Talking doesn't/won't change me, why should I say anything?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by need4realchg, May 16, 2019.

  1. This is for SO's or guys who already know why counseling is useless, or fails. I am one of those guys. I don't need to broadcast what I'm going to do, or talk about it to deter me from doing it. I'm very action-oriented. I have been told infinite amount of times--go get help, go talk to someone, you need friends, you need more friends, you need male friends, you need better male friends. Yeah, you get the picture.

    It's funny for all those guys out there (like me) who thought: "what the hell is going to be improved by talking about something?" "She does NOT need/want to know what I am planning, thinking, or what I COULD be doing."

    here's what these pro-talking, emotional hussies don't tell you...

    Talking IS the ONLY way to healthily expunge bad stuff in your heart. Doing the fantasy or deed, doesn't expunge it. I have done that over and over, still doing it as a matter of fact, but as the fog clears, my plans seem more senseless and less fruitful.

    Reality check.
    Men who don't talk are still:

    secretly sharing emotions in non-verbal ways. the non-verbal ways are sometimes shaming others, fighting, passive-aggressive, sexually acting out, rebelling, you name it, there's something out there. Men probably don't care, don't see it, don't need to know, but the loved ones, friends, coworkers see it.

    We had this coworker in the office I worked at right out of college. When "melinda" was bitchy, shalonda and I knew it meant she hadn't "gotten any" in a while. Then when she'd come in whistling and humming and dancing to silent music while waiting at the copy machine, we would high-five in silence and have our secret laugh... yeah, "she got her some boot slapping." She was still communicating her issues non-verbally, she just did not plan to

    For those who are religious, despite being quite rebellious at the moment; and I didn't want to talk about my fears because I was afraid either: Satan would hear it and then he can "get me", or talking about them would cement my will to do something with the idea/fantasy. I would tell my wife all the things I wanted to do, ask why do i want to do this/that. And eventually i did whatever i said. At that point talking was not a deterrent because I was more worried about what my wife thought of me than on sharing to be understood.

    This is where women (I think) have a natural advantage. They talk and talk talk and talk and talk.... They cheat less as long as they talk about it.

    It's kinda funny. When we (men) want to get something done, the LAST THING we want to do, or EVER do, is TALK about it. We just get 'er done.

    The ONLY thing I can say about talking HERE that is different, is when you talk with other people that you relate to, you don't automatically discount their opinion because they "don't know who I am", or "they are not an addicit/SO what do they know?". I have been amazed how when you feel that you aren't judged, and listened to, you can really pull back the layers and get your "sh*t off your chest*.

    I know there's more to it that that, but as a guy who has for years mastered the ancient art of ninjitsu-manilness (ninjaspeak for never speak of MAN failures/fantasies, it would only hurt them). I'm starting to see that theres something to it. Journaling is the other thing... wow. I'm amazed at how journaling helps.

    If your SO is on the fence on getting help, please direct him to me. He can read my journal and see I'm not cured by a long shot, but as one of my fav posters says: "progress not perfection."
    jfromcr and 1dayattatime like this.
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I completely disagree. To quit we need to really examine ourselves, and therapy is a useful tool for that.
  3. What are you disagreeing with?
    1dayattatime likes this.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Interesting response. Perhaps I've misunderstood your post (and thus this thread)? I thought you were saying "guys who already know why counselling is useless, or fails. I am one of those guys" and then explaining why.
  5. Yeah I think you commented based on the title then.... I’m not saying that at all. Just the opposite actually.

    Another title might be : “I’m the strong silent type; talking is for wimps.”

    I was raised by the strong silent type. When my brother died at the hands of my mom, my dad didn’t cry. He has told me that story several times. I was raised in a similar vein. (Dad is 80), Ex-Marine. I know how to be tough in other words.

    Talking sounds like and feels like a huge whoopie cushion when you are used to action. Lot of hot air.

    To get past that, you need to look at the nonverbal communication style these men have. They are communicating—- just not by talking. And in that way of communicating you don’t “exorcise the demons.” To quote ace Ventura.
  6. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I did read the whole thing, I guess I just didn't work out what you were saying.

    How would you summarise your point, I'm still not getting it?
  7. Clarifying:

    I wrote this after a SO wrote me that she couldn't get her PA to go to counseling because they thought it wouldn't work. I have been there... who hasn't? This thread is intended to open up the reasons why men resist even going to counseling.

    I suspect we resist talking about our issues to others when we don't see the connection between talking and changing our behavior.

    The bygone era of talk-shows: Dr. Phil, Opera, Maury, Jerry... everyone wanted the person to talk.. but it seemed like talking just got the guest booed or got their face slapped. Right? So why go? Why open up? Why talk?

    I submit this is the same cynicism that often shows up as resistance to attend any counseling session we are requested/required to attend.

    I believe the key to convincing a someone who has decided talking is useless, is to show them how they currently communicate their emotions silently through abrupt actions.

    Contrast the one-way, non-verbal communication of a individual upset with the individual who shares their disagreement verbally. One is hard to intercept while the other provides a platform to engage and potentially disarm.

    I want to share how beneficial it has been for a doubter like me, to be surrounded by like-minded individuals.

    When in a setting of like-minded individuals the doubter can see they are not "alone", isolated, or unique in their quests whatever that is. Together, (without judging) the group can prompt the focus away from a limbic system of action on impulse, to the higher cortical functioning one, based on reason, logic, etc.

    That's what the objective is---to reason, diminish brain fog or limbic system, action from impulse, and see emotions balanced with reason, not independent from them.

    Your thoughts?
    kropo82 likes this.
  8. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I went to counseling and therapy group at first because I was desparate. But I can tell you exactly when that changed for me. The first time my counselor was able to relveal something to me that was the "water I was simming in". In other words, the beliefs/world views that I have had for so long that I couldn't even articulate. I don't even think of them as beliefs, they are facts. THOSE are the things that once revealed elicit the biggest changes I would have never seen them without talking it out. I cannot put a price on the happiness gained after bringing down some of my core beliefs.
  9. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I think talking with a therapist is a waste of time and money. I have only found one that seemed to understand me, but then he seemed to get lazy. If they don't offer any insight or help me in any way understand the why's of what I am feeling then I lose interest. It is not helping me if they don't offer any insight. I can talk to my cat for free!
  10. Wow. I have never considered that angle--but you make an excellent point from the SO perspective... I bet there are others who feel the therapists are a complete waste of time and they actually go as well. I didn't realize that would also affect the supporting partner.

    I have gotten more support and resources from the SO's, PAs, SA's on this free website than I have in 20 years with various paid sources. Makes you wonder!
    fadedfidelity likes this.

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