Rebooting challenges, thoughts, realizations

Hello forum,

this is my first post. I am writing today as a marker of the first time attempting NoFap, and of my experience so far. It is definitely an experience which is unfolding quite controversially, to my own surprise. So here i was, day 27 taking it easy and feeling pretty good about myself, and about the positive changes that i've been feeling since starting my PMO. I am a third year uni student and at the moment the deadlines are starting to pile up, and i could definitely feel the stress accumulating in my subconscious, and the my lazy procrastinating side slowly rising back up from the depths where i had banished it away. As this was happening, and past experiences that i had left undealt (specifically girl related) with came shooting back into my life like a slap in the face, and the combination of this and the stress culminated in me trying to release some stress by having a wank, which i proceeded to do 3 times in one night, and later on (lastnight) i got super lucky with a chick and ended up sleeping with aswell which, which ended up being a huge boost to my self confidence, yet super embarrassing as i didnt last 2 minutes, and am back where i started.
This completely drained my energy, and as soon as i had fallen back into my pillow i realized something important; i had made a mistake. but not just any mistake, a mistake made in the self interest of an ego looking to snatch the perceived benefits of letting go. of giving up, and pushing it all aside just for one night, and forget about it. It dawned on me that this would never happen in reality, and that the consequences of my actions would reverberate much further into my life.
I feel strongly that the strength of this realization came in part due to the fact that this is the first time that i have attempted to reach a target goal, and got so far. I usually rely on last minute thinking to get myself out of tricky situation, and am slowly starting to understand that the capacity of my brain that i am using is similar to the tip of an iceberg. I think what i mean is, when i believe something to be capable, and reminisce on my own past experience of having failed at a similar attempt, i way too easily forget the value in the lesson, or simply in the ability to remember it in the first place. I have realized that i have been making the same 'mistakes' over and over again, landing myself dead center in a loop in which i too often feel as though i am imprisoned by my own inability to overcome, laziness (better word needed).
However, as seemingly bleak as it may initially seem to be, there remains fundamental realizations that underlie this loop and the life mechanisms that are portrayed within.
in the end, it is our perception which will tip this loop from spinning upwards or downwards, into a way-too-well known 'abyss', or rather a mysterious light, that emerges all too often, and dissapears if you think about it too much (a bit like the golden snitch in hary potter). Fundamentally, though, there are always lessons to be learned from, and my motivation to write this post being my method of documenting my own process of development, and even why not to get some feedback from like minded fellows. Novelty, like the snitch, is difficult to capture, and even harder to tame, as the beast is shadowed by shadows of fear. The key as i have come to understand from my journey so far, is the fact that we have a choice in every moment that comes, which will pass us by whether OR NOT we choose to take it and own it to the max. Also, there is a peculiar thought of exponentiality which i strongly link to this emotion, and that i felt leave me so bluntly when i gave in to my urges of desire a few days ago. It is this 'flow' which is so often mentioned in philosophy, of being in the now, and having your entire body mind and soul harmonize, a relatively rare occurrence in my experience.
As i attempt to come to terms with my past that i have only recently realized was damaging my physical body (not stretching often, bad back posture, diet, overfapping etc). i too often find myself in a cloud of doubt, and of fear of what could go wrong IF. and though i understand that i am consciously doubting, i know that i still have a choice, and that i should not give up regardless, this decision however becomes harder make, or even see, the more i give in to my urges. Abstinence, i have realized, is more valuable than abundance. Less is more. Quality over quantity. I am in my own view, an introverted person, which i tell myself due to the relatively massive gap that i see between my thoughts and my reality. Be it in terms of expectations (a mistake a made in a childhood full of abundance which lead me to dream too big), correlations, and just the huge gap that exists between what is known and what is happening to us here on planet earth, as well as our individual roles that we must find and discover, lest we forget who we are. In hindsight, and as i type this paragraph, i am reminded by the huge amount of luck, and coincidence it must have taken for everything that ever was in the universe to lead up to me typing up a post on a website about my PMO. In the grand scheme of things, none if this matters, and yet this realization hints at the total and complete importance of it, nonetheless, as well as seeing that important and correct decisions should indeed be made in full confidence in light of this importance that we can choose to view our lives in. Also, everything is completely connected whether you choose to accept this or not. i feel this is a rule rather than a pov, and that it is the factual platform on which the 'exponential' benefits can start to take shape; as one good habit leads to another; as body mind and soul converge, we reach our peak 'performance', and the lines that we draw to separate them begin to blur. Another important lesson i;ve learned is the power that we hold in our ability to think, was not meant to be contained or held back for too long. Our emotions and thoughts are guides, they lead the way, and point the finger in the direction we most need to go in. if we hold them in, block them, or paint them with another colour, they will eventually find theyre way out regardless, so theres no point in compressing all the thoughts we filter through every day. i have found that the human species has created an abundance of methods for expressing ones self, and they were all right under my nose; art, music, singing, dancing, any form of expression- the freeing of emotion and of energy. it is our solemn duty, in my view, never to attempt to restrain this energy, as this is how our soul and spiritual side (most mysterious) find an outlet, and how we can discover who we are. i write these words hoping that one day i will look back on this day and be proud of this expression of thought, that may better myself, and potentially thousands more.
I see the beauty in life, yet i suffer from social anxiety, and self doubt. it holds me back, and i see this happening so much so that i have learned to let it go, let it happen. i struggle to maintain any spontaneity in social interactions, i have lost the ability to make jokes, and be creative on demand, though as a child i was always the more adventurous one, i feel as though existential discoveries have grounded my thoughts on a marble, and i have been chasing a ghost. the answers i seek can never be the object of knowledge. the point is to live. the point is to discover. the point is to submit ourselves completely to the flow of life and trust it to the utmost, and give it all we have. i often find refuge in the late hours of the night listening to philosphers like Alan Watts, and Ram Daas, who seem to have make so much sense of the world. yet my role in society remains the subject to constant disbeleif, as i see the masked faces of people everyday pretend to ignore all the problems tht exist because of us. Yet this too, was a choice, and the answer in turn will emerge from a choice. I chose life. i chose now !
I reset my PMO counter today, and i set out once more on the path for enlightenment, on the path for my self-discovery, and the path of potential, with full knowledge that i may well fail at any time, but i do so in the confidence that i will never give up the cause, i will never give up the dream which is being the best version of myself that i can possibly be. and remain unburdened by the trust i bestow into the unknown, which leaves my conscious light when i manage to do so wholeheartedly. I hope this messages bounces of the consciousness of someone who will understand where im coming from, or that can give me some advice on how to bounce back from a relapse. 90 days here i come !

Namaste brothers