Struggling with old habits, just want to make her and myself happy :/

Saurusbug · May 5, 2021

So here I am, I’ll make this brief and state the most important things, so I’m in a relationship, we’re about 6.5 months into dating.
I stopped jerking off right before the new year of 2020 and told myself that I was going to go however long it took until I was cured of PIED and Performance Anxiety that I finally beat.

My current girlfriend helped me and now knows everything about this, she knows about the forums, how I used to have a foot fetish addiction, how I struggle with porn and masturbation addiction and why it is so hard for me. I never wanted to tell her these things... but I feel like it’s important, regardless of the embarrassment that she should know.

(Flashback 2-3 weekends ago at college)

I got hammered one night and told her I ‘cheated’ which I literally haven’t so idk why I “said” I did. Quote on quote because I still lowkey don’t really believe that I did but she went through my phone after that, found hella bad shit like pictures of bitches asses in my camera roll, old conversations of me talking about having sex with other girls while in a relationship, old nudes from like 2017 I had, pretty much solid proof that I jerked off to her friends. The notes... the notes Is the one that fucks me up a lot cause I know I had some shit in there that kinda weird I ain’t gon cap. I am a weird morherfucker but I stopped with that, I am not even going to elaborate on what was said in those notes.

I decided that after this I needed to make a change if I wanted to have a healthy relationship. I’ve been trying to stop and just need to get on my feet as I know once I do I can easily go another whole year with masturbating if I have to. Idk I guess I just want to put an end to it before it gets out of hand, I just feel bad that I’m doing it, it doesn’t feel right and I know it’s not, I feel like I’m cheating on her and every time she catches me she tells me I am and I know it essentially is. To me it should be at least, with everything I’ve gone through and my journey through NoFap.

Pretty much the only thing I have going for me right now is the fact that I am still blessed to have my penis working again and not be stressed about performance anxiety, and the fact I don’t have a foot fetish anymore which she also now knows about. I just feel like I need a good week where I stay off social media’s, Instagram and Tiktok are both HOT places for me to start getting horny, I mean there’s just so much content and I convince myself it’s okay because my girlfriend cheated on me a year ago or that it’s okay because I have legitimate addictive issues when it comes to my sexual behavior. My brain isn’t structured like other people, things that are suppose to be addicting like nicotine doesn’t really effect me at all but when it’s my “choice of drug” such as masturbating it’s like world war 2 inside of me. I feel like it’s extra hard because I never got that chance to have sex in high school like the majority of people did. I have never had experience with any women other than her so I feel like I just like instinctively have the natural drive to be ‘finding the one’ but since she was my first catch and since I needed someone to help me get through my issues and needed someone to make me happy and fulfill my desire to have someone actually love me and give me attention since I never had that... it makes her really mean a lot to me. Especially adding to the fact she took my virginity, at this point I am basically attached to her. She’s my everything and I can’t see myself with anyone else. I know I need to put a stop to this literally today, like I am deleting any app that may trigger me for a minimum of a week before I can begin to grasp control over my mind, I can’t travel back down the same path. I almost died, convinced myself that suicide was the only option at some points but I held through.

CONCLUSION,
I just want to be able to have a healthy and happy relationship with the girl I truly want to stay with for the rest of my life, I want her to feel like she’s enough because she is and deserves to feel that way. I want to no longer feel the need to seek any temporary high for an even worse comedown / recovery of guilt and remorse. I want her to be my one and only, the one who gets me aroused and is the only time I have any sort of sexual activity.

(LAST SEGMENT PLEASE READ)

So after months of being relapsed I am officially stating after submitting this post that I am back on track! Planning on smashing my 300+ days of NoFap that literally ended up changing my life, I wouldn’t be here today if I had a weak mind. That’s why I am because I’m fucking strong! I can take on any challenge that god has coming my way that is why I made a list of things I am going to do to help me along the way:

1; when coming across something triggering, I will block the content and keep on with whatever I was doing, or I will simply get off my phone for 5-10 minutes to reset my brain
2; I will be deleting tiktok for good, Instagram will be back but I will no longer be seeing any content of women sexually on my platform.
3; I hereby this point on out that I will be honest and upfront in my relationship. I want my girlfriend to know how I am doing and that she can have trust in me and know that I am dedicated to being loyal. Yes that means if I masturbate I will be telling her, this is more to give me greater reason to not do it
4; anytime I come close to relapsing I will do a quick little “workout” or just simply some push-ups to get my mind off of it.
5; I will be more open and understanding of my girlfriends feelings in correlation with my choices and behavior.

Any other ideas are welcome, I am just trying to be a greater version of my great self. Please leave me any feedback, questions, comments, advice, help or anything below! Just because I am creating this post doesn’t mean I can’t help you, I’ve gotten past PIED which is the biggest hurdle on this forum.

Deleted Account · May 6, 2021

Good luck and god bless

p1n1983 · May 6, 2021

You are not happy with your current life. You are needy and are attached to this woman, you still feel that you need someone to fix your shit and that you need another person to be happy. All this is going to attach to people and let them treat you poorly (even cheating on you).
You really need to work on yourself... be alone and get to the point that you are happy with your own life. In that moment you can go and share it with a woman. Happy people attract happy people. If you are unhappy you are probably going to attract unhappy woman to your life that are going to make it even worse.

DefendMyHeart · May 6, 2021

Saurusbug said: ↑

So here I am, I’ll make this brief and state the most important things, so I’m in a relationship, we’re about 6.5 months into dating.
I stopped jerking off right before the new year of 2020 and told myself that I was going to go however long it took until I was cured of PIED and Performance Anxiety that I finally beat.

My current girlfriend helped me and now knows everything about this, she knows about the forums, how I used to have a foot fetish addiction, how I struggle with porn and masturbation addiction and why it is so hard for me. I never wanted to tell her these things... but I feel like it’s important, regardless of the embarrassment that she should know.

(Flashback 2-3 weekends ago at college)

I got hammered one night and told her I ‘cheated’ which I literally haven’t so idk why I “said” I did. Quote on quote because I still lowkey don’t really believe that I did but she went through my phone after that, found hella bad shit like pictures of bitches asses in my camera roll, old conversations of me talking about having sex with other girls while in a relationship, old nudes from like 2017 I had, pretty much solid proof that I jerked off to her friends. The notes... the notes Is the one that fucks me up a lot cause I know I had some shit in there that kinda weird I ain’t gon cap. I am a weird morherfucker but I stopped with that, I am not even going to elaborate on what was said in those notes.

I decided that after this I needed to make a change if I wanted to have a healthy relationship. I’ve been trying to stop and just need to get on my feet as I know once I do I can easily go another whole year with masturbating if I have to. Idk I guess I just want to put an end to it before it gets out of hand, I just feel bad that I’m doing it, it doesn’t feel right and I know it’s not, I feel like I’m cheating on her and every time she catches me she tells me I am and I know it essentially is. To me it should be at least, with everything I’ve gone through and my journey through NoFap.

Pretty much the only thing I have going for me right now is the fact that I am still blessed to have my penis working again and not be stressed about performance anxiety, and the fact I don’t have a foot fetish anymore which she also now knows about. I just feel like I need a good week where I stay off social media’s, Instagram and Tiktok are both HOT places for me to start getting horny, I mean there’s just so much content and I convince myself it’s okay because my girlfriend cheated on me a year ago or that it’s okay because I have legitimate addictive issues when it comes to my sexual behavior. My brain isn’t structured like other people, things that are suppose to be addicting like nicotine doesn’t really effect me at all but when it’s my “choice of drug” such as masturbating it’s like world war 2 inside of me. I feel like it’s extra hard because I never got that chance to have sex in high school like the majority of people did. I have never had experience with any women other than her so I feel like I just like instinctively have the natural drive to be ‘finding the one’ but since she was my first catch and since I needed someone to help me get through my issues and needed someone to make me happy and fulfill my desire to have someone actually love me and give me attention since I never had that... it makes her really mean a lot to me. Especially adding to the fact she took my virginity, at this point I am basically attached to her. She’s my everything and I can’t see myself with anyone else. I know I need to put a stop to this literally today, like I am deleting any app that may trigger me for a minimum of a week before I can begin to grasp control over my mind, I can’t travel back down the same path. I almost died, convinced myself that suicide was the only option at some points but I held through.

CONCLUSION,
I just want to be able to have a healthy and happy relationship with the girl I truly want to stay with for the rest of my life, I want her to feel like she’s enough because she is and deserves to feel that way. I want to no longer feel the need to seek any temporary high for an even worse comedown / recovery of guilt and remorse. I want her to be my one and only, the one who gets me aroused and is the only time I have any sort of sexual activity.

(LAST SEGMENT PLEASE READ)

So after months of being relapsed I am officially stating after submitting this post that I am back on track! Planning on smashing my 300+ days of NoFap that literally ended up changing my life, I wouldn’t be here today if I had a weak mind. That’s why I am because I’m fucking strong! I can take on any challenge that god has coming my way that is why I made a list of things I am going to do to help me along the way:

1; when coming across something triggering, I will block the content and keep on with whatever I was doing, or I will simply get off my phone for 5-10 minutes to reset my brain
2; I will be deleting tiktok for good, Instagram will be back but I will no longer be seeing any content of women sexually on my platform.
3; I hereby this point on out that I will be honest and upfront in my relationship. I want my girlfriend to know how I am doing and that she can have trust in me and know that I am dedicated to being loyal. Yes that means if I masturbate I will be telling her, this is more to give me greater reason to not do it
4; anytime I come close to relapsing I will do a quick little “workout” or just simply some push-ups to get my mind off of it.
5; I will be more open and understanding of my girlfriends feelings in correlation with my choices and behavior.

Any other ideas are welcome, I am just trying to be a greater version of my great self. Please leave me any feedback, questions, comments, advice, help or anything below! Just because I am creating this post doesn’t mean I can’t help you, I’ve gotten past PIED which is the biggest hurdle on this forum.
Click to expand...

I would recommend adding a few more things to your list. You want to increase activity in the PFC as much as possible. This can be done through activities such as reading, meditation, regular exercise routine, nature walks, and puzzles.
I would also consider finding an accountability partner. This will aid you in ways where if youre not sure if something is okay or not okay, they can help guide you.
Therapy. There is generally an underlying cause and addiction is the symptom. Addressing underlying issues will further your progress and put more distance between you and your addiction,
Depending on how well your girlfriend is handling all this, she should consider finding a counselor for herself for betrayal trauma. When she says it is cheating, it is because a lot of us see it as such. Betrayal trauma therapy will help her.

On your list you mention social media and possibly still using it. Since these were triggers, you may consider the option of abstaining from all forms of social media for at least 90 days to help with the rewiring of your brain. Anything that was a former trigger to you will still cause dopamine releases in your brain even if you don't see anything triggering. Some addicts give this up completely.

Best of luck to you!

Trobone · May 6, 2021

Saurusbug said: ↑

but since she was my first catch and since I needed someone to help me get through my issues and needed someone to make me happy and fulfill my desire to have someone actually love me and give me attention since I never had that... it makes her really mean a lot to me. Especially adding to the fact she took my virginity, at this point I am basically attached to her.
Click to expand...

Shit happens. Old stuff comes up. You've learned you should have deleted all that old stuff if you really want to make a change. It's like an alcoholic keeping a bar in his house, but saying he never plans on using it. Or a meth addict keeping the pipe as nostaglia. It's a bad idea.

The quote part above is the part that stood out to me. Don't blame losing your virginity in college for this. It is not her job to make you happy or help you get through your issues. It's nice she's helping, it's a good quality and a mitzvah. But it's not her job. Does she mean a lot to you because you actually like her as a person, or because she was the first to get your dick wet? Do you like her personality, interests, tastes, emotions, etc - or do you just like that she gives you attention?

Those are big issues around self fulfillment and internal happiness - ones I'm confronting as a much older man than you. It's not her job to keep you in line, or make you happy, or make you fulfilled, or any of that.

Porn many times is not about the visuals themselves, it's about the escape and emotions you avoid/gain from them. Removing porn doesn't fix those voids and wants, if anything it magnifies them, which is why therapy is a good thing, it helps you deal with the underlying issues.

Saurusbug · May 7, 2021

p1n1983 said: ↑

You are not happy with your current life. You are needy and are attached to this woman, you still feel that you need someone to fix your shit and that you need another person to be happy. All this is going to attach to people and let them treat you poorly (even cheating on you).
You really need to work on yourself... be alone and get to the point that you are happy with your own life. In that moment you can go and share it with a woman. Happy people attract happy people. If you are unhappy you are probably going to attract unhappy woman to your life that are going to make it even worse.
Click to expand...

I am happy with her

p1n1983 · May 8, 2021

Saurusbug said: ↑

I am happy with her
Click to expand...

Of course.. but you should be happy by yourself and a little happier with her, a woman should be a compliment to your life, never the center. If not, you are codependent. She is the source of your happiness and if she goes away you are going to be totally unhappy and desperate to replace her with another woman. That is a really bad cycle to be in. Also when you are that codependent to another person to be happy you are goint to put up with a lot of crap just to not be alone.

luckydog · May 21, 2021

My feedback @Saurusbug is along with @DefendMyHeart you need others to help you in your addiction. Posting on an anonymous forum is a first step, however what got you into porn and masturbation (isolation, feeling alone, feeling dissatisfied, feeling bored, wanting excitement) will not get you out of it.

I am convinced that outside relatively young people in their teens and twenty's, leaving this addiction behind becomes progressively more difficult. We turn to porn because porn and masturbation are THE ANSWER to the way we feel - whether it is to feel better, to cure our loneliness, to give us something exciting to do when we're bored, to give us endless variety and instant gratification.

And so we need other outlets, other answers, to the problems we face. And this is not anything easy. You cannot count on your SO to be an accountability partner - you need another male who has faced / is facing the same temptations and struggles you have, to aid each other.

Would also recommend highly getting into a group setting like PAA, and potentially therapy as you mentioned thoughts of suicide.

Regarding guarding against relapses, since Instagram was a real problem before you may want to consider ditching it altogether, and give careful thought to the Three Circle model from SAA. You need to define what is inner circle and middle circle behavior, for yourself. I wish you all the best.

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Struggling with old habits, just want to make her and myself happy :/

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