too much loneliness

I'm sorry you're feeling sadness and jealousy, it sounds unhappy, I know those feelings are not ones I like when I'm experiencing them.

 

R u living alone or with someone? Better if u can interact with them more often, so you wouldn't spend time alone with ur phone. If u live alone, there's a lot of things to do, read books, practice mindfulness, play sports, exercise, no need to go outside if u think if there's too many triggers out there. Find smt that u can fully concentrate on. At first, it might be hard since ur experiencing intense chaser effects, but it gets easier and easier once u settle the habit, takes only a week, then form a new habit next week if u want one.

 

I know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes I wish I can go back to high school where you have a lot of friends around. I am 34 and I feel alone some days as all of my friends are married and I rarely get to see them. I try as hard as possible to keep my self occupied with work and gym but some days are just so depressing when you have no one to talk to.

 

Yep so you are in a good spot kid. It can always be worse. Im sure it can be worse for me as well. Have to look on the bright side of things i suppose

 

Life can be brutal my friend. I wish you strength and peace.

I also wish I knew the answer to your question.

I'm not sure what you need, but what worked for me was writing my goals (pen to paper) and pursuing them. Doesn't matter what the goal is or how long it takes to accomplish them. I just think about what I want to do then take steps toward doing it.

Is there anybody you can talk to about the abuse from your father?

 

Have you tried focusing on the present, the exact details of the reality around you?

 

The reason I mention it is it can be infinitely "distracting" and it's part if how I am kept from having to masturbate or have deviant sex.
I could be your friend and I can tell you about my pm+ addiction and how I haven't had to use any form of pm+ for years. But it doesn't involve not feeling sadness or not "feeling like masturbating" that's not how it's working for me.

 

You should make a list of problems that you have,things you want to have/change.Then focus on solving those problems from easier to hardest.Also people are going to abuse you as long as you allow them.

 

So Windyy, I promised I would tell you my story, the basics of what active addiction was like for me. Pm+ caused me a lot of trouble and could have caused me a lot more. I used pm+ at and near work, at and near religious centers, at every house or apartment I lived in, and I hated it. I also hated myself and I thought those were the same thing, that I hated myself for using pm+. They were inter related but having myself came first and was the bigger picture. At first, and I didn't do this on purpose, pm+ seemed to help, it felt like relief. Sometimes it felt quite pleasurable but it always felt shameful. One thing I remember from about ten years into active addiction was it gave me five seconds of relief from the constant self hate in my head. I figured if I could just do something sexual every fine seconds I would be fine. That wasn't going to happen, so instead I chased more better different bigger. Intensity and extremity was a substitute for the frequency I "needed" and that took years to develop, for the first few years I acted out in very mild ways just soft core porn and masturbation. But each year things got noticeably worse. I started trying things to stop, none of them did more than a drop in the ocean. I felt despair, it seemed like my best bet given that I would always use pm+ would be to keep the actions in check. I sort of did, I would have months or even a whole year when I didn't start any new behaviors but I was never off pm+ for more than 28 days. I was resigned to my fate sometimes and other times I would fight the addiction. And things got worse for years until I was scared for my life from the thoughts I was having that I was sure I would start acting on. I smetimes before that had felt suicidal about my pm+ use, I didn't know they were connected but every time I thought about killing myself I had just used pm+ in some form. Maybe it had to get bad then worse then worse in order for it to get better. I didn't realize that addiction is a disease, hell I had no idea I was an addict I just thought I was bad. So bad I deserved to die. Now I think it's a disease, that I'm not a bad person trying to get good but a sick person trying to get well.

 

Oh I just saw your post, I'm sorry that happened to your friend. I'm sure she was a good person. That is very sad, but it occurs to me to say that it doesn't mean you're bad in fact it has nothing to do with you, does that seem true to you?