Trying still to kill any disgusting want for sex.

Honestly to me Im so glad I don't have a drive to have sex with others because that's one burden I don't have to be bothered with. I already have the urges issue to deal with now and than. Personally I am not lonely nor depressed about having no need to have sex. Im not upset infact Im fortunate to not have such a burden of oh got to have sex all the time or what others think. Now as to finding it gross, ya it looks gross, looks dumb and personally to me a weird exercise routine or something. While others have sex, Id rather play ps4 or something.

 

I honestly was never here because of an addiction, I did it for other reasons to be around people trying to learn to ignore urges. It was not about addiction of porn at all nor masturbation. I just find urges gross as sex gross if it were me. Truth is that some of these people don't realize is the urges and than giving into them has caused me to feel suicidal before which is why Im so glad I dont have any want to have sex but the urges like masturbate urges suck. It's hard to explain to some people.

 

Exactly. It's repulsive and I don't know about others but Im not like adoring it and oh look at it all came out. It's basically there is an urge and it wont go away, you scratch it like a bug bite that wont go away, do it to get the chore out of the way, clean up and feel like that was disgusting. Honestly urges feel to me like my body trying to rape me or something to do something I find disgusting and that is not me. As for sex, I can't understand what it's like to want sex with others because it's not something I ever wanted. I am attracted to females, just never had a physical or mental need or want to have sex.

 

It was never like that because even at say 14, sex with others was not something I cared about. Did it seem odd to me, no. I never realized I was different at all. I still dont care about it.

 

I can honestly say it's not just this but Ive never fully felt right along gender lines to. Like there are parts of me Im dysphoric about. The urges part Im most dysphoric about but in an asexual way. I did think I was transgender at one time but not sure these days. I def have things about me similar to transgender people like I'm totally dysphoric about my facial hair and most of my body hair and I dont ever feel completely one way or the other.

I was the sort of kid that would like at 11, would play with dresses and would find me reading these girly type books as a kid. These were def not things I imagine other guys doing at 11 or 10. I even knew at 6 or so what a girl was vs boy. Not like genital wise but I knew about gender like to some ways.

 

To word it simple enough for others to understand, aging helps with some asexual people because older you get the more the urges go away naturally. Like at 17 or 22 for example, urges would sadly come to me everyday or every other day now in my mid 30's, it comes to me maybe every 2 weeks or so. Now in the future, it will get less and less till Ive read in many cases, one loses all urges. That will be peace for me completely. Im still looking into ways to destroy it forever and did keep in mind naltrexone as an idea.