Self-Sufficiency as a Pre-Requisite for a Relationship?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Sleeping_Beauty, Jan 17, 2017.

  1. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    Anyone else experience internal conflict with this?

    I don't believe I really have what it takes, the chemical makeup, the internal 'wiring', or whatever you call it, to be happy without a significant other. It doesn't even feel like a natural part of me.

    But people always say that you have to 'complete yourself' or 'make yourself happy' before you can even consider having a real, fulfilling relationship with someone else. Logically, I can understand why. How can you have anything to give another, if you don't have enough of it in yourself?

    But I just don't think I can even do it. I've never truly felt fulfilled on my own (as in happy) ever since I can remember developing feelings of attraction to the opposite sex.

    Anyways, does anybody else experience the same difficulties? Or does anyone have any advice/tips to share? It'd be much appreciated.
     
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  2. HipPete

    HipPete Fapstronaut

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    Well I totally empathize with you. It's quite hard to find meaning when the simplest pleasure of love is all you need. It just means you have to keep pushing on. As long as you are open and able to reciprocate the feelings, you should sooner or later learn to control them. Sadness and depression to one could mean loneliness and to another could mean an abusive relationship. If there's one thing I know it is, as you go months and months without pmo, you learn to calibrate conversations and read subtle signs.
     
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  3. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    Exactly.
     
  4. h215

    h215 Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro,

    That's an interesting question. I will give you my point of view about this subject, based in my long term relationship with my gf (5 years and a half).

    First of all, lets define self sufficience. According to one dictionary, self sufficience means:to be able to supply one's own or its own needs without external assistance.

    So first of all, if you are able to supply your own needs without external assistance, why would you even bother about finding someone to have a fullfilling relationship ? If you are self sufficient you don't need anyting external to feel the best you can feel.

    So now you (hopefully) realizes that it's not from the human nature to be self sufficient (otherwise we wasn't be living in society).

    Be aware though, that you must have and live your own life, even though you have a gf or wife (and your S.O must life hers).

    I started dating at the age of 16 and now I'm 22. Within all this time, we both (me and my gf) learned a lot and adjusted to one another. There are some weak areas I have and she helps me with it, the same happens with her. We have mutual benefits by being together since we mainly focus in improving each ones weaknesses instead of rely in one another to feel better and thats the whole point of a being in a relationship for me.

    Hope I didn't wander to much.

    all the best bro
     
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  5. Proceed

    Proceed Fapstronaut

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    Let me stop you right there; If you are not truly fulfilled on your own, right now, you probably don't need to be in a relationship. Just work on yourself for a while. I would recommend reading a self-help/personal change book like 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. But that's just my advice
     
  6. Noelle

    Noelle Fapstronaut

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    Humans need companionship. Isolation is a sure-fire way to become depressed and socially-estranged from the rest of the world. That said, I would advise that you and everyone on this forum use discretion when choosing either friends or life partners.

    To me, a person with no friends is MUCH better off than a person with plenty of friends who are into drugs and excessive alcohol use. Ideally, we would want companions that understand us completely. But that's a bit unrealistic. Everyone is unique and has differing perspectives on life. So you have to pick and choose what character flaws you're willing to overlook.
     
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  7. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    This might not directly help you with your issue but...there are no words in the English dictionary that would let me adequately explain how much I hhhhhhate that "You need to love yourself before someone else can love you" bollocks, so let me vent for a moment.
    First of all, it's a complete kick in the balls for anyone who's having a hard time and is feeling lonely. It basically translates to "Oh, you have self-esteem issues and suffer from loneliness? Well, because you don't like yourself, nobody else will like you either, so fuck you." Which is exactly what people in that kind of situation need to hear, isn't it?
    Secondly, it's often implied that "I am feeling sad because I have nobody to share my life with" means "I feel sad because I can only feel happiness through someone else's validation." It's not the same. I don't need someone to validate me to feel happy. But surely it's not an unfathomable concept that you feel somewhat empty if you don't have someone to make happy memories with, to feel physically close to, to support and to be supported by? You can live a full, interesting life and still feel like you're missing someone's company. Those are two entirely different issues!
    Third, the entire concept is bobbins to begin with. It implied that once you lead an interesting and happy life, romance is something that will just "happen" to you.Yea, it probably will if you're conventionally attractive and interesting with the social life of a classical extrovert. But if you're a quiet, introvert nerd who prefers reading books all day, your lifestyle could make you so happy you're vomiting liquid rainbows and shit magical fairy dust and you'll still die alone and unloved.
    [/rant]

    So yea, I can't really offer you any advice but maybe take my little case of verbal diarrhea as proof that you're not alone with your feelings...? ^^'
     
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  8. Sovereign Soul

    Sovereign Soul Fapstronaut

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    I think self-sufficiency is good if you want a stable relationship, but I don't think it is absolutely necessary. I'm guessing it can lead to better choices in getting into relationships since you're not doing it for the sake of receiving love and companionship but rather because you want to give. In that regard it could make you less desperate and dependent of others, leading to better relationships. But the idea that you must be perfectly fine in your own skin to get into relationships can be counter-argued by the fact that sometimes relationships lead to learning and growth. Your next relationship could tell you a lot about yourself (I learned a lot about my own insecurities through mine).
    Although I think self-sufficiency can be good for a relationships, the notion that you must be a specific way or change in order to be worthy of a relationship can lead to a complex, something that would never be helpful.
     
  9. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    This is a really solid question and something I have been experiencing and contemplating reccently. I dont believe that there is a definitive answer to this i.e. it is very situational and is on a case by case basis depending on the circumstances and the individuals involved. For me personally, self betterment, self discovery, self respect/appreciation is exactly what I needed. I am 17 virgin and never kissed a girl, but the gears have been set in motion for me to ask out the girl of my dreams in the near future. Me starting to talk to the girl I have always liked as well as her expressing interest in me never would have happened realistically if I had not drastically improved my social skills, physical appearance, and even my personal mindset towards women. The most important trait I have gained from nofap is my newfound perspective of love - it is only after nofap that I am ready for a real relationship and can focus on someone for who they are sex aside - this is extremely important. From my perspective, my previous unattractive, socially akward, sex crazed self probably could have found a relationship - but the new version of myself which has a genuine sincerity and compassion for real love outside of sexual release can truly find a meaningful longterm relationship. Sorry for the jumbled thoughts and examples - I want to emphasize the new mindset nofap gives you; your motives change and your actions follow. In my opinion you are very much ready to have and maintain a meaningful relationship after fully grasping love for someone outside of physical attraction or desire for sexual release. Prior to achieving this state of mind presumably from nofap, I dont see how one could reach the pinnacle of love for another.
     
  10. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Yea, I'm just gonna go ahead and bookmark your reply so I can quote it every time I see that stupid piece of advice because you put into words all I ever tried and failed to say.
     
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  11. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    Yes, this makes sense.
    Thanks for this point.
     
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  12. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Very good question and many valid points from everyone. I have dated some women that I could tell didn't necessarily want ME, they just wanted SOMEBODY. That's what you want to avoid.

    The fact that you are asking this, and the way you are asking it demonstrates to me that your ideals and areas of concern are sound. So if you're asking if your approach is unhealthy, I don't believe so. The reason we all hear so much about having to love yourself before you can love others is because there are truly co-dependent people who do seek relationships to fill voids or to mask problems. For those people the old cliche about loving yourself does need to be learned and applied. Self-sufficiency is not required to be in a relationship.
     
  13. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    I don't quite understand why...
    Can you elaborate?
     
  14. None of us are perfect, therefore waiting until you're perfect is unrealistic. I would say a healthy person is a person who practices detachment even from themselves. I say this because detachment allows us to never look towards people, places, or things to supply us with what they cannot, nor does it allow us to look towards ourselves to be something we are not (all knowing, all doing, etc). Detachment brings into our lives balance in where all things are received properly.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2017
  15. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Part of it has to do with how quickly they wanted to move the relationship along when we met. It didn't add up how soon things would happen - a second or third date "I love you" type of thing. Another part of it was that I didn't perceive a deep or genuine interest in me specifically as a person, but rather I was there to fill a space - so they had someone to take to this party or that event or to meet so and so. It's hard to fully explain it, it's just an awareness I picked up from social context clues. I would sometimes get an impression that I was like a designer handbag to them - to be taken and shown off in specific situations, and unneeded or unnecessary in others.

    Not sure if I'm explaining it right, but that's a rough idea of what I mean.
     
  16. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Yea, okay, the way your explained it makes sense to me now. Good to know some examples because I feel I'd be susceptible to settle for that kind of person.
     
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  17. Makes perfect sense and it's something I've dealt with in my own life. She would say "I love you" but from her actions I could tell it was a love that someone would have for an object not a person. You can love your TV but you're not in-love with it. She loved me as if I was another accessory and that's when I said adios.
     
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  18. Sleeping_Beauty

    Sleeping_Beauty Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, everyone, for your advice and comments. My mind is much more open on this issue, now. I accept that my deepest desire is to be with the right man, while at the same time I no longer feel ashamed for being sad and unfulfilled on my own. Ironically, now that I'm no longer in internal conflict with my greatest desires, I've discovered a sense that becoming happy on my own is, in fact, possible...hopefully even if I don't get to be with a SO in the meantime, I will enjoy life as it is.
     
  19. Frühlingstimme

    Frühlingstimme Fapstronaut

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    The topic seems closed, but I'd like to comment because this question is very interesting to me.

    You all call cliché but most of the geniuses of mankind were loners and I don't think normal human beings should be lonely. I do believe that I must be enough for myself before I can get to be in a relationship. And I might be alone for ever because of this and I'm Ok with this. What I found recently that I was doing this the wrong way, rejecting girls but embracing the porn more and more. "I don't need a girl, I must be enough to myself", but then I go find some porn and this messes my head because if I am enough why do I need porn?
     
  20. Sovereign Soul

    Sovereign Soul Fapstronaut

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    My pleasure. Thanks for the question as it got me thinking about my own issues with self sufficiency. Good luck!
     
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