Trying to get out of hell but I like the warmth

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Way2bude, Nov 16, 2019.

  1. Way2bude

    Way2bude New Fapstronaut

    sorry if this is in the wrong place. Where do I start, I have been a porn addict for about 5 years now, started as a symptom of my depression and excessive porn use, it can either along a with anxiety and other problems too. It started with incest porn (I don’t have a family) and later developed into sissy’s porn about 3 years ago (I’m a virgin.. surprise). Then about two years ago i was at my lowest, suicidal and self destructive. I realised then that I enjoy pain so I cut myself often and eventually burnt myself. Some time goes by and I get sick of my shit. I start to exercise, eat better and generally just be happier. I woulda say at Thisbe point I hadn’t near enough destroyed my depression, then I had to take some medicine which caused intense mood swings, I fell back down again. I called it the rabbit hole.. I started listening to sissy hypno seriously and trying to turn myself into a girl not because I Am gay or trans but because I was acting on my impulse of self destruction. I joined harems in which people would control my days, id listen to anything they wanted, do a lot of what they wanted. I Brought clothes and stole my sisters clothes, I Felt like a girl. truthfully it felt amazing.. but I know it’s terrible. I went as far as to meet a man from Grindr, it wasn’t a good experience although I can’t say him gripping my ass didn’t feel nice. It hasn’t left me confused, there was a point when I was going gym regularly and meditating etc but I can’t remember why I have to keep it up. I’ve been trying to go cold turkey and yet everyday for the be last week I’ve masturbated either to men or sissies. I’m pretty sure I have HOCD . Help please lol

    I forgot to add last night I had a really weird dream of me basically feminizing myself, it felt real and it turns me on. I hate it
  2. fedmom

    fedmom Temporarily Suspended

    I've got a thread for this fetish that might help.
  3. w95chris

    w95chris Fapstronaut

    Well you are addicted that bad and you can't tell what's real or not. You think that you like these things but you actually do not. You just keep feeding that "need" and it grows stronger and stronger.
    Your brain is just projecting everything you have seen and implements it as your likes but you must try harder to keep out of PMO. There is no "I tried" you either do it or not, The end.
    Keep yourself occupied all the time, work out and adopt a healthy lifestyle. Whatever your brain is telling you to do as far as porn goes, do not do it. If you keep yourself from PMO long enough then your brain will slowly start to rewire and to work properly. Do whatever it takes to succeed if you want to escape. Small steps daily and you will see
  4. I think you need to put serious effort and thought in to creating a stable view of your sexuality first, then make that your standard and keep to it.
    Your sexuality is not defined by what you may do in a spur of the moment, your sexuality is what you see as enjoyably and appropriate all the time not just during times when you are aroused or drunk.
    Being aroused sexually loosens executive control, and makes you suggestible, hypnotically suggestible. This means your experiences during strong arousal can produce change in your personality.
    You will feel much more open to new sexual experiences, maybe even those that you did not consider appropriate when you are strongly aroused. You may even want them in the moment but regret even wanting them after the fact.
    Sexual arousal is an altered state of mind with impaired decision making, and it should be treated as such.
    What you do during intense arousal/ sex or what you take part in doing is not necessarily representative of your sexuality.
    We make this distinction for drunk people, if someone is drunk and says silly or "bad" things, - we know hi/her judgement is impaired and we do not assume that this is what individual actually thinks or believes.

    For this reason sexuality is called "sensual" and people engaged in sex are often described as "vulnerable" and "open", because they enter special state of trance and they better do it in a safe place with someone they can trust, or they risk developing emotional problems.
    So your view of your sexuality is something that is with you when you are not engaged in sex or related activities.
    When you are not aroused, think about your sexuality and find things that you enjoy and things you do not enjoy or regret later. Look from the current moment or being rational and objective.
    After some work on this you will find core beliefs that will defile your sexuality, activities you always agree are enjoyable and also list of things you do not see as good.
    This then allows you to structure your behaviors to be inline with your sense of personal sexuality and when decisions need to be made even in the moment of passion - you have solid framework to decide if you want to participate.
    Sexuality is something you have to seriously explore it is jot just something that manifests itself and you have no control over. If you just let it unfold, you will be taken to places you may not want to go by others.
    You just never exercised control over it or given it much thought.
    marr708 likes this.
  5. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

    hi Way2bude

    You seem like a straight forward case: Your life's a mess and you chase the dopamine (warmth) that sexual deviation gives you, because ultimately you want to feel good in your life and escape the suffering. However you notice it's a bad deal, because no matter how much you feminize yourself, no matter how good it feels to give in to the demons, there will always be that light inside you that tells you "that's not who you really are, you're playing pretend". And that's why your sexual deviation will never feel perfect, it will never feel complete and fulfilling.

    You know very well yourself what you need to do. You don't need anyone here to tell you. If you want true peace and fulfillment, sexually and otherwise, you need to get your life in order. Accept that you're so deep in the hole that you'll have to eat shit for a long time before you'll start to feel better and notice lasting beneficial changes. It's either that, or continue what you do so far, feel great and very unhappy at the same time, or suicide. Now the last option is for pussies. I have a pretty good life and it's only getting better, but there's still times when I feel like shit when this option pops up in my mind, so I'm sure it pops up in yours too. But it doesn't come from our true self, it comes from that weak part that got us in trouble in the first place. And when I hear myself thinking that I diss myself immediately. And you need to do that too, you have to become angry at the beta male inside you, because it's responsible for all your suffering. From anger comes determination and you use that to start making changes.

    Make an assessment of your life and think about all the things you do that you're not proud of. Things that you don't like telling other people. Now pick one of these things, not all, and make a commitment to stop doing just that. People who are deep in the shit like you can't just radically quit it all, that never works. Change of mind is slow. Instead pick one thing at a time, allow the rest to continue, be patient. Think of the goodness in you like a small pure bubble in the middle of a world of filth and darkness. Make the bubble grow slowly over time, gaining more and more control over yourself. Try to change too much too quickly, the bubble pops and you're going to break your own word in some way. Learn to respect your own rules, that's the name of the game.

    Here's a thread I wrote a while ago that might help you:

    And a little motivation is never wrong:
  6. Way2bude

    Way2bude New Fapstronaut

    Thank you. you are right, there is no “try” I think that’s why after I give In i feel like shit
  7. Way2bude

    Way2bude New Fapstronaut

    Thank you. A lot f this is right and accurate, I’m really struggling to get angry though which is strange because I was angry for most of my life until relatively recently but I know what I hve to do thank you
  8. Way2bude

    Way2bude New Fapstronaut

    Tha m you. I’m not entirely sure what you mean however, I know I’m straight and always have been, I’ve never found anyone except woman attractive in real life.

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