Poor sex life a reason for PMO or a consequence?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Exoffender, Nov 25, 2020.

  1. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    Would like your views please. With a wife going thru the change, less sexual drive, not getting wet, hormones playing up, hot flushes, you name it, how can we abstain from PM to satisfy her properly?
    But its so bloody hard if you only have sex once a month, when you want at least twice a week... I need to stay strong but its so hard. My therapist says M and O without P is OK but I'm not so sure. Thoughts?
     
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  2. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    That's a hard situation. First you should talk to her about it. I'm pretty sure going PM would not improve your situation on the long term.

    As a grown man, starting an intense masturbation habit seems pointless to me.

    I don't want to sound bad but, doing with full consciousness, you could try to see a sex worker if your wife don't agree to be more opened in having sex.
     
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  3. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    A controlled, not P induced masturbation habit could maybe be a solution, visiting a sex workers scares the hell out of me - although plenty available in this beautiful country :)
     
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  4. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Try being honest with her first - I would avoid sex workers personally.
     
  5. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

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    I'm really sorry to hear about this situation. It must be really uncomfortable for you, and if you think about it, it must be for your wife as well.

    I can tell you 1 thing for sure: PMO would make things way worse in the relationship, your psychology, and your personal life. Don't give in to it.

    Perhaps being honest with your wife is your best move right now. Tell her how much this is impacting you, and let her know how important being intimate with her is for you. Maybe, there are some "alternatives to sex" that you can do with her.

    I think it's a matter of both of you placing yourselves in the other one's shoes, so try to understand what she's going through right now.
     
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  6. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your kind words. Don't know if I have the courage to bring it up though.
     
  7. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

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    Picking the right time and the right words might be really helpful. Don't overestimate this situation, the best thing for any relationship is to keep the communication doors open.

    My best wishes to you and your wife.
     
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  8. Peter.Parker10

    Peter.Parker10 Fapstronaut

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  9. RDucky

    RDucky Fapstronaut
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    You could try sex workers like my ex-husband did and end up divorced after decades of marriage and destroy your wife and kids and yourself in the process. That shouldn't even be a consideration.
     
  10. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    From my experience with the wife, menopause is a years long process. So best you figure a way to start talking about this with your wife. And in NO circumstances use PMO, that's adding another problem that most of us on this site are working hard to overcome that addiction. Seeing a sex worker is absolutely out of the question. Take this life stage as an opportunity to grow closer to your wife on another level. Establish other forms of physical intimacy besides intercourse. And keep in mind some day your physical capability for sex may change too, so treat your spouse how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.
     
  11. blunt.ever

    blunt.ever Fapstronaut

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    Does a sex worker mean more precisely a urologist? It's the first time I've heard of such a thing. What does a sex worker do? And it would not be advisable to go to him?
     
  12. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Sex workers are prostitutes.
     
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  13. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    This is ridiculous. Divorce is a kinder solution than that. By far. The fact that you even typed this means you do not know what marriage is and are deeply, deeply entrenched in addiction and intimacy anorexia. I would divorce my husband if he even admitted thinking about this.
     
  14. phwrancesco

    phwrancesco Fapstronaut

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    I live a long term relationship and i perfecly know what i'm talking about. It's not my case, but a relationship without sex is 100% destined to cause pain and problems for both. Rather then living in a fantasy world, that is only a pratical solution for a pratical problem.

    This moralism about sex had really to stop on this forum. Ridiculous.
     
  15. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    It's one thing to have a conversation and have an agreement as a couple when it comes to physical intimacy and needs.
    It's another to go behind her back and screw a hooker.
     
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  16. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    Your post says it all, you are in a long term relationship not a marriage. Clearly making that firmer vow of exclusivity is not in your interests. It is living in a fantasy world to suggest that it is even an option for a father and husband to just go out and get off with a strange woman rather than choose to connect with his wife, support her and look for solutions. I would bet that being a mother, starting menopause and dealing with betrayal trauma are probably making it pretty hard on her end. A divorce would seriously be more practical than what you are suggesting.

    The better solution here is to work on promoting true intimacy, increase foreplay and look into support to deal with the uncomfortable changes that are happening to her body. Can any of you men really imagine what it must feel like to be dealing with a wonky body that is changing from everything you've known for the past 40-50 years while at the same time grappling with the fact that your husband has been getting off to images of women that are barely legal? That might be the same age as some of your daughters? Dealing with betrayal trauma is crippling even if you are in a perfect body. She is entering the time of her life where the marriage should be gifting her the safety to transition into this new body knowing that her husband loves her body and only her body. Instead she gets to go through this.
     
  17. RDucky

    RDucky Fapstronaut
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    Exactly. Screwing hookers behind your wife's back and lying and gaslighting her for years is what my ex did. Why would any woman want to be married to a lying, cheating fool who puts her health at risk? If you think she might disagree with you banging hookers so you cheat and lie, you have a whole other set of problems besides lack of sex.
     
  18. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    recent posts appear to veer from the OP's initial topic and request for help. try dm people if you have differences of opinion about off-topic subject matter
     
  19. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    In the end of the day, sex work will never be ethical. Because if you think closely about this, are engineers, doctors, architects...etc trafficked in the same way 'sex workers' are ?. I guess the answer is no, and it is just a dead giveaway that sex 'work' isn't really like any other work.

    Check this young ex-escort's journal on Nofap, she relates her life and how unfortunate events led her to chose the path se did: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/lots-of-sex-partners-but-never-had-an-orgasm.297416/
    After that, you can deduce whatever you find logical or moral.
     
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  20. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    @Exoffender
    right there with you. SO is starting early menopause. We haven't had intercourse for over 13 months. Sex only by hand, both ways but once a month ... maybe.
    Trying to be supportive, kick the habit etc.

    Same as you, I'd like it to be twice a week probably. But on the other hand, that is what most men say, how we are raised and are addicted. Even if the addicting is not fed by P (which it mostly is) it is fed by a year long relationship which mostly starts, in love with a lot of sex. And women are still raised thinking sex is needed to be a good wife, mostly for the male etc etc. We are taught and people repeat it here that a relationship without sex is bad.
    It isn't of course. A relationship dependent on sex for is to be good sounds worse to me.


    Now trying to find out who I am without PMO.

    Talking more to my wife, trying to understand her more. Where does my need for sex come from?
    Hormones, insecurity? the need for attention.
    Very hard to think, truly about yourself and dig deep.
    Good luck, keep talking to your wife but understand that you have to solve your problems, not her.
    Show her you can solve them and not whine about it.
     
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