What have you done for your wife (GF/BF/SO) today?

Hell, this is a tough one for me. My wife left me almost two months ago and filed for divorce. I saw her for the first time on Monday, and things went well.

For me, it's just about being available. I've been sexually and emotionally unavailable for a long time, so I'm doing my best to be there for her, even though she hasn't changed her mind on the divorce. She sent me a text yesterday to help her pick up a Christmas tree, and of course I said yes. Loaded it onto the jeep and was able to spend some quality time with her decorating her (used to be 'our') apartment.

Today she asked if I could pick up her (used to be 'our') dog one day this week and once next week. I had to think about that one because I told myself I wouldn't do that. I'd draw the line at helping her take care of the dog, because this is the path she chose. Divorce means I'm not gonna be her little helper...

But I couldn't resist. I agreed to it. I basically have a little more than four months to show her that I've made positive changes in my life before the divorce goes through and is finalized. I'm using this time as kind of a mourning process, like if I found out she had cancer and was going to die in four months. I would be there for her as much as possible until the end. So that's what I'm doing.

Anyway, thanks for your share. Great topic. Hopefully we can all learn from eachother how to build better relationships and keep from falling into old habits. Cheers.

 

Great point. I lost my marriage recently for various reasons and if there was one thing I would do different it would have been some of the above.

One thing I would add though is don't make sex in your relationship a primary objective. Love is a doing word, its something we have to do(and be!), not just say etc. I had a collegue who told me he gives the wife a bunch of flowers once a month to 'keep her sweet'. He didn't give a shit about her and they were both miserable in reality even though they put a great 'performance ' on in public'.

Don't love with a motive (and I'm NOT saying that's what the above post was suggesting as it is such a relevant issue that needed bringing up!)Love because you love and REALLY think what that word means to you before you 'practice' it further?

And be careful that the next time you do something for your wife etc you are NOT point scoring. Just suggestions.

 

Yes, this is such an important topic. Getting the balance is so crucial whether your together or seperated other whatever stage your relationship is in.

On the subject of stages of relationships there's a phenomenal book called ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' which really really explains the common mistakes we all make in relationships that could so easily be avoided with knowledge and communication etc. Can't recommended it enough.

I once read a book called ' Hes a stud she's a slut' which addressed the massive imbalances our so called 'civilized ' (insane!!) society has in male/female relations etc and surely one of the massive things people on here are helping to achieve is to play our (massively significant) part in redressing that (incredibly important!) balance?

I think this stuff REALLY matters so if I'm on my soap box I don't give a s**t!! (ahem!!)

 

I once heard a lecture and they said...
women show love outside of the bed
men show love inside the the bed

I guess they also expect love outside of the bed,
I agree, my wife is stressed and whenever she is stressed she is less in the mood.
I usually clean and do stuff not for sex...its mostly about reducing her stress...she is not really nice when she is too stressed generally, her anger falling on me and then i feel shit or we fight. When she relaxed she can simply come and hug me.

cleaning dishes is nice..and helping.
washing/cleaning floor is a little more helping. (we about to receive a robot for cleaning, so this should help..she is SO excited about it)
BUT cleaning doesn't mean she will jump for sex. Sometimes it surprises me, for example..one day she is working in the kitchen..i come to her, and kiss her all over her face. I grab her boobs, and i think i said yami yami..I miss those boobs...I don't remember what she said, but it was BJ in the end
The best relaxed time we had was before the baby. I worked at home, she didn't work...sex was every 2-3 days..and i was pretty much ok, hardly PMO..even didn't have a need. When i did PMO, it was mostly for fun,long time habit..not because of horny.

I heard anthony robins said i think it was him..that you need to invest in relationship, constantly..not only in the beginning. I think i'm trying to get more sex and I'm not really getting closer to her. sometimes simply coming to her sitting near her, taking her hand and holding and doing nothing and watching TV, is making both of us feel good....making better connection. I guess i'm INSANELY horny, so i'm investing less in getting closer to her.
Was once in a workshop, i did some excercise of fast sharing with another woman, i WAS SHOCKED!!!
everything she said was opposite than me.
She said, I don't like whenever every hug has to turn into sex
Then i said, I like whenever every hug turn into sex
And this kind of style of sharing kept going..women don't like every move, every getting closer..is about sex.

 

It's such a fine line between being selfish and self indulgant. And selfish is given such a bad rap by our 'culture' so I use the word self-ish in its positive sense and self-indulgant as its 'negative' counterpart. So I am self-ish when I eat well, excercise, meditate, help others (it makes me feel good!!), etc etc etc. But addictions are self-indulgant, as is doing things for others using a mental point scoring system, or because you expect some kind of needy reciprocation etc.

So maybe we can learn to be self-ish AND self-less at the SAME time. Tis an interesting thought?

 

I'll preface my answer to your question on what I've done to build trust, show affection and earn love points by stating that my GF and I are abstaining from sex until marriage, and we aren't living together. This means that while some of my approaches are physical, none have that end in mind, and I can't come home and do the dishes. But I can do other things.

I've had some trouble in the past regarding P&M with my GF. Since finding out, she's felt insecure about her looks, feeling unattractive, among other negative feelings. While we've been working on these issues and I've been trying to restore her trust in me, one of the books I read that changed the way I approached my relationship was "The 5 Love Languages." Basically the book details 5 love languages that everybody can fall into, and when your partner does your love language, you feel more loved. Once I identified my GF's love language, which incidentally was physical touch, I consciously tried to do more of that, and observed positive results on her mood, happiness and an overall improvement in our relationship. Some things I tried were being more affectionate (holding hands, hugging, cuddling, playing with her hair, etc.) both in public and private, I tried harder to spend more quality time with her, emphasis on quality here, doing actions I knew she would appreciate without intending any reciprocating action from her, basically loving her in different ways.

Things that have worked great have been setting up weekly dates. By dates I mean spending quality time here, where we are both free from distractions (phones off and away), do an activity the other person enjoys (especially if its something you don't like but she does), and simply enjoy each others company. Giving her random gifts (as simple as I thought of you and brought you a piece of cake) go a long way.

I'll end my post by saying that while dating my GF, I've realized she wants to feel as the most beautiful girl in the world, and in my eyes there is no other girl but her, regardless of her mood, appearance or age. When I look at P and M, I go against this, and it cripples her, and cripples our relationship. With this in mind, I would say my advice is to make your wife feel as if to you, she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and do actions that speak to this, whatever this means in the context of your relationship.

 

I'm single at the moment, but I really need to stop being so selfish. This will help me in the future for sure.