Scarlet letters

I am so, so, so sorry to read your story. My heart is so incredibly heavy right now....I just don't know what to say.

Porn is such poison to relationships and marriages -- it destroys the very fabric of what connects a married couple.

You two have been through so much .. the hurt and betrayal / the lies and the coverup / the fuller truth coming out only to sting that much more. I don't think I have read a more difficult, complicated story.

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What do you two want from this point on? Is there part of you -- either/both of you -- that still want to work out the marriage?

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I often describe to PA's the Three Distinct Recoveries that happen at different rates:
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[speaking to a PA]
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There are THREE distinct recoveries going on:
[#1] your recovery (from porn addiction)
[#2] your wife's recovery (from betrayal trauma)
[#3] marriage recovery

They all happen at different paces..."one-step-forward / two-steps-backwards" could describe any of those. Sometimes one of those might be stuck going NOWHERE for weeks or months!

Often times, [#3] won't budge until [#1] and [#2] are somewhat far along.

All you can do is focus on yourself right now .. and get PM-free and embrace recovery. If you try to focus too much on [#3] -- and your wife is not ready -- it will only greatly harm [#2] and [#3].
============================

For you two, there is lots of individually counseling and recovery that I think you need...
* where is your husband on his recovery from PA?
* where are you in your recovery from betrayal trauma? (from his PA / from his lies / from his newly-learned affair)

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NoFap is a wonderful community -- filled with hurting people helping others and slowly healing together.

I recommend that you start a journal / write in it often. Use it to pour out your heart, wrestle with all the ups and downs, etc. Many times, you will receive helpful feedback and comments. Or someone has a great piece of advice for you.

I am so sorry that you walked through all of that. Your husband's PA is _not_ your fault. You did not ask for it; he brought it into your life, into your marriage.

There can be healing -- for you two individually .. and even for your marriage, if that is how it goes.

I am glad that you found NoFap. I hope it is a source of comfort and help as you walk through this journey.

 

Hello,

I’ve been reading your husband’s thread since he started, but have yet to respond. I’m also a PMO addict. I’m hoping that I can add some perspective to the situation.

I’m 47, married with 3 kids. Like your husband, I’ve been unable to stop and I’ve hidden it from my wife. During weak moments I’ve found myself in strip clubs, spending family money much like your husband has done with the gambling. They’re all details, but the end result is the same. Lying, cheating, succumbing to urges and spending money in a shameful way, not being able to stop, hating myself and being terrified she would find out.

Addicts lie. It’s what we do when we’re in danger of being caught. It’s wrong, but in our trapped, desperate, wilted little minds it seems the only thing we can do. We’re trapped and we can’t stop because what was a dirty little hobby has altered our bodies so much that we can’t function in a normal way. I know, that sounds like an excuse, but so does your description of the parameters that lead up to your affair. You spoke about getting your sex drive back with another man in the same breath as telling him to focus on his “Walk with Christ”.

Problem number 1: He wants to have adventurous, intense sex that makes you feel objectified and uncomfortable. You don’t. Can you find a middle ground? Something that he finds exciting that you don’t object to?

Problem number 2: He’s addicted to PMO. That’s really an addiction, like cigarettes or drugs. It’s not something he wants to do that he hides from you. It’s something he desperately wants to stop that he hides from you. It’s actually a drug addiction to dopamine, and the stimulation threshold to get his body to give him the fix he needs is very high. Dopamine is the same naturally occurring “reward drug” that heroin forces your body to release in massive quantities. Porn, and the intensity of the situations in the videos, is a shortcut to get that high.

Problem number 3: Christianity intermingled in these situations. I understand that there’s an expectation that your religious identity has a moral code that should make these situations occur less. The reality is it’s in highly religious communities that these situations occur more, often in the shadows. The risk of shame is so high, but addiction doesn’t care where you pray.

Problem number 4: He needs to be honest, but his confessions infuriate you. This is the lie->confess->punish cycle we’re terrified of. You need to be prepared to hear anything and find a way to just work with him to dig his way out of that hole. He said you wanted him to get an accountability partner. That can be you. Tell him that you’re actually his best friend. As I mentioned above, the shame and terror of reprisal forces us to hide things from our wives.

Look, the fact is you’re both furious at one another. He is completely demoralized and you think you’ll never trust him again. You both need to talk it out. Go away together for a long weekend, if you can. Sleep in separate rooms. No physical contact, just talk and talk and talk. You’ll know if you have a fighting chance.

 

First she was referencing strengthening my faith so as her submission to me as her husband would not feel without merit. That is not something that is just given. It is earned and I never did what needed to be done to do that.

Secondly, as she said and as I have said, her sex drive being in the tank was completely my fault for the way that I treated sex in our marriage and the lack of importance I placed on any intimacy whatsoever.

She finds everything exciting. And is very adventurous sexually. The problem that we have between us is not the act. It's that I treated her with violence or indifference when she was offering things to me. It is the emotional wounds associated with that trauma that I created causing her to have an actual physical response of nausea when she thinks about doing those things with me even though she isn't opposed to the act itself. It is telling of my mentality when the first thing that I demanded when learning about the affair was everything sexually that she gave him, whether she wanted to or not. Another man became my wife's best friend and I was more concerned about getting a damn blowjob by guilt. That's how messed up I was. I was focusing on the sexual things I could get instead her heart that she gave to him because I have completely ignored this amazing woman for 7 years to the point that I finally broke her after shitting all over our marriage vows when she was trying ro be everything for me.

She is aware it's an addiction. She offered to be my accountability partner if I wanted. She was nothing but supportive when I told her about it but then I never changed. Instead I kept doing what I was doing and never taking any steps to safeguard myself.

My faith being intermingled in this situation is not the problem, it's he solution. The problem was when I stepped outside the will of God in lust, infidelity and every excess I could think of and started living solely for myself. My lack of spiritual strength caught up to me and because of it I led my family down a path of destruction. While the decision to have the affair was hers, I ultimately am responsible for the place she found herself in because I never did my job as her husband in showing her sacrificial love in response to her submission. I took her submission and took full advantage of it without ever considering her. Where we are now is completely my fault and I can accept that.

She tried to be my partner. I didn't let her. She has always been very supportive in the face of some pretty terrible confessions. Her anger now stems not from my confession as much as it does from the fact that I tore her down to people and got the pats on the back for staying when I had the same skeleton hanging in my closet. The hypocrisy of that is hard to deal with for her and understandably so.

 

Hi, Shattered Pieces. Your story is very sad. I'm sorry for what you're struggling through.

You said that you fear your story is unique. If it's any comfort, I read that something like 50% of wives experiencing betrayal trauma have "revenge affairs." Sometimes it's to punish their husbands, sometimes it's to force their husbands to understand the wife's pain, and sometimes it is to validate that the wife is still attractive after her self-esteem has been demolished.

I've read so many books and articles trying to figure this stuff out, I can't recall exactly where I read it or I'd post the specific link.

I'm actually really surprised that revenge affairs don't show up more often on NoFap. It seems like most PAs, even those in recovery, don't consider that their wife might seek out someone else. You even told your husband you were considering it, and he seemed not to hear you. It must be some trick that the disease plays on their brains.

I hope that you're able to find the support and peace you need.

 

First, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's a tough road for us SOs. You are not alone.

Tryinghard2change had some great advice for you. The advice from the other guy...take it with a grain of salt...when it comes from an active addict not in recovery, it is not going to be sound advice, it is coming from addict brain fog and not someone who has been successful.

If you would like your journal to be more private so you don't hear from active addicts, and it's not on a public forum (i.e. not open to anyone and everyone), please feel free to move it to the Significant Others Forum (SOS Forum). Many like theirs over there, but many like theirs here because they like feedback from everyone. But even if you want to keep your journal here, you can join to discuss other, more private things, or to just read what other SOs have to say.

It is important to set up boundaries for your personal well being until you feel safe again. Here are a couple of places to get you started.
http://adammmoore.com/2014/06/12/defining-and-enforcing-boundaries-in-sexual-addiction-recovery/
http://suzannerucker.com/creating-boundaries-when-you-are-in-a-relaitonship-with-a-sex-addict/

@AnonymousAnnaXOXO also has a link in her signature to a lengthy thread here on our forums.

Self care is important also. Be sure to start taking care of you during all of this.

 

Your story is heartbreaking, but know you're not alone. We are all here to help you through this tough journey. In my signature there is a resources thread that is great for newcomers to start with and a boundaries thread by @Kenzi to let you know how to set boundaries

 

Typed a response, deleted because I was making this about me. Sorry. That's not the purpose here.

 

Be careful if you pick up the book Betrayal Bond. It assumes that you, as the partner, picked your PA because of some past betrayal(s) or trauma(s); that you have a subliminal homing beacon for messed up people. It plants in your mind that you picked him because there is something wrong with you.

While that's certainly possible, it is also very likely that it's not. I just want to put that warning out there. Spouses and partners are being pushed into believing things about themselves that they know aren't true because "this expert" said so or "that book" told them they must be.

 

Welcome! I know you will find some amazing support and even make some new friends here on NF I know I feel I have.

 

Hello and welcome! Your story is very sad. It's a good reminder for everyone of all the pain that PMO addiction can cause. Hope you can find healing.

 

Confession:
I considered an affair. Didn't do it, but did start to get close emotionally with a man, realized it was getting into the emotional affair realm and stopped it dead in it's tracks. I had the opportunity to sleep with a man with an open marriage, thought about it for a second, and didn't. I also suggested that we go to a "sex club" and he just gets to stand in the corner and watch as I enjoy other men... didn't do it either, but I'm vulnerable and I know it. And it's all three reasons mentioned... punishment, forcing understanding of the pain and validating my attractiveness. I HATE that I think about this.

 

I never never thought about an affair before Dday... He was the ONLY man that I could see myself having sex with.. that's the honest truth.