Quit drinking, smoking, porn, but I can't quit sex searching mode.

Greetings. 36 yo male, for background refer to my post on the new section. Have fun!

I have quit all of my other addictions, been 3 years sober now, but weekend comes and I dread not having girls to have sex with. I was in a monogamous relationship for the past 3 years, broke up in april, and I've had a shitty luck since. RN I'm insecure, unattractive, had porn dick for a while, and soon after EDing with a woman I was very into I quit porn a month and a half ago, but the feeling of years of very unsafe erections lingers. Now I am more confident about my ability to have and sustain an erection, but I am also insecure when it comes to going out and picking up girls, I'm out of shape, and I never got very good at it TBH. When I was single last I use apps a lot, they're much simpler then going out, and I also quit apps because I want real connections, I want things that happen vis a vis, and apps are quite the contrary. Now my brain is telling me that I should download apps, because (which is true) I've met so many nice cool girls on apps before, and that it's better then to be alone on a saturday night, etc. I am also all the time gauging my attractiveness, yesterday I got flicked off by a very unnatractive girl, last weekend I brought home another unnatractive girl, my constant casual partner is not very pretty, so that all signs point to me being way less attractive then I'd want to be, I feel like surely I am much more unnatractive then I was when I started dating my ex. I've been friendzoned by a couple other women I was talking to that I met these past months. I want to keep with my proposition to be patient, be real with myself, take all the flak from being out there the first time in my life free of addictions, truly present,approaching girls (working at a club one day at a week, sports groups, hanging out with people), understanding what I want, who attracts me and who doesn't (with porn I thought every girl was potentially attractive, now I know it's not like that), and standing unaided by ego or false impressions of myself. I know male attractiveness and being secure are very much related, and I know for a fact I am not secure right now, but my mind is all the time saying "how can you be secure if you're not having sex as much as you want". To tolerate frustration of not having a group of partners from which I can rotate days, like I had before my last relationship, is also something which I want dearly. To learn how to tolerate not having sex, and not feel like I'm missing out, that my identity is under threat, that I am never going to raise a family because I'll never find a girl that matches my wants and that will want to be with me. I should focus on work, because I have heaps going on, and although I am being productive, but since I broke up TBVH my productivity is slowly slipping because I am putting more and more time and effort in meeting new women. Nothing wrong with that, I am not guilty about it, as long as it's not a compulsion, which is slowly becoming once again. A couple weekends ago I got really lucky one night in a theater venue, and I hooked up with heaps of girls, and that energized me to seek more. I want to understand how to approach this in a non compulsive way.

So, in conclusion, I am trying to approach dating in a face to face, present manner, with very mixed results, def not the ones I wanted from it; in a non compulsive way, but with confidence (knowing that in the past my confidence came from abundance, verifying in the rl that I had that many women telling me the most inequivocal way I was good enough), so that I can approach and relate to women I really want to be with. I still am not finding my footing in RL dating after a relationship, years of apps, the novelty of being sober and present, and I feel very naked about it. I know the results come in the long run, but since I've done all I thought would give me better relationships, all that happened was that I've been rejected by women I was very confident I'd seduce before all that. Is it age related, was I not as lucky as I thought before (I know I was much more then I am right now, objective observation), is it my context, the newness of being sober? Or am I just very unable to deal with frustration? And, more importantly, I want to have casual sex, and also have good relationships that are affectionate, but how can I make them happen? I sure as hell am approaching, talking to girls, and I want a balance. The eagerness is also a problem, that is in close relation with the compulsion.
Anyways, if you've made this far, thank your for reading, I hope you're having a great day and that, whatever issues brought you here, you find better answers.

TL;DR, sex addict, sober 3 years now, approaching relationships in a new frame and getting frustrated at the results.

 

You're absolutely right, no offense taken. I will focus on productivity, which is the most valuable thing I can do now. And I'll focus on myself knowing that, as many times before, a decent woman is going to show up. Cocaine does to you what cocaine does to you, can't ask no more of it, but I sure can stay away from it.

 

Just an update, porn dick is sorta gone, yesterday had a very secure erection with a petite girl, condom on, had sex twice in an hour, the second time she rode me cowboy very rough and my penis just took the beating happily. I am very glad because now I can develop my dating life without having to worry about failing in bed, using medicine that wrecks your vision, explaining to the girls I was tired, seeing the girl I want to have an affectionate relationship with slipping because I'm insecure, looking myself in the mirror and thinking I wont be able to do anything with any girl whatsoever because if I manage to pick her attraction I have to sustain having sex and that is not happening when you have pied.
But that is also a dangerous path to abuse, because I can easily spend my time chasing girls and not doing the things I oughta do to improve myself, I am self employed, and should be working for instance, but I'm at the forum thinking and talking about sex. I am not complaining about succesfully rebooting at all, I am saying that I have to be careful now, and not slip back into old habits, now that I have regained the very basic functions of masculine sexual characteristics. Man, just how fucking detrimental porn is, specially to people with sex addiction and related issues.

 

I thank you for your advice, and I can understand your point, but also I am friends with transience of all things and I want to enjoy the ride with repsonsibility and care for the ones I love. I am mostly happy with what I am/have, and it's a balance between productivity and sociability, and that is what I aim by balancing my urges. I don't care to pull the strings, nor to be Rocco Siffredi, I just want to be able to feel my life is worthy and according to my values, be it now or at ICU at the end of my life.

 

An update: I remember the lowest I've been, must have been five years ago, the day the hottest girl I've ever gone out with left me. We had been on and off for a while, and one night we met for dinner and beers. We went to my place afterwards, and kept partying until late. Next day we spent the day in bed, and at around five in the arvo she got up and left. I knew that very moment it was the last I'd see of her. We cared for each other but our conection was limited, yet I was dogged persistent on trying for long term with her because she was really hot. When she left I felt the loneliest I've ever felt, I thought about self terminating in executive terms for the first time then and there, and it felt relieving instead of sad. I was hungry, lonely, hung over, had just had a shitload of sex, and the fantasy/dream I had with her was undoing at the seams right in front of me. That day I cried on the living room floor like someone had died.
But I found a purpose in that: I'd prevent that from happening in the future by understanding what went wrong and how to remediate. I had a question, and I'd find answers. Started therapy, talked to my mates about what they saw that I couldn't see that made me difficult to be around, I took responsability for heaps of things I hadn't before, I went out and talked to girls in settings I just wouldn't before, I put myself out there... and definitly my life turned around. I thought I'd arrive at a place of more understanding, and consequently more comfort. I do understand better what is happening to me now I'm sober, but I have not become more comfortable. Quite the contrary, now things are more difficult, I have to deal with not drinking (and not having a cozy place to escape), now I am finding out I cant use sex to escape like I did, and that there is nothing in this world that will give you permanent peace of mind. Now I have neither the grandiose fantasy nor the hitting the floor, everything is pretty average. It's like the ending of Name of the Rose, when suddenly all the mistery and all that grandiosity and limitlesness of the library become the most mundane thing, even banal, in that it cannot save itself from what it is, although the knowledge to prevent and to remediate it's demise must have been contained in itself many times over.
Today I feel like a humbled version of me, insecure because the best answers I've found have shown me that they are not answers, and that there are no permanent answers to what I want. Theres no transcendence from the ordinary daily life in neither addiction and fantasy, nor in living day to day and present. You can create very good conditions to live day to day, and yet they are not going to give you absolution, transcendence, meaning beyond itself.
I'm curious about having children because of that: living for others is the only thing I've found ever came close to giving me the level of satisfaction I felt before coming clean about my addictions.

 

Viele danke for the kind words, freund! I'll second the words of our friend pete379: as long as you are alive and well, it's not to late for you. Boxing, man, I've just looked up muay thai in my vicinity this morning. I am a runner, I can run long distances, and I've always prefered running and gym to boxing and fighting gym for a single reason: ass. You get no ass in these gyms. That is an awful mistake I've made for long. Two things: first of all, never learned to fight, and being confident all around demands you know how to fight in case you need. I've lived my whole life knowing I can take anyone down by using objects, which is true, but I'll end up having a high stakes accident someday, and I'm not keen on that. Second reason: if you know how to fight, you feel comfortable around other men, and as pete said, catnip. Third, it teaches you not to give up. There's no prize in giving up, theres no prize in attempting the first few 300 times, but never underestimate someone whos always showing up. Women are the gatekeepers of good reproduction, and although they do a shoddy job sometimes, that is the game, and that created evolutionary pressure for better capacity, which in turn allowed us to create language, computation, and to be able to communicate across long distances. Don't be salty about women, don't be beaten by all the failures you've experienced, you have an existencial responsibility towards you to at least try doing what you want, and if you're lucky you'll get a version of it, and you can even enjoy yourself while doing it!
Look up this dude called James Marshall on youtube, out of all the dating coaches he's the one that I've found actually has some pretty decent and useful content.
And better luck, I know I did all I could, and can at least go down with my mind easy about trying. That I think is the important part!