That is tough. Is there anyone in your family, social network you can trust and talk to? A psychotherapeut maybe? I understand you say you can‘t go on living with this, that‘s why it‘s good you came here to talk. Talk to us. Tell me more about you besides that? You must be someone who has a good heart or you wouldn‘t be suffering so terribly. All these years you carried a burden around, others would just have ignored or forgotten. You haven‘t. That tells me you care. You care about Memo. Try to think of a way how you could find her. Send her a letter. Write a letter now. A letter to her. Start with Dear Memo ... then you write it down, all that you need to let her know. With all your heart, from your soul. Then keep that letter safely with you. And when the time comes you can give that letter to her. What do you think @WeWillNeverFall ? Start writing a letter to her now.
There was a time when I would refer to myself in a similar way and I saw myself as a contaminated walking thing spreading illness and misery, not worthy of being loved, not worthy of being touched. That may not reach you right now cause you seem too self absorbed. So self possessed that Memo even is no longer part of it. U use her again this time for castrating yourself. Stop calling yourself scum and shit. It‘s too dramatic. Write the letter, make it a long letter that takes all night to write.
That escalated quickly, put yourself together and go speak with a psych, you deserve a happy life just like the rest of us but you must apologize to her IMO. Listen to us, you are not a bad person today and you have shown huge regret and true remorse, just believe what were trying to say, most of us hsve felt just like you do for different reasons, including myself, THERE IS a way out!
Hurting yourself only locks in the guilt and does nothing to help the other person, which is ideal if possible. Also, paying for a crime through correct legal channels is NOT bad, it will give you a chance to heal. So, if something comes out, don't try to hide it. Jesus Christ is the hope that all men require, and forgiveness is available to all sinners, even those guilty of heinous crimes. I pray you find this peace.
@WeWillNeverFall , thank you for your story. Admission is part of the path towards healing. You mentioned prayer and karma, so if you have a specific religious advisor, you may want to ask them what your religion teaches in the way of seeking forgiveness and/or repentance. You do sound like you are remorseful for your actions. You sound like you need to work on forgiveness towards yourself. That does not mean that you forget nor pretend what you did was okay. It means that you have reflected on what happened, acknowledged your faults, and make a firm resolution to turn away from such actions.
You should really apologise to her, you did some messed up things when you were young. That is first of all. If you can't find her contact or what she's doing, search for it until you do find it to apologise and put extreme effort in to find it. If you don't find it you don't find it, it was a long time ago so you might not but you should put your all into doing so. Secondly, to me it'd really be giving up in earning her forgiveness if you gave up on yourself in working daily to repent. You should repent at least 100x asking for forgiveness in my opinion. Respect women, be charitable. I don't like that post saying goodbye, that isn't the right way towards forgiveness and ending the guilt. The point of posting that on here is for either of 3 reasons, to feel better of yourself when people say you should forgive yourself, or to feel a retribution for your actions you did a long time ago, (to be chastised) and to make yourself feel worse; or to want advise on what to do. The truth is whatever kind of answer you're looking for something like this isn't going to make the memories disappear or fade. You owe it to her to change your life, not harm yourself. You owe it to her, to stop that kind of shit happening to other girls. You obviously are wealthy if you can afford a maid so work your life to redeem yourself. If you can't find anybody to help, seek them out and help them, this is actions of repentance. This isn't something you can brush off easily but it's not something unforgivable , unlike what you may be feeling, and forgiveness comes from God and from her. That's why you shouldn't run away and give up, stand up and do what's right to stop that happening to other girls. The thing to do in that situation is do what shows you've changed and aren't the same person. How? Work against abuse. Wake up everyday as early as possible making yourself work for abused women like her. Instead of running away, seek your repentance and redeem yourself. Do this even if you find her and she forgives you and do this even if she doesn't forgive you. You owe it to her. Sure you did this whilst you were young, but you did this so own up to it and fix your actions now by doing what's right, whatever it takes. That's my opinion on it.
Worth mentioning is that forgiveness is key in many situations. I have done things that I never thought my GF would forgive me for, but she does. And that makes it all ”okay” and I dont have to feel like I have made her feel bad or such anymore. Really, forgiveness is a HUGE part in recovering from having done something stupid.
After reading your story I won't lie, I think there's a part of you that is a f $#&ing scumbag. The fact you were 13 mitigates it somewhat and at least you are repentant. I think you shouldn't just try to communicate with her via a letter. You should pay her some compensation similar to what she would be awarded if she was to take out a lawsuit against you or your family. I feel conflicted about what to say. I know we have all sinned so to speak and it's not fair to just judge. You are sorry that's good. But my heart just breaks for that poor girl already in a position of socio economic inferiority and then to have to suffer that. Being completely powerless against it. What kind of trauma that would cause. If you have any decency you should find her, heartfeltly apologise and do something financial to make her life easier. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. Sorry is not enough.
its ok buddy , take a deep breath its past now i know it was not good but you were a child and do believe in GOD/high power , he is a great forgiver , he will forgive you and me . You have realized your mistakes , great buddy . things will change you will blossom again . May GOD forgive all of us . ( we all have done many mistakes ) have a nice day exito
Do you still feel these urges or act out on them? If so, you should seek help. There may be a problem sexually and psychologically that is leading you to these urges to invade women. You can't change the past, but you can do everything you can to work on your problems and avoid hurting others in the future.
As long as somebody has the ability to say what they did and apologize for it, I think they should be forgiven, and should be able to forgive themselves. What happened was not great. But we aren't defined by the worst things we've ever done unless we never take responsibility for them. Remorselessness is the only real crime in the long run imo.
