Significance.

It has been 2 years since I have been on this adventure called NoFap. I have achieved long streaks (42 days) and failed multiple times (Binged 5 times in 5 minutes). This journey has taught me so much about life.
There have been days which felt like Heaven, the others like burning, rotting Hell! There were days where I thought my reboot was complete and others where I was back to Zero (sometimes negative).
In this constant battle between the mind, body and myself, there have been multiple, often creative ways of relapsing. (The most recent being Chaturbate. It's not just naked women, it's naked women that can be controlled)

There is epiphany that struck me today, and that is the significance I gave to my relapses. Every single time I reset, I felt rejected, sad, lonely and shameful. The significance was so strong that I would resist every single sexual thought, resisting it so strongly that the thought become omnipresent in my consciousness.

Today I consciously relapsed. I made it a point to open Chaturbate, and masturbate myself to all the naked ladies out there, making sure that I did not resist the urge. (I have been constantly relapsing multiple times over the past month, every single time because of the feeling of shame and guilt)

I have hit rock bottom again and I have realised that the only way now is upwards towards the 90th day. I am unsure if what I did could be termed as a right or a wrong choice, but I am sure of one thing that this compulsion is not going to rule me anymore. Either I take charge of my actions or I suffer the consequences of this malevolent addiction. Atleast I would be responsible for my own life.