The Discovery. My boyfriend has a Porn Addiction. My sweet, caring and thoughtful boyfriend, who just a month or two ago I could see myself spending the rest of my life with has an addiction to pornography. My sweet, caring and thoughtful boyfriend who I was about to put a deposit down on a house with has a porn addiction. The same person who I have been best friends with since we were 12 has a porn addiction. Even thinking about it, typing it or saying it out makes me want to vomit. How could I not know that my boyfriend of three years has such a serious porn addiction that he can barely clear 48 hours without some form of pornography? And that's on a good day. I suppose looking back there are always signs, you never just have one D-day, do you? At the time you first discover the links to P, folders filed with photos of P-subs or start to question the strange things he's asking you to do, the first thing on your mind is never a PA is it? There were always signs, particularly in the bedroom. Inability to perform, which has now been attributed to PIED, DE, never feeling truly 'connected' during sex, always wanting to try strange fetishes and unable to perform if those fetishes weren't met, death grip .. etc ... etc. For me it took 5 d-days to not only finally break through to him but also to myself what he was like. The first few times he did the usual, apologised and said it didn't mean anything and that it would never happen again. Like a fool I believed him and like any PA he capitalised on that and continued to play me like a fool. My self esteem took the hit and I tailspinned further and further down a dark hole. Every time I closed my eyes the images I had found on the iPad burned into the back of my eyelids. Why wasn't I enough? Was I not skinny enough? Were my boobs not big enough like what he preferred on P? I cried myself to sleep most nights because when we tried to have sex, he couldn't perform. When he did it was only because I said things to go along with whatever fantasies he was into at that moment. I felt so dirty and used during those moments, desperate for it to be over but at times we were still there 40 minutes later. Most of the time he would have to finish through M. He knew how uncomfortable it made me, I told him so but nothing changed. I begged him to go to the doctors, not realising at the time that his ED was due to PMO. Each time I caught him or in an argument he said he would. Of course he never did. In the morning it was like it never happened, the man I loved returned, for a brief while anyway. Which is why I stayed with him. The final time was the worst just a few days ago. I had found p-subs on the iPad the week prior and we had a huge argument, where again he had swore he would change. Fast forward a week and I was on his iPad, admittedly snooping, but he had sent photos to himself. Again, we argued but this time I lost it. He had said that he had purposely sent those photos to himself to try and catch me snooping. ME? He was the one in the wrong but suddenly he was trying to set a trap for me! As you can imagine, it was the final straw. I packed bags, I ripped up pictures and memories, valentines, Christmas and birthday cards I had gotten him over the years and threw them at him. DVDs we had burned of videos from holidays I snapped and launched at him. Looking back now, I don't even remember much of it, I can only remember the pain. The pain was so intense I felt like I couldn't breathe and at that point I wasn't even sure I wanted to anymore. How could someone who claimed to love me put me through so much pain? How could he watch me cry myself to sleep every night, thinking it was me and not come forward and admit it? I think he hit rock bottom at that moment. He begged for forgiveness, admitting he had a problem. He begged me to help him and told me about how dirty and ashamed he felt and has felt for years, how he wanted to change for him and me. The truth came out and it hurt. He has been watching P since he was around 10, and admitted he was addicted since around 14/15. He knew all along he had PIED but didn't know what to say. He has had trouble in every relationship he had been in. We are 23, I have been his friend since we were around 12/13, how did I not know this? Don't get me wrong, back when we were still in school together I knew he watched P, but I didn't truly understand how damaging it was. I thought it was just a teenage thing that every boy seemed to go through. How wrong I was. I knew he watched P in his last relationship but he had promised me he had stopped when we got together. He didn't and has been engaging in PMO at least 3 times per week, P a lot more than that for three years. This time I am a little more hopeful. He has been to a doctor for help, I went with him. He has signed up to this website and will begin to journal. He has installed ever accountable on his devices and has made me his accountability partner. He has agreed to a reboot, we are trying 30 days 'hard mode' before attempting to no PM option. He has suggested couples therapy for both of us to heal. He is communicating with me, each night before bed we talk about that day and how we are feeling. He tells me if he has had any urges and how he has overcome them, what triggered them and what he can do in the future to avoid them. I tell him how I am feeling, how I am coping or how I'm not. I do feel we're connecting but I don't know how to trust. My anxiety and self-loathing shoots through the roof when we're apart. I can't look over his shoulder forever, I know that nor do I want to. I feel awful for continuously checking up on him as it is. It is now day 4 since the latest D-Day and although things are looking up, I know there will be slip ups. It's the lying that bothers me the most. Am I not worth telling the truth to? The worst thing is, I can't even hate him because I know it's the addiction. I have studied psychology for five years to post graduate level and now teach the subject. I also have experience of family members who have experienced addiction. I know it's an illness, a cruel and terrible illness that the PA cannot help, but it doesn't make it any easier. However, one things for sure, he's no longer my sweet, caring and thoughtful boyfriend, I don't even recognise him anymore. I don't even recognise myself. I'm trying to be strong for him to overcome this addiction and I hope this journal can help me in the process. I feel as though I'm drowning, but I don't want to be saved. If I'm being strong for him, who's being strong for me?