Day 13 Affirmation/Reminder: I need further healing and I must stick to earlier plan of abstaining from life for the rest of August. I was in no place to deal with any, literally any thing of life when I relapsed. I had a deathly headache and felt like i was inviting death bt those pmo sessions. On a short walk I gave myself ultimatum, either I pull back from everything or it's death. Why am i starting to forget it all? I need that 21 days reboot. Need to reach 21 days at all cost. Reverse affirmation: I'm an average dude, I look average, I have average body, I am pretty average at most things as of today. Based on my worth, I don't deserve much, only basic things.
Day 14 Just because you found some happiness doesn't change anything. If i relapse, I'll be back right where I was, a suffering so severe that it could take my life. I need to move towards life, and do so stubbornly. I'm not in a safe place yet. I need many more healings. Reminder: I'm not ready for anything until I achieve a complete reset of my brain. It isn't achieved until I reach atleast 21 days on this streak. Nothing has changed, I'm exactly where I was, and where I will be if I relapsw.
13 days done Fellowship - ran out of time yesterday so I’m checking in the next morning. PMO forces on my tail is a pretty apt description for how yesterday went. It was the first day that I had some real urges. I didn’t have much trouble making it through, mainly because I was preoccupied with other things. I managed to get out and do some weight lifting which is always a good outlet.
Would you mind explaining the idea behind the Reverse Affirmation? How does it work for you and why isn’t it just self-deprecating?
Don’t give in. Relapsing is part of the journey. You need to identify and lock down your triggers. Do the right thing friend - don’t give up.
Day 8. Still attached to the phone and with a subtle depression, very probably they're related. St. John, pray for us!
I struggle with narcissism. My behaviours tend to be quite self serving too. Honestly, these days I'd rather deal with lack of confidence than over confidence. I have also been in some cut throat work environment where cunningness was rewarded. I used to get high of outcompeting my colleagues whom I considered beneath me (Just thinking about this is giving me boners). I didn't have friends then, only haters. Also, especially if you loose touch with your empathetic side your actions can become very manipulative, hurtful and some cases dangerous. Sometimes this weird thing happens with me. something kind of turns off or something within me, and I loose all fear. I'm looking down at pretty much everybody then.
I encourage you to keep writing. I find it pretty useful to read through at least something than nothing.
You shouldn’t feel that you need to write long posts if you don’t want to. Sometimes it just helps coming here, posting what day you’re on, seeing where you are on the Lord of the Rings journey. It’s just a relaxed way to add a little bit of accountability to your streak. It can be good to post how you’re feeling with a long entry, but sometimes it can be good just to check in with what day you’re on; maybe reply to a couple of other people’s posts - and that’s all. Just being present with the Fellowship. Don’t start associating posting here with negative feelings. Just do what you feel like. There are plenty of more important things you should expend energy forcing yourself to do (E.g. working out, eating well, avoiding PMO). I don’t think missing a few days here and there journaling will make much difference. Good luck and stay positive! I enjoy reading your posts
