeNeed

    LoveIsAllWeNeed Fapstronaut

    Yes, mind tricks. Once in your life these ideas may have served you, now it's BS. What would you say to your best friend if he thought that way? If you don't have a best friend, imagine you had one. What would you say to him? How would you help him? Be your own coach, help yourself, you are worth it.

    No one is more or less than anyone else. It is just the spirit that makes up these fairy tales. Ask your mind why it says what it says. Or on behalf of whom he says what he says. Have a small conversation and you will soon notice the nonsense he tells you and you stop listening. From that moment on you are free !!
     
    Nomar and Мобильный like this.
  3. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    Yeah welcome to the club, living is hard right? There's always something :) No GF,no money,no friends, no love from ur parents no nothing. Wish I had good advice but I don't as I'm struggling as well. I wish I could give you false hope like many people on this forum, but I can't. The reality is that it will get worse if you don't do anything about it. Simply because you'll get older and the very same problems will start having more and more weight, if you don't take action for their resolution. You'll regret it more and more as time goes by until it becomes unbearable and the pain so great that suicide seems the only option. I'm sorry that there was no one to guide you in your life neither parents,neither government, neither society have fulfilled that function as you clearly are broken when you could have not be. How do I know it. I'm broken as well when I shouldn't have been. It's not that hard to teach a young man how to eat right,exercise,how to be handy around the house, how to talk with women and be sexually valuable to them instead an outcast in that department. How to even fucking communicate and express yourself better while learning a valuable skill that would help you in the job market in the economy. Nobody taught me that, not the 12 years in school, not the 7 years before school, not the years after the school. I had to do it all by myself. That clearly put me at a disadvantage - instead of entering modern society ready and capable I entered it incompetent,confused and depressed. And so have many other people. Look at all the other broken posts on this wretched forum - I've been here for more than 5 years and I'm still an addict. I've seen people more fucked up than me post, less fucked up by me post. Some say that they have recovered, some say they are still struggling like me. I've thought about it a lot, why the hell am I still addicted. And there are multiple points of view, there was a time where I made 2 months clear I was was working 12-16 hours and I was going at it hard. I wanted to save enough money to get through my education so I can get a comfortable job where I'm not pressured by bills. And so I did - got the education got the job now I have financial surplus and I can invest it, instead living paycheck to paycheck. But guess what? I still hate my current job even though it provides me better financial security. The laboring jobs I worked before were more tuff, but they were more fun and casual. You still have to deal with idiot coworkers or customers no doubt about it but I was somewhat more happy as I was looking forward to the future - my ideal was that it will get better I just have to put in the effort - I gritted my teeth and mowed through it, so it would get better. Two months clean I had rock hard boners and more testosterone and most importantly the drive to continue. Now that's missing. Although I got a relatively middle class corporate job I despise it - hate my idiot boss and double crossing colleagues. Hate the customers I have to serve and all the liberal bullshit thrown at me. Yes more money better right??? Right... No... not at all. Still incapable of attracting women,still depressed because of my situation, still no one to share my most sacred thoughts fears,concerns and secrets in fear of judgement. Someone real, not a fake avatar on the internet. My most basic desires are satisfied food,shelter relative financial security. Some more primal desires like sex, belonging into a community,fighting for a just cause have remained void. What is there to fight for? Look at history, look at what previous generations have fought for - liberties,infrastructure,progress. Most of it squandered and badly used. Look at the divorce % more than 50% most countries in the world. Rest of the marriages are they happy? Don't think so. Work hard 15 years get a house so the government can get more taxes. Work hard so even if you get a woman statistically she would divorce you and it would be a total emotional and financial disaster. Start a business even though 60% of the businesses fail when there are monopolies in certain areas and the banks and government protect them, while wehn you bankrupt you are in debt forever. Fight, when everyone and everything is against you? No thank you, I got my porn where women do exactly what I want when I want it with no rejection whatsoever. It gives me the daily fix and I'm in the clouds while I'm doing it and shortly after, until I look forward to the next fix. It keeps me comfortable and sedated. "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them" Thoreau said. So he is right regarding me and many other people that have been,are and are to be. Take of it what you will, but giving up will make you more weak and miserable. It will paralyze you even more from taking action until you can't take action no more. And so the spiral of desperation continues. Trust me I speak from experience. Everything is up top you and then again it isn't since largely people wanna fuck you. How you adjust and react to what's happening is what is up to you completely. So there you go my man you choose what to do from now on.
     
    Мобильный likes this.
  4. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    Firstly, nobody is ugly. You aren't ugly as a matter of fact someone thinks you're attractive. Secondly, change requires effort. So you are in University? Have you tried joining clubs, sports, any kind of after class programs? ( even something like bible study ). All these things help in restoring confidence. Right now (depending on where you live) shit is rough. People are scared about catching a virus and most social events are limited for time being. I really hope you find your way since you are so young still. Take advantage of EVERY opportunity you get. Even small things like a pickup game, or talking to someone at the library. All these things ultimately define who you are and what you become. Keep your faith high, things get better in time.
     
  5. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your words. I do understand that beauty is subjective and I don't even consider myself to be ugly, but there is a nagging voice inside of my head always spitting dirt on me and whenever it comes, i feel paralyzed.
    Took an academic leave because needed some time to sort shit out. Doubt doing all those things you have mentioned while there was barely a will to live would make a difference.
     
  6. Brother, I swear to God that pornography, excessive internet use and (way too many) video games cause some sort of brain damage. I used to be a normal, social, happy kid until 11. From then on I got a PC and my story starts resembling yours. Many people have said the same so I've not lost my mind.

    As we all know on this forum, since we started spending more time in the real world and less in front of a screen jacking off we started asking all sort of questions. Those are the sort of questions everyone asks but we are a bit late with them. Think of them as undone homework that you have to take care of now, and It's a massive load of them. They will go eventually and your life and mental wellbeing will be back on track. Reading (nonfiction) will help sort out some of them.

    Good luck on your journey!
     
    Мобильный likes this.
  7. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

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    Thank you brother. Everything you said is true. Most people ask these questions during puberty and when they reach adult age everything is the way should be for them. Porn addicts like us though escape those questions by using quick pleasure fix, which solves nothing, but makes those problems go away for a moment. I will continue, because there is no way back. Won't let those efforts go to waste.
     
    NewGeorge likes this.

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