Wife doesn't know I am on NoFap. Doesn't know I was still looking at porn heavily. She though I gave it up many years ago when it almost caused a divorce. I am trying this time...with great effort. But only with the help here. Over a week now with no PMO or MO--my longest streak ever for both. Now, the wife promised me an oral treat as a reward for helping with some things. My worry is that there will be such volume, she will know something is up. I am not going to PMO, but debating MO before. Thoughts?
I would not MO. My view is that it's best to come clean with your wife. It will likely be a difficult conversation, and it seems that she really loves you.
Admit your problem to your wife. I did the same last night mate, my full story from 8 years to present 33 years old, a lifetime of porn and masturbating. The embarassment I felt was nothing compared to the shame of lying to her and making her sad. She had no idea of my addiction, none of it. Now its out there, she is supportive and trying to understand. I dont know your story mate, but you are an ADDICT. Admit it to your wife then with total and complete honesty to yourself, no dirty secrets only admitted problems. You will see the 'addict' becomes a reason to change, not the reason you continue.
I don't get it -- you are worried that if she gives you oral she will be able to tell that you haven't had an O in awhile bec of your large load -- ok, I get that part, ha, but I don't get why you think that would be an issue with her. You said "she will know something is up" -- my question is, why would she have a problem if she thought you weren't MBing regularly?! That seems odd to me. She was really upset before, you said, when she found out that you had a porn problem. But now she also expects you to still MB regularly, just w/out P? I don't get it... Why would your abstaining from MB be a problem? Seems like it would be more of a problem if she have you a great time and only a dribble came out, ha. She would be more likely to think then that you are doing PMO again, or (worst case scenario) seeing another woman, which WOULD be a problem. A large load simply means you are saving it up for time spent with her -- what woman would have a problem with that? You are trying to strengthen your marriage, not tear it down.
Well...boy that's a good question. Thanks for posting by the way, reading posts and replying are part of my recovery. I would never advise a PMO addict, such as myself, to lie to their wife. On the other hand, though my wife knows about my problem, I don't share the daily struggle with her. It would not help me, personally, fix the problem. Telling my wife, for instance, I really want to PMO, but am not going to, is not seen as something to be rewarded by my wife. What she would hear is "I really want to PMO," and not "I am not going to PMO." To answer your question about watching P or MOing or PMOing, well, that is a cycle that if you are seriously trying to stop, you have to break. For me I began by breaking the P from the MO. I still, in the beginning, compulsively watched P, and I still MOed, but by breaking the P from the MO I eventually quit MOing for long periods of time. That in turn has allowed me or coincided in stopping watching P. I also recommend using tools, such as porn blockers, which will not stop you from watching P, but will slow you down and give you a second to be reminded that you are trying to quit. I think its great you have gone a week. When I started this process 18 months ago I may have not gone a week between for months. I also think it is great you can have normal sex with your wife. When I began this process I could have sex with my wife, an often did, but could not O with her. That was not a big deal for me; I did not miss what I could get on my own. But, it bothered her, which is why I began this journey. Now, 18 months later, I have sex with my wife twice a week, at least, and O 95% of the time. Bottom line, if you are trying to stop PMOing, you have to stop it, so try and stop. I found that though I had a lot of failures getting here (and could have more in the future) the failures got further and farther in between when I got very serious about it. Only you can know if you have gotten serious about it yet, but if you have, don't even bother telling yourself you can stop without the help of sites like this. Thank you for posting. Part of my recovery is reading posts like yours, thinking about it, and replying. While I am reading and posting here I am not surfing porn. Good luck
Absolutely, what BullseyeChris said. A large volume is as much a treat for her as the oral is a treat for you. It shows in a very real way how attractive you find her. I think honesty is usually the best policy but if it's going to polish off your marriage then what's the point? I relapsed yesterday after nearly 4 days of no PMO and honestly I reckon I could have iced a cake with it The choice is yours entirely but I honestly don't see how having a voluminous load could ever be a bad thing, as has been pointed out you're saving it all up for her. That's a good thing.
