Poll/Question about movie watching now...

My husband, on his own, has given up all movies for an indefinite amount of time. I know of one, and she used to be one of my favorite avengers movie actresses. I think in order to prevent a relapse, and to also prevent hurt on our end, and if giving up movies isn't an option, I would say to let him pick safe movies to watch.
I've never asked my husband for names of anyone because I knew I would just go compare myself to them if I did. The only reason I know of the one actress is because of how he kept looking her up. I dont know if he ever MO to them, or if he thought of them during sex with me, or anything along those lines. Part of me wants to remain ignorant to things for awhile until I can get myself to a more healed stage.

 

As painful is it is as a betrayed to compare your worth to the near perfect actresses or celebrities, it is a vicious cycle of never measuring up. There will always be another woman prettier than you, richer than you, and certainly younger than you. That is the reality. It's okay that there are beautiful successful young women in this world with charm and charisma. I do understand how it can indeed hurt though when your man steps out of the relationship into fantasyland and indulges in selfish behaviors at your expense. It is truly awful I admit.

The 100 number intrigues me. It tells me he isn't fixated on one particular actress. That his mind was storing up a plethora of imagery to get the high from the "newness of experience", known as the Coolidge effect. It's not so much about the particular woman, but more about the seeking the next new woman. Our addict minds' become "bored" with the same tantalizing thing that was once SO appealing. That is why the endless hours of scrolling when acting out. The brain searches for that "just right" hit.

Even if you gave him a whitelist of approved actresses, it wouldn't necessarily fix the real problem.

If he is truly in recovery, he will do whatever he can to make you feel safe. Such as checking imdb parental reviews for provocative or nudity before watching a movie. On his own accord he may say something to the affect "honey this movie has an actress I once oogled over, we don't need to watch it if it doesn't make you feel comfortable, but I wanted to be transparent and I am committed to you and us, and am not watching it to lust for her."

Digging out who all, or what specific women he is/was into may statisfy some curiosity, but doesn't give relief because you can never police every person he may see or think about. As he identifies what attributes those 100 women have in common he can better understand his own arousal template and use the information to better safeguard against sticky situations or his own triggers. It also helps him get out of denial by understanding his patterns of behavior.

In the end he should always put you ahead of his own selfish sexual desires. It is important you feel safe, and the relationship comes first, even at the expense of his movie entertainment. In time and trust, as he demonstrates safety and control he can watch again.

I hope for healing in your relationship. May you two be vulnerable and authentic. Movies are not a necessity, connection is.

 

Oh and I forgot to say, 100 specific women "real/photoshopped nude" sounds like a case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

I've seen x actress in a benign situation, addict brain says " I wonder if she ever was nude, I wonder what's going on under those clothes. Who else is cute that I haven't undressed?" Thus the list is formed.

And instead of sitting with the uncomfortability of never knowing or not seeing what they shared publicly, our entitled self-endulgent minds feed the addiction so we don't "miss out". For some it's porn actresses, others movies, some instagram girls, others webcams, etc.
All selfish entitlement at the expense of the relationship.

Emotionally there is some little scared boy stuff going on there that causes FOMO. And more work has to be done. But that could be a cause.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what is FOMO?

 

Fear of Missing Out

 

Getting an exact list of names is not going to help anyone - you're going to compare and what happens if he forgets a name and then reveals it later, it's going to feel like he lied even though he may not have, or he's going to feel pressure to lie about it later to avoid having a second disclosure.

I advise he do a 3 circles worksheet like this one: https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/

Go over it with an accountability partner or you (you are not his accountability patner) or a therapist. If seeing one of these actresses in a movie is defined as a relapse, then he needs to tell you before the movie starts or make sure to avoid his eyes. But maybe for him the relapse isn't seeing the actress, but googling/searching for images. It's up to him to define his sobriety.

 

@MountainInMyWay I agree as well about the not knowing all the names of everyone. My husband disclosed the other day that his 'template' was tall women. I didn't ask him for that information, it just came up due to one of my daughters new ABA therapists that comes to our home. He felt triggered upon seeing her. He also had that reaction to my daughters speech therapist who is also tall. He said he felt the reason these women triggered him was because when he looked at P, one actress he always watched was a tall woman. So, we put it into context. I asked him, given how self conscious he is about his height, if he would feel good dating a woman taller than him. We basically narrowed it down to, if the taller woman was less intelligent than him, and didn't wear high heels, he might be okay, but if she did, he would feel inadequate.
We narrowed it down even further and used myself as an example. If I were taller than him, he wouldn't feel good about himself. The main reason is because he sees me as super intelligent (for whatever reason). I told him I feel this has to do with his insecure attachment relationship he has with his mom. The tall women come into play because when you're a kid, obviously your mom is taller than you. So it was more of a comfort template, to make up for what he felt he was lacking from his mom rather than an arousal template, it was just criss-crossed in the wiring due to P. He was exposed when he was 5 years old. He was still unsure about it so I reminded him that height is obviously a big thing for him because if it weren't, he wouldn't feel so much more confident in himself when he wore his boots or his shoes that make him much taller than me versus only a few inches taller without them. When we got to the basic issue of him actually being with a tall woman, it would be unappealing to him.That really made him think.
Thats what makes me wonder about men who have a specific template. Maybe it is the same, that it is in an effort to try to establish that bond with someone, such as their mothers, with whom they didn't feel bonded to as they should have been as children. Then once they are exposed to P, the wiring gets crossed and it becomes sexual instead. This could also just be exclusive to my husband. I feel research should be done in this area to explore it further. It may help some men.

 

The Carnes Arousal Template worksheet will kick your ass mentally if you do it right and have a therapist go over it with you.

 

After reading a bit about it, I can see why. Thank you for this information

 

I'm 40% of the way through. Took me 2 weeks. Put a lot of non-sobriety thoughts in my head so I needed walks and talks. Goal is to finish before next appointment. It can be very enlightening though.


I will also add that triggers don't have to b physical. Yes, I have to admit there are certain features I'm attracted to - but my bigger arousal template triggers are emotional. It's about countering my shame and inadequacy feelings.

 

We all have an arousal template of sorts, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Usually we call them preferences, or biases. There are physical factors that excite us more than others. It's how we percieve beauty and apply value to which attributes, again nothing wrong with this. Some love tall, others short, some love blondes others brunettes. How or why we've come to prefer these characteristics isn't necessarily a traumatic response, or Porn induced conditioning. Good news is our brains are malleable, so these arousal templates can be reworked, if they are problematic or unhealthy.

@MountainInMyWay this analogy of penny payments I learned early in recovery may be helpful in what you're dealing with.
Btw is your PA on here?

And

 

And why wouldn't the pictures and images in your mind not affect your soul? Do they not do him harm as well? Those things that are wholesome, uplifting and virtuous bring us joy and peace. Those things with design to abuse, entrap, self-gratify can not bring joy and peace. It makes perfect sense that you have anxiety or rage or pain by the elements he has seen.

You mention a form of control,.. maybe. But it would seem to me that would be a natural reaction of a betrayed heart. I would tend to believe it is more born out of fear. Fear that he again hides and decieves, fear that you somehow don't measure up, fear of simply sitting with the unknowns why emotionally you don't feel safe. Fear compels us all to react in some form, everytime.

I can't image what an SO truly experiences, it must be painful and aggravating to deal with. Mad respects for hanging in there. Be kind to yourself, know it can get better for you.

 

Complicated answer..... no more movies. My husband doesn't appear, per his disclosures, to ever have looked up someone specific. But he did say that if he watched something with strong sexual content that it would spur him to look at porn later that night. So now we are on a lockdown of shows and movies - if our kids couldn't watch it than neither can he for my own safety. If he wants to see something he can have me watch it first and if I feel ok then it's fine. Hopefully it's not like this forever but if it needs to be it will be if he wants to be with me.

 

There's a lot of great info above. I don't have much to add, other than ...

On the other side of a real reboot, your partner should break his patterns of sexualizing/objectifying women in general and learn how to express his sexuality specifically toward you.

There are a number of actual women in my life I used to fantasize about. There are a number of popular actresses I used to seek out. While I was using, references to them would trigger my urge to seek an opportunity to MO. Now? I see these women in real life or scroll past a news article about these actresses, and I'm just not that interested.

Of course, when I say "reboot" I mean 90 days, no porn, masturbation, or orgasm. No sex. Even if you're married. Total sexual deprivation. You can see my counter for how far along I am in my own reboot.

Now what triggers me? My wife. Seriously. I never appreciated what I already had until I deprived myself of everything else.

This has been months of rebooting in the making. Zero porn. Zero masturbation. Zero sex. Zero music with sexual themes. Zero movies with sexual content. Zero anything that would cause me to spiral back into my old habits. It has been perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but I feel a passion and love for my wife that I haven't felt since we started dating. Only through a true hard-mode reboot, my wife's unconditional commitment and support, and a whole ton of God's grace.

Your SO can get there, too. He can break the sexual connection to the images of these women. But he needs to want to fight like hell for it.