please help. Big problem with me, a girl, and pmo

Hi, I need help with this, I'm turning crazy:

I am 41years old. I've had a girlfriend for 6 months. I met her when I was in a 40 day NoFap period . At that time I had a lot of energy and I was very alive. I endured 63 days of nofap this time. Never in my life I felt so alive

But I relapsed many times and I also have sex with her. She is beautiful, but not very much. She had poorly done cesarea. When we fuck i see it. She loves do dirty things in the bed.

I really like her personality so much, all the time with her I m very happy, but I do not feel so attracted to her or in love for it. But I think it's because of the fap I overestimate the sex. Or I do not know why I do not have the ability to choose her. In my mind something tells me no. It's like I want to choose porn before I do, I feel I like it more. But she is real and she loves me very much.

On Sunday I told her to go to the gym together. And I do not know how the issue came up, that I told her she has a few overweight and it hurt her, and she cried.

Since It, I request her for a days for order my mind, and I've been drunk 4 days alone and with a few cocaine and with porn. I am not usually a drinker. Indead I dont drink never. I had never drank so much in a row. The girls in the porn are so beatiful.... but they fill my mind of lies

What can I do??

 

ok, thank you so much guys . I am better than the last week, 6 days clean of pmo. I feel my libido dead in this moment.

I have recovered the girlfriend, but I told her I want achieve the nofap challenge, 90days in hardmode (no fuck with her in 90days is hard also for she). She is not very happy with it because doesnt understand my problem. But I need do it.