Step back?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by melonka, Nov 24, 2019.

  1. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    My husband is a porn addict. He beats it slow, but steady. Until now. He does m sometimes without p (about once a week) and tries to reduce it.

    Now he was sick. He always told me that m during being sick feels like removing viruses through the nose and that sperm feels than different and he definitely wouldn't want that sperm to get near me. Fair enough, don't have any problems with it. But he said now he m to p. And wasn't really going to say it to me and doesn't want to count it as relapse.
    He is honest and I know he doesn't lie to me asked a question.
    He didn't watch p for months now. He states that normally he watches when he feels stressed, frustrated, etc. I know the triggers but it isn't the case when he is sick, he was just sick and we wouldn't have sex anyway and he wouldn't be useful for anything anywhere and as it's nothing that was caused by triggers and hence no relapse there is no need of telling me, because he doesn't need my support for it. Oh, and that's not cheating. I know I can't convince him overwise, about the last he is constant.

    I'm really puzzled by this behaviour and have no idea how can I deal with it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2019
  2. Weird one for me, as I love sex with my wife - and although we do it most nights, I only carried on PMO cause I have such a high sex drive, so I can't relate to this case.

    My only guess is he's watched too much p0rn, it desensitized to the real thing or has specific tastes that get him off.

    Is it always you that initiates sex or does he even bother?
     
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  3. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    No, he isn't desensitized. It is not that he doesn't gets off, or doesn't have pleasure. It doesn't make him happy, he gets pleasure during but it steals him energy and he is nervous and feel lost few hours after (not direct afterwards). And it oddly wasn't the case as he did pmo regularly. We're working on it, he also makes effort.
    But it is not the problem I wanted to adress. It's that it's not a relapse relapse mindset.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2019
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  4. Suk

    Suk Fapstronaut

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    Well i think he needs to reboot completely, if he finds more pleasure in porn than a real woman then his reboot isn't complete. That's the whole point of no PMO. His brain is still desensitized and softmode is clearly not working out for you guys so try hardmode.
     
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  5. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, easy to say to SO... He refuses and probably isn't capable to do so. The soft reboot takes long and it's not the best thing but it moves forward and it's not like I can change it. Just forget the first part it doesn't really matter.
    Still the question for me is about not a relapse relapse and what can I do about it.
     
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  6. Suk

    Suk Fapstronaut

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    Okay but I'm not getting your question here, could you please explain what you mean by "relapse relapse"?
     
  7. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I've edited now and depicted clearer what the issue is. We've agreed before that watching porn is relapse and should be told and suddenly he makes exception and doesn't feel guilty about it.
     
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  8. Suk

    Suk Fapstronaut

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    Well idk what sexual problems you face, so can't help you with that. As for the part where he's ignoring a relapse you need to talk to him about that and make him understand it's gonna cause more problems. As for the reason why he did it, it's his brain tricking him to think that it's not a relapse if i "certain excuse" and masturbate. The brain wants dopamine and it will get it by any means.
     
    melonka likes this.
  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It’s a relapse. If he pmo and you agreed he would tell you and he didn’t, then he lied as well as cheated. Being sick is very often a trigger for addicts because they “ want to feel better” so they relapse. Do not let his addict convince you that you’re wrong. He’s the addict. You know he relapsed, he just can’t admit it.
     
  10. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    D. E. N. I. A. L.
     
  11. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    That's another excuse to add to the long, creative list of idiotic excuses these porn addicted men work on. And this excuse was just... I don't know. Give him a biology book for Christmas.

    If porn is off limits, then it's off limits. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. I'm glad that he is honest with you, but this is not only a relapse but an insult to your intelligence.
     
  12. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all. He didn't make excuses until now, so actually no excuses for porn for 7-8 months and that is new. I think it made him wonder when I told him, that he rationalize, and at least he admitted, that he promised to tell me every time and didn't keep the word and that's bad and won't happen again. Although in his heart and mind it still wasn't a relapse. But I think my words made him wonder.

    PS I read w bit and spermatozoa loose his waves when you have an Influenza and so sperm is a bit different. He told me that long before all the journey and I don't see why shouldn't I believe it. Also the virus was found in the hoods in the sperm, but not in sperm afterwards. People feel different things.
     
  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    If he wants to masturbate and you both are fine with that, I don't see the problem. His quality of sperm seem to be very important to him, and he is obviously worried how his sperm behaves during periods of illness.

    But to watch porn? Really? I just hate the excuse more than anything.
     
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  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Like others have said, he relapsed and doesn't want to own up to it. He is lying to himself if the thinks that's not what he did. He isn't doing himself any favors and is sabotaging his own recovery by not being honest. Part of recovery is taking responsibility for your actions without excuse, and learning from them to better yourself on the continuing journey.

    He said there were no triggers. It aounds like his definition of triggers are only sexual. But being sick is clearly a trigger and he wanted to feel better. He went right back to his old coping skill of what makes him feel good and did that instead of just allowing the sickness to pass.
     

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