Relapsed from my first attempt after lockdown binge

The last few months have been rough on me. I had a very good life set up. Porn was a vague whisper, easy to suppress. When lockdown began about 75% of my life collapsed instantly.

• I'm an immigrant. Seeing the majority of my family requires a 3k+ kilometre flight. My only direct relative in the same country as me lives diagonally across it from my town. I don't drive and public transport was forbidden.
• I have a job I used to love, but working from home is killing me. I'm not made for it. I need the office to re-open. This I knew before lockdown. I'd tried it before. This time it wasn't a choice. I felt stuck and I felt I didn't have control over my life.
• My girlfriend used to live in the next town over. When lockdown was about to begin she took a flight out to her home country. She's been away for 4 months. I've only been able to talk to her via video call. It's not a good substitute for real human contact.
• I'm new to the city I live in and I never knew that many people. A few took flight to stay with family and relatives and many that I know from work are a rather sizeable commute away from where I live. I only ever met a couple people a couple of times in the last 4 months.
• Gyms closed. Coffee shops closed. Reading and working in coffee shops and exercise were my favourite leisure activities. There were no conferences, no group activities, nothing.

I might as well have been living on an uninhabited desert island for the last 4 months.

All of those things combined and I was crushed and lonely. With a lot of time to myself, alone with access to my old addiction. It came back roaring. I couldn't hold it. I didn't really try that hard, to be honest. I was feeling a lot of pain and I wanted to numb it. I spiralled for a long time.

I now remember why I caged this beast years ago. I felt like absolute garbage for months. I had a small streak going for the last few days, nothing big at all, but it's a start. I'll try to double it next, at least. You can't kill what stubbornly refuses to die. You're not really down until you stay down.

No matter how much we work the beast will always be at the door. I know that now. I'll live with the weight for the rest of my life. I'll carry my cross. I'm strong enough. Always getting closer.