Partner of a webcam and cibersex addict need some help and advice.

Hello everyone.
First of all I want to apologize for my english as it isn´t my native tongue...I found this forum looking for some help. I am in a relationship with a man since almost 3 years ago (our anniversary is June 2nd). I moved to his country past august as I love him a lot (until then we had a "distance" relationship and we meet weekends or holidays). So I moved far from my family.

My country is in a heavy lockdown just now due to covid. the day after a relative of mine died I found in a paypal account I shared with my boyfriend (he said me some time ago his paypal was closed due to some kind of problem and I used that one to receive some of my customer payments). The day my relative died I asked him (lately he have been stay up late playing computer games) if he can came to bed with me to sleep as I was very sad. The following day I wake up and he was still sleeping. My computer is in our bedroom so when he is sleeping I use his computer that is in his study (I´ve been using his computer for a long time as its better thasn mine and sometimes he is sleeping and I obviously has his permission to do it and the password to enter). When I opened my mail I saw a mail from a customet that told me that she sent me a payment days ago and didn´t received any response from me so I checked the paypal account....and I found a payment from the night before to some kind of camgirl site. My heart break, I felt really bad with all that was happening in my family, that also was far from me (and due to the lockdown my relative died alone and my mom was very sad), I felt i couldn´t stand so much pain and come back to bed in tears. He noticed something happened and asked me what. I was unable to told him what I had seen as I have a big respect for my partner privacy (as I said I used his computer regularly and I never nosed around his things, even when I had access to everything, in fact days later I reminded that one day, months ago, when I was trying to recover some tabs I had opened in the compter and entered the record of the sites I visited I saw a "how to delete paypal activity" search in google that bringed up my attention but I make little of it as I always thought confidence and trust are the basis of a relationship so I forget it until this happened.
Coming back to the moment I discovered this payment my partner explained me something about porn but his explanations were vague and confusing.
I was (an I am) visiting a psycologyst due to some selfsteem and stress issues I have since a couple of years ago, some of them related to our intimancy.
The next day when I wake up I found a external hard drive plugged to my boyfriend computer...I had seen that hard disk in her study sometimes but never looked into it as it was not my bussiness...but when I opened the computer I see some video previews, I clicked and saw some videos of webcammers and my boyfriend in other window touching and fapping with the show...I clicked two or three videos to confirm it was my boyfriend, also checked the date of the video ...some of them were from weeks ago before I moved to his city....my heart was broken and I couldn´t belive what I was seeing....I saw there was some more folders...I clicked in other folder and saw it was from years ago and closed. I was really shocked and I went to bed again crying. Then I couldn´t keep it more inside and told him what I just saw....he confessed me he have been doing it, I asked how much time (since we are together), he was unable to tell me. I felt really hurted and bertrayed...then he hide the hard disk and even bring it to the market with him. I asked him why he showed me that and then hide the hard disk, he said I was trying to control him but left the hard disk in home. As I said I had a big respect for my partener privacy and in many ocassions I didn´t touch the hard disk...but once I decided I couldn´t continue with him without knowing how much time he have been doing that sice we were together...I checked while he was in the market (I confesed it just after he come back) and I discovered it was since the begining...it was really hurtful.
Then I didn´t know it was an "addiction", he first explained me that he began to do it years ago, that it has nothing to do with me (but I think it affected our intimancy) and it was something he did to destress. In other conversations/discussions he blamed me or my depression....I know he told me some lies, when I asked him about the google search to hide paypal payments he tell me a poor explanation.
Anyway I love him so much and decided that maybe I can help and improve things. He didn´t told me about the webcams in alll the relationship but he told me about some sex chatting he did with previous couples he had before me. He also told me about some chatting he had with a girl he meet in person later years ago. In december when I visited my familily to help with my ill relative he contacted again with this girl. I didn´t care as he told me it was just friendship and I am not a jealous or controlling person but when I found the webcam videos I asked him about this girl...he sweared that there waas nothing and even make fun of my "jealously"...so I wanted to give an opportunity to the relationship and belive and trust him...a couple of weeks later I was using his computer again and put a document from my therapy in the recycle bin. I was going to clear it and when I opened the bin I saw some word documents that has "cybersex" title...I asked him and he told me it was from the chat...I was angry and suspicious and asked me to show...and yes, there were a chat and a sex role (writen) with that girl...I felt not only bertrayed but taken by a fool and I am no proud of my behaviour or the hings I said to him but I exploded...I am a very calm, comprehensive and quiet person.
Since that day (like 2-3 weeks ago) I feel really bad and depressed. I think he hide more things sincerely but I am also afraid to be paranoic. I feel really alone. My therapist was the one that said me it is probably a addiction and when I talk with him he said that yes, it is maybe a "little" addiction. He says chats and webcams are not the same and had nothing to do...he also say he will not do it again but as it happened with the girl issue i am really afraid that he will just hide things if he do it again and I don´t know if I can live with this...My plans were to form a family with this person, I
never would have thought that about him. He has many virtues but I don´t want a relationship that is ruining my selfsteem (I had anorexia issues in my youth and opened with him about this, it was a very hard way and a lot of years to recover, also as I moved to another city I probably will lost all my things if I left the relationship (its the minor of my problems , they are just things... but some of them are valuable for me)...since this happened I have anxiety - its like I think I am going to be hurted again in any moment- and some lack of hungry and sadness...I would like to help him but I don´t know how. I also don´t want to be a toxic person (I cheked in some of his activity after this happened, never did it before and feel really bad about it...I told him every time I did it). i don´t find sense to many of the explanations he gave me and I would love to find some support and advice here. How can I know if this person wants to really solve the issue, if there is any way? He recognizes he has a little problem but for example the chats (he recognized there were more chats, not only with the girl, but I don´t know when or how much as he didn´t want to give explanations)...he says is something totally different from the webcams...also he says he will never do it again but gets angry with me if I make questions or try to "control" or assure something (that he is not foing it again). I feel really lost and would love to find some help, thank you in advance

 

Hello Palindromo, thank you so so much for your answer. It really means a lot that someone hear me now...I talked with an online therapist while I could pay it and have a weekly talk with a doctor in my city but as I am far from my family and friends due to the moving I made past august I feel so alone in this. Also is something I don´t feel good sharing with anyone I know, I donñt want to "hurt" or "spot" the image of my partner with my family or friends and is also something that ashames me as I feel humiliated, specially due to the cybertalk (he said it was joking about the chat and the other "contact" I know he had with her - I suspect that there are more but is something I can´r prove) was some kind of sexual role...it´s like writing a fictional story with other person with sexual content)
I can´t know how "big" is the addiction because he deleted all the chats and everything, and the hard disk with the cams....I am not proud of what I did but the day I discovered the cheating (for me is also cheating, and for my therapist, but he say is not and its angry with me when I call it "cheat" ) I beated the disk when I was angry and crying and the disk is damaged. I didn´t make something like that in my whole life so I feel really bad for it.
The repentance signs are "contradictory" for me. The day I discovered the cams he apologized and recognized a lot of things, but he denied everything with the girl until I discovered the documents in the bin, that hurted me a lot...so, he treats me better and do things like coming to sleep with me every night (because he did some of this things while I was sleeping) for example, and he says is sorry because he hurted me so much, but he thinks I am overdoing or exagerating and its not as a big deal as I think...so its like he is oscilating...he also change all his passwords and gets angry with me when I make questions about the issue. He says he wants to change but for him the solution is I help making write roles with him and he says he needs moments of loneliness in the mornings to see porn and masturbate, he also says he try to focus on videogames...I don´tt think that this are solutions but I am not an expert. Its like he wants to arrange the problem but with no help. I told him maybe he can go to a therapist and he didn´t like the idea, he thinks he can solve this alone, also I proposed couple therapy and he agreed if it is online nor presential but for the moment is something very expensive for me.

 

Thank you again for your answer. Yesterday, when I said him my therapist thuoght he had/has some kind of addiction he recognized he maybe can have a "little" addiction, today I tried to talk a little more about the issue and he said maybe is not even an addiction or a little one as it doesn´t interfere with her normal life (my therapist defined "addiction"- because the first time the doctor mentioned my parter could have an addiction I was slightly hinting - as something that you couldn´t avoid or control even if you know that is going to have bad effects in your life or hurt yourself or the people you love) so I guess you are totally right about that he doesen´t recognize the problem...

I know you can´t force someone to recognize a problem if he don´t want to...I suffered severe anorexia years ago and during a lot of time so I think I can understand why he hide, lie and dimish the importance of this...I did it in the past and caused a big suffering to my family, but I can´t avoid that it hurts my feelings when he said that I am overreacting or invading his privacy or that he is already getting over this and that I am making a big deal of something not very important.
I just want to point out that in this case I don´t know if he had a porn addiction, i don´t think so, I think is just the cibersex and webcams.

It´s difficult for me even to talk about the issue in a forum but I just can talk to therapists (and it means money) and feel really bad, specially during this times that are really hard and uncertain for everyone (and for my job) so in some way I feel also bad to talk here too, even when is something totally anonymus.

There are problems with intimancy yes, and libido (at least with me) , but I feel in some way he blame me for that sometimes.

I totally understand the "positive" approach to the issue instead of blame and guilty and I am really grateful for the advice, I think it could be useful if he is more open up in a future to talk about it.

 

Thank you, I feel some relief reading your answers and feel less alone (also the lockdown doesn´t helped with all this situation, make me feel more vulnerability and loneliness and as in my country we are not allowed to travel I couldn´t see my family by now that is the thing I wish the most just now, just to see things with more perspective)

I am still not sure if I want to stay in the relationship if he don´t tell me the truth or make something to face the problem because the lies and dismiss of the problem and my feelings are the most hurtful part for me. Also, I know how hard is to get out of a problem (as I said I suffered anorexia 6 years and also lied and hurt my family then). I would love to help him but if you don´t recognize the problem there is no way to get out of it...by the moment I am trying to work in my feelings of sadness, anxiety and also some bitterness.

 

Hello! Thank you so much for your reply and for giving me your perspective. When I discovered everything he first say there was no difference between porn and webcams or cibersex chats for him...later he said he will need porn as long as he didn´t expected that the webcams and chats will hurt me the way they did (what hurted me was the cheat) in any case I think he don´t want to recognize the problem (or its dimension) he said it is just a little problem, and also I think he don´t allow me to help (also, of course in my opinion)...as I experienced a problem like anorexia (that involves lying to your family and hide your problem) I can understand. I am gentle and understanding and can understand that is a problem but I can also see when someone don´t want help and I think he still hide things...for me its exhausting and I am also in a very unequal situation so I am not sure if I can even help. We didn´t reach an agreement, he just promised he will not do it again but he also said that it will be difficult and he will "need" porn and videogames to get out of this (and he also mentioned maybe he will need to smoke again) so basically he decided this and I have nothing against a "normal" usage of porn so I don´t have problem with porn (well I personally don´t like it for many reasons but I knew other ex partners of mine saw porn and I saw some myself when I was younger and I think there is nothing wrong with people using it, but I think there is a difference between using it and needing it and this is the point where I am not sure about my partner because I think he didn´t wanted to tell me how far or how long this goes).

About difference about paying webcammers and porn Ithink, at least for me, the difference, when you are in a relationship is the "interaction", of course there could be many points of view and other people can have no problem with her/his partner interacting with other people in the internet (or even in real life) but for me the difference is interaction. Also the other difference (that doesn´t exist for many people when we talk about porn, shows or chats) is the need of it. Needing it is the problem (and in my relationship also the fact of interacting with other people when the faithfullness was something we talked about and agreed).

I am very thankful for your response and find a lot of courage on people who look for help. Hope you can find the help you need here!