The most difficult addiction

I've gotten other unhealthy behaviors under control, however this one keeps coming back.
I think it's these things that may be contributing to it:

I'm not fully admitting how bad this is for me. I went through similar things trying to quit alcohol and cigarettes. I feel like my mind, influenced by addiction, will downplay the dangers of the substances and behaviors I indulge in. I honestly thought I was ok with how much I used to drink, and that I just liked to party more than others. I honestly had times when I thought to myself "Well, I do enjoy my cigarettes." They were just lies I was telling myself. I think I'm telling myself lies about PMO, things like "At least I'm just here by myself and not hurting anyone else" or "Things are too stressful to try and quit now". I feel that a more honest self-talk about these things will benefit me. For decades I believed that my PMO and sex addiction were ok and I was just "open minded" about things. I now feel that it's ok to have frequent sex with one partner in a committed relationship, however the key is to be ok with NOT being able to have sex for whatever reason, especially if my partner doesn't feel like it.

A bit related to the above, I very much put past experiences in a positive light. While the overall situation was not actually good, and I was dating women that I knew I wasn't happy with nor could sustain a healthy relationship with, I have very fond memories of sexual experiences with them. I feel like I'd do better to re-frame those experiences as poor judgment. My decisions were short-sighted, selfish, and unhealthy.

I still have tendencies where I gauge my self-worth on validation from others, especially women. If I'm intimate with a woman, I feel like it's a great accomplishment, which I feel is an unhealthy way of looking at things. I would also get upset and feel rejected and take it personally if my girlfriend did not want to have sex, or couldn't come over for whatever reason. I want all the non-sexual things that make a good relationship, the connection, the shared experiences, the working through difficulties and disagreements. I want sex to be a good part of a healthy relationship.

Along with those triggers, I also haven't been in a good place emotionally and mentally for most of my life, which I believe hindered my ability to form good relationships with emotionally healthy people, both friends and girlfriends. I've made progress, however I still catch myself slipping back into old behaviors. I did see a video once about forgiving myself if I slip, which I believe is a good thing however I have difficulty putting it into practice at times.

I'm going to visit these forums more often and get myself pointed in a better direction. Thanks for listening.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate your support.