I bet you've heard of the rule that closest 5 people you spend time with are defining what kind of person you are. Yep, that's the problem I have because this math goes horribly wrong for me and that's what bothers me a lot lately. I used to meet with my friends almost every weekend throughout the latest year and we were drinking, partying, taking drugs. And I feel like that year was enough to completely erase my previous "life progress". Although lately I'm refusing to go out and decided to stay at home, it was more productive for me than going out for sure. But how long can I endure this? People are social creatures and I've actually lived years in solitude tbh. The only quality relationships I have are long-distance and I rarely see those people, unfortunately. I tried to convince my local friends to change their lifestyles but it didn't quite work like that. I know that if I keep hanging out with them it won't lead me anywhere. I feel like I'm learning only bad habits, can't think of anything good honestly. I need more challenging people who won't give me permission to stay where I am. I try to focus on myself but I feel so mentally deteriorated it's really hard to get myself together and move further. I have basically no support in this struggle or perhaps I haven't asked for one? Trying to meet new people, for now, is too much of a challenge for me. I feel tired and don't have enough time for this as I work a full-time job with overtime hours and sometimes during the weekend. Lately, I'm doing a good job with not drinking etc. + been on nofap for 3 weeks but relapsed. Really, I don't wanna see myself as an alcoholic and short-sighted person with no prospects of a better future. Had anyone been in the situation like mine?
Having the right people in your life will make or break what you are trying to fulfill in life. Keep being positive and take your time and you will find the people that will be positive in your life.
The hardest things to do is have a positive mindset in a situation like this. A person convicted of a crime sitting in a jail cell knows he will get out in some time yet he isn't happy in the moment. He might only be focused on the present, depressing over his situation which makes him forget the fact that he will get out. It's the same situation for you except you don't know when you will get out. Your whole mind is circulating around this time period which clouds your vision. I know how it feels, it's like your life is stalling and you aren't going anywhere. Even when you're doing work to get where you want to be, it's easy for your mind to dwell in the negativity. It is also hard to see the future in a positive light if you're letting your life stall. I absolutely know the feeling "But how long can I endure this? People are social creatures" very well too. All I can say is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Dedicating your whole current life to working on a goal can feel very tiring. But when you dedicate everything to your goal and reach it, the achievement will be greater than all your sacrifices. Friends come and go don't worry about that. You should try to keep as many friends as possible and make as many new ones as possible, but your own life and goals are the number one priority.
Buddha has a saying which I love "if you cant find any one to walk on the path with you, walk alone, like an elephant walking in the forest" Also says "it is better to be alone than to be in the company of the immature" I used to feel very much as you do - I find that until our new friends find us, there is sometimes a GAP. I find when I take the lead and choose to be alone and leave old people I open up the space to allow new people into my life. So I suggest, leave the old friends, work on yourself as you do and be open to meeting new people. I don't know where you are but you can attend some high vib seminars, my best firends come through seminars, there are many free seminars but the paid ones are even better, where you go to meet other people who could use their hard earned money to travel or do other things but chose to invest to attend a self development seminar. Ideally something local so when you connect to others you can join in after and be friends with. But buttom line is I know the pain you are having because the normal social place in this society is to go out and drink and do drugs, but now as conscious being you have to upgrade your social activities, this means you have to get to be willing to get uncomfortable and go to new territories. Aside from seminars, you can attend meet up groups, Spiritual groups, Non religious christian groups, you can start your own meet up group and invite people to it. You can go to AA groups or SAA groups or other healing groups. Also i can tell you , you dont need alot to feel fullfilled, all it takes is 2 hour lunch with a person who speaks my language and my happiness literallly 10x. But i do share your pain, I get lazy in the follow-up to go out meet people and setting things up sometimes and then feel super lonely at some days but I discovered vipassana meditation which has been so helpful in me being able to find contentment in loneliness and not be so needy for social attention as much as I used to be.
Thanks, seems like a good point. Yeah, that's what I think about too. I think I need to visualize my goals and affirm myself that I will reach them because it's absolutely doable in my opinion, the thing is to not let myself fall into the pit of bad habits etc. Yes, I know how it feels and I totally agree with you but I don't meet too often with those people who speak my language as they live in different cities. I was thinking about going to some sort of meetups etc. but as I stated in the original post it's too much for me, for now. But I'm looking forward to do this. So overall it seems like I'll have to make some "gap" in my life to focus on things I really care about in order to move forward. And new people will come, I'll have to endure some loneliness but I can do it. The hardest part will be to not go out with my old friends as they don't really bring any good things to my life.
R Reading your post gave me a big insight - We often want to change things about our life but we aren't willing to face the pain or discomfort of it. I too have the same thing, I noticed like now i'm feeling in more of a human connection but when I just got invited to a tantra event for valentines day I start to question it and feel resistant to get uncomfortable. But I'm telling you what I'm telling myself, nothing will change unless i change, and if i want lots of positive change I have to be willing to take lots of intelligent risks and get uncomfortable. BUT i also want to give you the assurance that i am 100% in agreement, you are on the right track by avoiding old friends like you avoid an infectious disease, they will drag you down like crabs in a bucket. You may want to block their phone, or officially announce to them you are out of the game and not to invite you - lose their number and block on fb or whatever you can to put as much distance from you to them because when we feel lonely and depressed on a friday night, it is SOOO easy to go back to old ways. Be well friend
Yea I have been in your situation. I guarantee you this out of those 5 friends you have a good chance that none of them will talk to you after you quit that lifestyle. Out of all my friends that I used to drink and do drugs with I only talk to 2 of them and neither of them drink excessively or use drugs anymore either. I thought I had a lot of friends back then until I got sober and they literally disappeared like ghosts. Nearly 4 years ago I had a relapse and went on a 2 month drinking and cocaine binge and guess what? Those friends showed up again as quickly as they left. I now have much more healthy relationships around me and much better friendships.
In that film about the American who got banged up in a Turkish prison...Midnight Express...there is a scene where he's doing yoga with one geezer who is repeating, 'Prison, monastery, cloister, cave.' Point being that whether you survive well, perhaps even thrive under sub-optimal conditions or not is largely a matter of perspective. So it is with solitude. I spent years in solitude, it was very damaging. In part this was because I tried to cope with the solitude with porn & drugs, and other unhealthy things. I think if I'd have spent the time meditating etc, I may have even found the time beneficial to my life. As far as friends being in different cities- if they might be into it, if you don't already, you might want to try messenging with them in the form not of short texts whenever they are online, but long messages, like letters. Phone calls can be a step closer to real interaction for many. I have invited people I know from party times to hang out one-on-one from time to time, do something like play chess in a cafe. They don't have to be my best friends, they can even be acquantances who I don't actually have much respect for. Most people aren't up for it, but one or two are. keep fighting
Good insight. I've decided to limit my contact with them, so no partying or drinking and that itself seems like enough if I will meet with them then it will be polite meeting than that. Exactly the same story with me, literally years of bad habits. Now with the knowledge, I have now I am able to do way better on my own than I used to. What I'm afraid of though is that I might relapse (like getting back to drugs) and the main trigger to that might be loneliness or old (current?) friends. For now, it's been a few weeks of being clear.
You're aware of the dangers. You can plan to avoid them, or manage them. You can even practice what you will do when feeling overly lonely, or when tempted by old friends. Do you have some ideas for this? You've got this mate. keep fighting
I indeed plan to avoid them or even if I meet them then it would be in a more polite form like in some cafe and that's it. Try to not be attached to them like I used to and just focus on myself. I KNOW that will be good for me - focusing on my own goals. Other than that I will need to develop some habits like meditation - that particular one was helpful for me, although I recently neglected it.
I meant plan to avoid, or manage, the dangers / triggers, not necessarily the people- sorry for the lack of clarity there. But avoiding certain people, especially in early times, might of course be a part of that for you. YES, meditation is great. And helpful in times of solitude. If you'd like some good beginner links and info on it, let me know keep fighting
