Starting again

before I lay into myself and be brutal I have realised I found about Nofap only 2 years ago and on the whole those 2 years have been way better than the previous 15 years.

Yes I have fucked up loads but I've been on great runs.

However, my binges have become excessive and intense. I have become better and better at mentally imploding and exploding.

I'm a cunt. That's my self talk. And I feel it's justified. My behaviour is self fish. I can reframe it all I want but at the moment my negative self talk is justified.

However, I have to draw a line. And accept that the only way forward will be with incremental focus. Yes I have been working very very hard.

Before I can even get to a healthy state of mind of writing lists I need to get my house in order. I need to eat and look after myself. Ok I'll get up and start doing stuff.

 

I needed you to call me out on my bullshit.

I did get up to around 7 months or like 210 days and have massed up big streaks around 100 days several times

However, I'm sick of having to reboot. Like I say to myself. For fuck sake not again not this bull shit.

Although at the moment I agree with you that when I've started and stopped again within a few days it's because I'm not clear what I'm doing.

I'm not STRONG in my focus. However, saying I'm not strong I won't buy because of other things I've done in life. For example training and running marathons. I'm not attacking you. I need someone challenging me. It gets me focused. That is one of the most important messages I have read here if not the most.

How did you get your focus?

 

1. Reach out. You need to talk about. (I wish there was AA meetings for nofap that would really help me).

2. Get busy. Just do something. Get out the house.
3. Accept it's gonna hurt. You're gonna feel the weakness or burn in the body.
4. Clean your room.
5. Go to the gym
6. Do wim hof or breathing exercise.
7. Start writing or planning.
8. Prepare your food for the week.
9. Make sure you're brushing your teeth flossing.
10. Don't do everything at once. Pick a few of these things and build it up over time.
11. Take your headphones with you and listen to audiobooks
12. Join a club. Dance or a sports club.
13. Remove the internet from the house.
14. Cry if you need to.
15. Accept your failings but build yourself up. I have a mental illness but this illness provides me with a energy not many have. I have insight into the world that helps others.
16. Once you can do all these things in a week. You will be in flow!

 

I know I'm being a little child.

But I'm just going to brain dump everything here. I sick of my laziness. All I need to do is get up and just do some stuff but when on holiday I'm so friggin lazy. I did tell myself to take 2 days off from everything but I'm restless now. I want to get going as I need to move house. I need to appreciate the small details added up make massive change and I'm a lucky prick. But my dopamine loving brain wants to do nothing. I don't even want to watch porn. I don't want to look at the internet at all. But I don't want to go out. I'm full of shit. It's a pathetic.

Now don't worry if you are reading this thinking I'm manic. I played sports a lot and enjoy the competitive shouting constructive pull your socks up type stuff.

Life post porn is boring. That dopamine kick is not there. So I need to kick my own ass for a bit. Just till I get in a routine of doing day to day things and feel pride.

I am feeling better even though it's been a day. But from experience I know the first 10 days is tough. Then occasional day or twos in the future. That's the game.