This Is My Journey

Hi All,

I begin my journey of cleansing my addiction towards porn and its counterpart, masterbation. I arrive here after countless failed attempts to go without porn. I always bump into the imaginary wall, which leads me back, and thus repeating this endless cycle, in my life. Each attempt, I convince myself, 'this time I can do it', that, 'its not a problem', and even leads to convincing my own mind, to 'just look at one more video', as the last was not 'good enough' to finish on.. and 'the next attempt will be more pure' as my faield excuses.

I never believed I had a problem. I also thought I could stop it, if I really wanted to. but it really is an addiction. my personality means I often psychoanalyse myself. I realised I must have some sort of addictive personality trait, as I always latch onto whatever gives me the most fulfilling rush of dopamine, and porn has always delivered. I never got hooked onto drugs or alcohol, I was a big time xbox player, that countered the porn addiction, but I honestly believe porn has been this addiction which help has never seemed avaliable to me, or openly discussed, until I found this site.

Context to my life may answer why this is the case. As I was diagnosed with serve depression at the end of last year, something I have known to have and to be the case for my entirety at university. I attended therapy for the last 5 months, for a number of reasons. Mainly for anxiety and elements of body dysmorphia, that has taken away what I was hoping would be the greatest three years of my life at university. Porn did take a backseat at university as I found I could pay for escorts, this then became my new addiction, shared by porn viewing, it was something I could not break away from. Always thinking of my next hit so to speak. I mentioned the escorting and porn to my therapist, in the hope he would see the addict I had become, I was crying out for help, wondering if he would put me on some sort of magical program or pills to stop it all. unfortunately for me, he saw no problem with the escorts or the porn.

I once confessed to my mother, the hold porn had on me, I was around 18, I knew I couldn't control it then. She didn't understand, and how could she.

Its strange, to contemplate that I have basically watched porn everyday of my life since 12 and onwards, is truly mind-blowing. I have had periods in my life where I believe I have rode a balance of enjoying my life and consuming porn. however, on retrospect, I was probably unaware of the hold it had on me back then too.

So for me, today I hope marks the start of a journey I have conned myself hundreds of times over before, they were the false starts. I had never put down in words, so this for me symbolises a true action of intent. I will log each day, a dairy to keep. I hope this works. Having reached this point in wiring, my mind is telling me otherwise. Thats the addiction side of my brain attempting to undermine this, and I wont let it win.

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Friday 13, I mean the date surly reflects the tone of this post i'm about to make... I failed, and it was embarrassingly quick... I thought I could be honest with myself, and not even 30 minutes after my original post, I failed. I just didnt have the bottle to admit to such a lost effort, as if the entire self reflection of my struggle was merely just worthless, and meaningless. so I kept the streak going. It felt and still feels like nothing I do holds any weight anymore. Like I have given up caring about consequences, when in reality, that all I have ever wanted, was to get a hold of my addiction. I gave in then, and I have given In countless times over the past week too.. I haven't thought about returning to this place, I am not sure if Its because I feel like im shouting into an echo chamber, for which I am talking to myself. I thought that would be enough, knowing at least its reaching me to the fullest clarity as I write my train of thoughts down. But, it hasn't.

I will start again. I have to, for this is getting worse it seems. The time spent viewing porn and masturbating has seemed to become worse than it was before, more times in a day than normally so. I believe this to be down to my addiction trying to feed me a greater hit, so It knows I wont want to stop it.

I spent money on a Cam site, burning my money made from work, knowing that once I have less money, the chances of me being able to go to the gym, like I planned, would be harder. getting the suit to my graduation, would be harder. going out with my friends, would be harder. with the intent of making me more sad, and requiring a dose of that endorphins, it knows it can give me for that split second of happiness I cant seem to replace.

I will install and this time not switch off for any reason, my website blocker for porn sites, while also looking for something similar for my phone.

I have to much to look forward to in life for this to be my cause of unhappiness. I have finished uni with a 2:1 degree, I have a whole career to achieve, and I want that so bad.

So, again this is my start to cancelling out porn from my life, and this time I KNOW I will stick to this.

 

DAY 1;

So, my first day began with the daily routine I have at my workplace, at a cafe, for the working day ahead. I was always occupied and busy, in my mind too. I have not had strong feelings of searching for porn. although, once home,I have had moments that I know could and would lead down to eventually watching porn, these being triggers, However I have kept my mind busy with other productive and enjoyable content, such as youtube and xbox. So far so good!