Think I've replaced fapping with online media

I've been spending increasing amounts of time in some mental void, cycling through websites that give me notifications - mostly this website actually, as well as my university site, which will give notifications when there's an announcement or a discussion post in the courses I'm following. They are super dull and not even always relevant, yet somehow I've managed to teach my brain to constantly look for updates on these sites. I think it started when I was expecting my grades to be released from my last exams (on a completely different site) - I would refresh that page between 5 and 25 times a day until my grades were released.

In any case it feels like I have this void in my head and I'd rather try and fill it with this kind of behavior than work on my studies. Just 2 weeks ago I was hammering through curriculum, now I'm faltering :c

 

Was you relapse due to feeling void? Are you talking about 3 days ago?

You are very positive about the situation, I love it! Do you really think that some people experience clarity daily? You put it in a positive light - is that because you think of clarity as being complacent?

I think this void is a result of deprivation. I can't be sure it's without exception, but my memory tells me that every time I encounter it, some sort of relapse is bound to occur - PMO, regressing my diet, neglecting exercise, start smoking again, etc. A lot of negative behavior that was previously filling the void. With the ability to recognize this state also comes the ability to shape your mind - if you can muster the willpower. You are flattering me saying that it is a special quality, but I don't want to be consumed by arrogance - I don't even know how rare it is to be able to self-reflect. I do agree that it is a quality a leader must possess though.

The question that is bothering me deep down is 'why?'. Why should I work for these things? Why not descent into my old, habitual self, which knows pleasures, albeit simple ones. Well - there is an intellectual answer for sure: to reduce your pain by seeing more people, having a healthy body, sharing your knowledge, making something of yourself so you can see yourself in the mirror. EASY to understand. What is hard is making your body follow along. The void is a resistance to this change. When your body has no perception of time, indeed willpower is your instrument in shaping yourself.

 

Being compared to a dog does not feel very nice :c even if it is an example used to seperate our qualities from other animals, it is still a part of us. Should that side really be rejected? I'm not so sure I'm willing to let go of it.

You sure have a noble vision, and I completely agree with you - you have potential waiting to be released, and every instance you can choose it instantiate it in the best way possible. Why overlook it? I doubt anyone not a nihilist will disagree, however to make the optimal choice in every situation with regards to every outcome is impossible; rest is inevitable.

The inevitable encounters with the void may be defining moments in improving your resilience. I'm speculating, but maybe, if you find resolve in the face of it, you may transcend it with such awesomeness that that encounter may never meet you again.

I get what you meant about self-reflection now. I feel ashamed - I truly had taken on an arrogant view. And yes, us being leaders is amazing, there is nothing like the power to organize the world in our minds and manifest it by reshaping the chaos around us.

 

Thank you for your reply. I like those questions. I don't know if you are interested, in any case I'll write out the answers here. But first let me ask: how do you perceive that change you have gone through? Have you achieved a new default state of mind when approaching life, or are you in danger of slipping up if your are not careful? Do you feel that it is truly permanent? I have deceived myself before. I have had insanely productive periods, but I have also made mistakes each time leading to my downfall.

What gives me energy? This is actually a very difficult question. I believe it is very situational, and I just haven't nailed down all the factors in that puzzle. The most potent factor I have experienced is women I think. The things I'd do to impress the girl I love... It's a whole new level of drive inside me. But it is also an incredibly volatile source, and I have had several bad experiences relying on it. What else - getting intrigued by something will wake me up. But this one is out of my control, I can't choose when that happens very well. I'm really do not have a reliable method here that will take me out of the rut I find myself in.

What brings me joy? My first thought is intellectual stimulus like solving hard math problems. It feels amazing. But really, connecting with other human beings is probably the ultimate joy actually, simply because nothing else really seems to matter when I find myself in such a situation.

When do I feel alive? I share your experience here. Rising up to the occasion, facing the challenges head on, taking the choice you know is right, no matter the consequence. Insanely empowering feeling. Nofap is a huge driver in realizing yourself.

 

Thank you my friend, it's a very generous offer. I had to think a while about it, but my answer is no thank you. I wish to discover a better life, but I want to do it on my own terms.