The Beginning of My Journey

I'm also realizing that I just wrote "I felt shame when I looked at certain Instagram profiles." Is that the same as incomprehensible demoralization? If so, does that mean that I should be more specific about what I put in my inner circle. I do have porn in there but I rarely masterbated to any porn so why shouldn't certain websites be in there?

I think this is why I need to get a sponsor to help me better identify what will go in each circle.

 

I'm still here. Six months later. If the version of me who wrote my original entry could've scrolled to the bottom and seen that six months later, I'm still making updates (and most importantly making progress), he would've been very encouraged. I wasn't sure if I would continue this long.

While I haven't completed every goal I set out to complete (my longest PM-free streak was 67 days), I am continuing to work on myself and most importantly, work the SAA program.

While NoFap was a great resource for me to get started, it's my work through SAA that has had a tremendous impact on me. Since going to meetings, I've built a great network of fellows who I can reach out to to help me progress in my recovery. I've learned how to recognize patterns of thought and how for most of my life I was suppressing my negative feelings and numbing those feelings with porn and acting out.

And through my work with my therapist, I've come to better understand why I choose to act out and what feelings from my childhood and young adulthood that I've been running from.

My journey is not even close to complete but I am grateful for the program and another day of sobriety.

 

I haven't posted an update on here in a while and it seems like I'm only doing so after a slip but that's okay. I'm still journaling regularly in other places but I like that this space has become a history of my journey through recovery.

Throughout 2022, I've sustained pretty solid recovery and I've only slipped three times. The last two bouts of sobriety I've had have each lasted more than three months. And yesterday I slipped again after 93 days. I feel disappointed in myself.

It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what led to this slip. During my last stretch of recovery, I spent a ton of time in the middle circle, often fantasizing and objectifying women at every chance I had. I told myself that it's not technically a slip so it's okay to do. All of that fantasizing caught up to me to the point where I ended up acting out in the shower.

This time was different, I've been regularly attending meetings, working the steps with my sponsor, journaling, meditating, reading recovery literature. I think what was different this time is the impending idea surpassing my previous record for sobriety. I started to feel a pressure that once I got into this new territory, I would have to stay sober forever. I know that's not the case and the point of the program is to take it one day at a time but once I gave that thought some space in my mind, it began to erode the foundation of my recovery.

I was talking honestly about this feeling with fellows and during shares but I think that only gave this thought more life. I remember telling someone that I was thinking that "If I'm gonna act out, I might as well do it now before I get to 103 days." I think in hinesight that I had already made up my mind that I wanted to act out, I was using statements like that as an excuse to do it.

I also recognize how Reddit played a role into my slip. I was on Reddit - mostly as a reaction to my boredom at work - and came across a photo of an attractive woman. In the comments, I found a link to other photos she had posted and looking at those photos felt euphoric. I felt a rush come over me as I knew I was doing something I shouldn't be doing and I was taken back to the days of my addiction. Even writing about this experience is somewhat triggering.

Going forward I will be placing a timer on Facebook and Reddit to only allow myself up to 30 minutes total on those two sites. If I'm bored, I need to do something that's in my outer circle. I have limits on my social media feed on my phone for Instagram and Facebook and they've helped keep me focused on other more productive tasks. I think putting the same guardrails in place on my computer will help me from slipping again. I'm also going to add "endlessly browsing the internet out of boredom or for the purpose of hoping to come across something sexually arousing" to my middle circle.

One of the thoughts I had after acting out is that acting out is disrespectful. It's disrespectful to me and to the people that I've committed to spend time with that day. After acting out I wasn't able to be fully present at my guitar lesson or on my date with my life.

As a result of this thought and a conversation with my sponsor, I am going to write a consequence list for going into my inner circle:

• Inability to be present during conversations
  
• higher level of irritability (e.g. getting frustrated at guitar more easily)
• feelings of shame
• feelings of guilt
• feelings of doubt in the program and the efficacy of the program
• feeling like I don't have any integrity and that I've let fellows in the program down
• feelings of fear that I might not ever be sober again
• higher levels of anxiety
• harder to enjoy things that I typically enjoy while sober
• feeling angry at myself
• feeling disappointed in myself
• feeling ashamed that I let Lisa down and feeling like I'm keeping a secret from her
• feeling like I let my parents down
• hard to feel proud of the progress I've made in the program so far
• desire to act out again which leads me to focusing less on my work and home projects

Consequences for entering my deep inner circle (voyeurism, masterbating in public)

• arrest
• public humiliation
• being recorded as a sex offender
• inability to get a job
• prison time
• having my video of my actions posted on the internet for all to see forever
• ruining of my family's name and integrity
• embarrassment for my family, wife, wife's family
• inability to travel
• loss of a job
• financial issues for me, my wife, my family
• divorce
• shame
• depression deep enough to lead me to suicide

God grant me the strength to want to be sober today.