Please help me I'm addicted to findom

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Wayne_Kerr, Aug 31, 2021.

  1. wicket

    wicket Fapstronaut

    Get the heck away from someone like that no good for you I would ding dong ditch them if you wanted me to and light a bag of dog shit on fire in front of the door.

    You sound helpless but are they holding a gun to your head?

    Someone is able to take control of your mind and make you send money?

    Sounds like porn did a number on you hope you find healing not sure luck is enough
  2. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

    Good on you for talking this out here. It's an important step to process things and share. And good work on 20 days back on track, they all count!

    Back to your first post, you're right it helps to work this out with others. You may find joining one of the support call groups on here to really be a benefit?

    And just a PSA for anyone reading this: Eating stools can result in serious health consequences. Do NOT do this.

    Sometimes we've got to hit rock bottom before we make the right changes.

    You're desensitised to the highs right now. More money and more extreme acts are the only way to get a bigger 'high'.

    That is, until you get a good distance between yourself and this old lifestyle.

    You're currently messed up, and that's okay. Those women are messed up too. You're looking at making big changes, and they might happen slowly. That's alright too.

    Like I said I've been there. Paying women money for no reason. And paying them to treat me bad. In the moment there's excitement, but it leaves you worse off. Not just financially, but less capable of making your real goals happen.

    I will also say, plenty of women love to tease and lightly dominate their men (in a fun way, not the train wrecks running men's lives). So just know you can incorporate a little fun in an everyday 'normal' relationship.

    For all I know, this whole findom thing could partly be us men acting out on our desire to provide. If we're not supporting a woman or buying dinner for our date, we may get into a bad headspace - accelerated with porn use - and choose to pay a woman, any woman, just to feel we've been 'of service'.

    Just an idea, keep the trial and error going man...!
    Be.Well likes this.
  3. Yellowbrain

    Yellowbrain Fapstronaut

    Hey Wayne,

    Relapse is usually part of recovery, especially if you learn from it. Give yourself credit that you woke up from the trance! Please, please, please be compassionate towards yourself. We all mess up sometimes. Self-hate is the path to relapse. With findom, like any addiction, you have to keep increasing the intensity (in this case, the level of depravity and self-degradation) to get the same high. Where would this evil b***h have you go from here? I've been where you're at many times. It's just an awful feeling. Getting a therapist can really help. It helped me. Don't lose hope!
  4. 999wrld

    999wrld Fapstronaut

    Fellow findom addict here.

    I have visited this site and thread many times before but never felt the need to add my own story until now.

    Last night, I spent the most I ever have in one sitting on findom, more than $700. I have felt like shit all day today as a result. It is certainly one of my lowest points in the years I have wrestled with this fetish.

    Every time I do something like this, I am filled with shame and tell myself that I am going to quit. Yet I always come back harder than the time before. This time, I want to do everything in my power to ensure that is the last dime I spend on this awful addiction.

    After a period of unemployment during the height of COVID, I finally landed a new job a few months back. I am working on saving up money to get my own place and a car, but I know neither of those things will happen unless I stop spending my money so carelessly. So I have goals I am striving for.

    Like many of you have said, I feel that my addiction to findom comes from a place of loneliness/depression. I have had a few relationships before but not many, and the ones I did have I ended up getting my heart broken. I feel that deep inside, I am afraid to try to seek a new relationship even though I desire one and use findom to fill that void.

    I have always been a quiet, shy kind of type so even before it was never easy for me to talk to women. But if you are paying a domme, there is the expectation she sort of *has* to talk to you.

    I feel that with this new job, things are starting to look up in my life. I don’t want to sabotage what could be the beginning of something great for me by living paycheck to paycheck. I want to save and give myself a good future and life. I do want a healthy relationship.

    I have had these thoughts for a long time and despite truly desperately wanting to quit I have so far been unsuccessful.

    I think I would like to connect with some people here, or possibly provide occasional updates on my journey to quitting. I think having other people who understand this the same way I do could be the motivation I need.

    I am not sure how much total I have spent on findom in my lifetime, but I know it is well into the thousands. I have met a few dommes that I thought cared and were good people, but, with the exception of one domme who left the scene entirely, most of them have just gotten offended that I have a negative perception of findom.

    Anyway, my point is, I spent all that money and have nothing to show for it. I don’t even talk to 99 percent of the dommes I send to anymore, just get a “session” and go.

    I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this post. I hope it wasn’t too all over the place.

    To OP, I hope you are able to beat this. Thank you for sharing your story because if you hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have the courage to share mine.

    Good luck to all struggling. We will best this.
    Admonius likes this.
  5. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

    @999wrld it’s a fetish that, in my opinion, ties aspects of gambling and porn/sex addiction. I say this because I believe the mechanisms behind fin dom are the same as that of gambling in some ways. It’s a sex gambling high which is dangerous and, unlike porn alone, leaves you with evident losses beyond the well documented withdrawals. I can’t speak for your experience but mine came from a place of fear of the unknown. Ironic given that recovery is facing that fear.

    Yeah those “dommes” are all the same in that they think it’s great but they don’t see the destructive side of it and think it’s harmless. They are akin to drug dealers and as users, we are stupid enough to engage with them.
    My advice? Learn self discipline. I have been without it for about 3 months and have cut down substantially. Find the reasons why you went there and understand it. I’ll assume you used Twitter, so delete that account and don’t go back. Start recovery and make progress man.
    If you slip, learn from it and move on.
    999wrld likes this.
  6. Jakethedog

    Jakethedog Fapstronaut

    i kind of understand you, i've found myself addicted to weird fetishes and situations and recently i understood that most of my sexual problems came from not believing in myself. porn is really tricky for people who go too deep and we can see some weird shit in there. solution to your problem requires some work but don't be frightened by it if you wand to defeat your addiction you will. first of all i want you to sit alone in your room (or anywhere where you can be alone) clean your mind for a bit, get rid of your gadgets and any access to the internet and just be there with yourself. think about how you got there and how did all of it start. maybe your parents are the reason or one of your past relationships damaged you hard. fetishes are normal but if you hate it and want to get rid of them it defiantly is bad thing. after thinking all this stuff it will be like braking down a chest of dirt and now as you have acknowledged how it all startted and why you're in this position just start getting rid of this "dirt" and realise that none of that stuff is really your fault porn or traumas in lot of cases damages us and all we can do is to replace our bad habits and become best versions of ourselves. after you'll do as i told you there are few more things you can do. fist of all i would recommend superman pose. stand in front of the mirror for few minutes in superman pose and repeat thet youre a strong man. strong posing is proven to increase your confidence and mood. do this trick few times a day. there are quite a few hobbies that you could take that will make your life more fun and interesting. replace your habits and become better it took me years to get better if you'll read my previous posts you'll see how desperate i've been but im now as close as ever to winning against porn addictions. i myself was addicted to femdom and all kinds of dominations basically because i didn't have confidence or my mind told me that i don't hvae it so i couldn't get hard for normal porn it was bad period of my life but i overcame it and now im getting better every day. wish you all the best my friend
    999wrld and Admonius like this.
  7. 999wrld

    999wrld Fapstronaut

    Thanks to you guys both for responding. I regret to say that I did relapse since making that post. Which, considering it has only been a week, doesn’t make me feel great. Even worse, I sent another couple hundred.

    But I know that I can’t change it. It happened and I have to just accept that I slipped up. I have seen here or somewhere else that relapse is part of recovery. I still truly want to quit, and intend to continue trying.

    I feel I may just come on here and write some of my thoughts about the whole thing from time to time. I may also start keeping a journal for me personally.

    You are right that I did find findom through Twitter. I have deleted my account many times, but the thing that usually gets me is you can reactivate it by logging back in again. I honestly wish once it was deleted, it was gone for good. Tonight, I’m deleting it again. Hopefully I can learn some self control. I will look for hobbies to distract myself.

    I agree that most of these girls do not truly see the harm in it. At the same time though, they constantly talk about how it is an addiction, we will always relapse, we should go I to debt, etc. So while I would say most dommes don’t want to take literally everything, some don’t care. But the reality is most just don’t ask, and don’t know.

    Regardless of whether they know what they’re doing though, I realize it’s my fault. I mean, if I never created a Twitter account and messaged them asking to take my money, they never would have known I existed. And I still have that control now to stop talking to them.

    I want to try to get back into reading, or maybe finally learn some more guitar. Anything to keep my mind off of findom.

    With New Year’s coming up, quitting is easily my resolution for 2022. To hear you say that you have been without it for three months is amazing. It’s proof that I can get there one day too if I put in the effort.

    I guess I will have to do some self reflection, and truthfully I have already thought a lot about what might have led me here. Ultimately, I think I am just a pretty sensitive guy and some of the break ups/rejection I’ve faced has really gotten to my confidence.

    But I truly have a lot in my life to be grateful for right now. I don’t want take any of it for granted, but I fear that’s what I’m doing by blowing away money and not saving any for my future. That will stop. By next year I will be a much different person.

    I’ll try some of those mirror exercises. Honestly, I would self I lay into myself a lot after relapses with negative self talk. “You’re so stupid”, “How could you do this”, etc just because I feel guilty about relapsing.

    So I could certainly change my outlook a bit by attempting to find things I really like about myself. I could give therapy a go as well, though I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. I think I may have some form of depression which may also be a contributing factor to my addiction.

    Anyway, this post has gone on long enough. The short of it is I relapsed, but I still want to quit. I am going to keep posting progress here mostly because I want something to hold myself accountable. I feel if I have to write it out everytime I relapse, it may help me learn something. At the least I can reaffirm to myself that this is not a good feeling, and remember why I have the desire to quit.

    Happy Holidays to all and again thank you for the kind words. I’ll probably start updating this every week or so, whether I relapse or not. Hope all is well with you guys.
  8. WhiteLion

    WhiteLion Fapstronaut

    The disturbing thing about the findoms is that it takes no real skill. It is so easy for these women to get on the internet and start doing this. I worry about the social implications of this development.

    People are being social engineered to not see all the sick social relationships all around them. I never got into this stuff because the first time I actually tried to get involved with BDSM stuff it scared the shit out of me. I learned that this is not for me. I remember one femdom telling me that she was diagnosed with a sadistic personality disorder as a child and would chase boys down with scissors. I have worked with children and that is upsetting behavior to see from a small child, I know because I have seen things like that and have talked to children about safety. It gives me some real questions about how we are raising girls.
    Admonius and 999wrld like this.
  9. 999wrld

    999wrld Fapstronaut

    I guess it might say something about men in general that we seek this out. As I said in my previous post, I fully recognize that I messaged them asking for this.

    The truth is I feel alone.

    Whether or not they realize, the findoms take advantage of this feeling in me. I have regretted every single one of my purchases. Had I not got into findom, I could have worked to a point to where I could spend that money on a real girl who might actually care about these issues and me as a person.

    FYI haven’t relapsed yet. Hope to keep the streak alive.
  10. 999wrld

    999wrld Fapstronaut

    I relapsed again last night. A pretty bad one. I spent $315 in total.

    It wasn’t my first relapse since my last post, but it was my biggest. I think it had something to do with me being stuck in bed. I had been sick the past couple days and was finally getting better, but not to the point I could really leave the house.

    Either way, that’s really just an excuse. I deleted my Twitter account again and hopefully I can keep away from it this time. So far, I’ve only come on here to share some bad news. But my goal is to come back here next week with next week to tell you guys I have been findom free for a week.

    This relapse, I didn’t really enjoy it as much when I was doing it, which I guess is a good thing. I don’t know. Relapse is a part of recovery and I can’t change it. Just have to move forward and try to beat my previous streak. I feel bad for having done this, but it is a bit different feeling than in the past. I feel more hopeful that I am making progress and can soon stop this for good.

    Hope everyone else here is doing well.
    BobbyBaccala1987 likes this.
  11. Change5454

    Change5454 Fapstronaut

    What has broke me from findom on a few occasions is - when I'm starting to get worked up and about to send, I open a new browser and jerk off to anything. Any porn that will make for a quick release. Once I cum, almost all of my drive for sending dissapates. Yes I feel like shit for jerking off to porn but I feel good knowing that I didn't spend money on a crippling addiction like findom. After that I delete twitter / paypal accounts or whatever I'm using at that point. Delete my burner emails too. Then I'll send a small amount of money to a charity. Sure the urge for findom comes back at some point, but at least my money on that day went somewhere better and I dodged another massive findom binge. Also deleting the accounts make it a pain in the ass for next time when I want to go back into findom.
  12. creatorofmyowndestiny

    creatorofmyowndestiny Fapstronaut

    does mastrubating to simple nude pics of girls help femdom addicts to recover?
    After 13 days of nopmo and denying every single thought of femdom in last 13 days..yesterday i mastrubated to nude pictures and fantasizing about vanilla scenerious and it felt good not as good as femdom but good and after mastrubating i think it helped my brain to rewire but now i need to know that if it's considered as a relapse..please help me guys
    zbebmaster likes this.
  13. Wayne_Kerr

    Wayne_Kerr Fapstronaut

    I wish I had the answer bro.
  14. Wayne_Kerr

    Wayne_Kerr Fapstronaut

    Last edited: Feb 5, 2022
  15. Thanks for telling me about Findom. I never sent girls money just for the sake of doing it, but I started to make good money (went from 20k to 100k per year) and have a bit of trouble using it the right way. It’s a really good catalyst for our live but it’s much more valuable if used wisely.

    For $3000 you could have bought clothes that make you 10X more attractive

    For $3000 you could have gone on holiday for 10 days (and invite a girl to come along)

    For $3000 you could have [fill in the blank]

    I would assume the actual core of the problem is porn and edging, isn’t it?

    After all, doing Porn and Masturbation overrides our logical thinking and that’s when guys take out their wallets.
    trylifeagain likes this.
  16. trylifeagain

    trylifeagain Fapstronaut

    "If you are going to...go buy a real hooker or escort. At least make it worth it...I don't like spending money, so never really was tempted to give money to some chick online"--cold as ice, man.

    Your moves: joke, implying that soliciting sexual services, risking health, would be better; recommend holy books--ain't you high and mighty, pal!--and then, you end by talking about you and your relationship with money.

    In such a community, one's own posts are equally as mockable or silly to another. Keep it humble.
    Change5454 and jcl1990 like this.
  17. trylifeagain

    trylifeagain Fapstronaut

    Could you shed some light on your road to success? It'd be great to hear your struggles and how you worked through them.
  18. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

    lol amen

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