The Tartarian Journal - 5x5 Workout, Dieting, Cardio, Spiritual & Philosophical Journey

That's a strong bench. You can build up to a good deadlift

 

No matter how much I feel that I know progress and journeys are not linear, there is a certain dissatisfaction and feeling of loss when I do slip up. Both in terms of NoFap, wherein I've struggled to maintain sobriety and slip up in moments of weakness. Every day I get stronger - I know that. The process is hard.

But also in terms of strength gains in the gym, I struggle to up my bench. I know I have not posted my progress the last few weeks - I've kept it up and haven't missed a day, even when I felt like it last week. Strength is hard, its taxing on the body. I get that, but I can't shake the feeling of weakness when I don't push the weights I want to.

I'm in a hole mentally, a deep and dark hole. It's lonely in here, but I need to conquer the cave myself. There are thousands of different tunnels but I don't know the one that brings me to the light, I am so very tired and don't know if I'll make it out. Every day is a struggle, every gym session is a struggle, my mind is clouded and I can barely focus. I feel I have fallen so far, yet I don't know how much further I can fall. My struggle is crawling back up without slipping. I want to make it out a better man than I am today. Will my current hardship forge me anew?

This is a bit more of a memoir post - an introspection into my mind today and the last few months.