What I've Learnt From 365 Days Of Nofap

Hi guys, I'm a sex addict and I have just completed one year of no PMO.

My journey began about 3 years ago when I realised that my addiction was killing me. My mental health was in an awful position. I questioned my sexuality and I experienced HOCD due to the progressive nature of porn addiction. I had little hope in my life despite being in a position that many people would admire: decent job, girlfriend, healthy. However deep down I was suffering. I was scared of being alone yet was anxious around other people. I was never true to my values. I felt inferior to other men. My life was a mess. I started feeling suicidal and questioned what the hell I was doing to myself.

This was when I stumbled across nofap. Reading other people's experiences gave me the motivation to quit, at least for a little while to see if there was more to life than mindlessly staring at a screen and fapping to escape feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and anxiety. I tried to quit and had some success, going a few days with no pmo, then two weeks, then 2 months. However, I always felt compelled to act out. I couldn't accept life on life's terms, I wanted to control everything and couldn't handle my own emotions, despite doing everything 'right' i.e. eating healthily, exercising, meditating, cold showers. (To clarify, these were useful elements of my recovery but not enough to remove the compulsion to act out.)

However, through the forum, after a couple of years, I met a sponsor who introduced me to the 12 steps of recovery for addictive sexual behaviours. I was sceptical of the 12 steps and questioned whether following a rigid programme would make any difference to my life. I also had massive difficulty to hand my life over to 'a higher power' and this is something that I've only done in the past few months. I began working the steps with my sponsor and began to reflect on the patterns that were causing me to act out and I started introducing spirituality into my life. I now go to meetings once a week and although there is more I can do, I feel that I am on the right path to becoming a decent human being who doesn't act purely out of self-interest. I doubted the 12 steps at first but they gave me the opportunity to access freedom in my decisions for the first time in my adult life.

When I began the nofap journey, all I wanted was for the pain of addiction to stop. I just wanted it to go away. Now I've found that recovery opens up the possibility of having freedom in our decision making and becoming good people who support other addicts in recovery. I now have hope that my life is going to positively impact other people. I also now know that there is a way to survive in this world that doesn't mean I have damage my self esteem and degrade other humans.

I have to say life is still hard and I struggle to control my emotions. I try to control situations all the time, I get frustrated over little things, I objectify women and feel tempted at times to act out. For me the only difference is I have a programme in the 12 steps that helps my act differently when I'm faced with a challenging situation.

If anyone has any questions please drop me a message, whether about nofap or the 12 steps. Or if anyone wants a chat. I know that the people in these forums saved my life by showing me that there is another way than addiction. I will always be grateful for this and would be honoured to help any addicts who are still struggling.

Good luck with your journey guys and I hope this serves as the motivation you need!

Love,

Mateus

Update: I relapsed - I was hungover after New Years and also became a bit arrogant after reaching 1 year. Always stay humble as I believe that arrogance is one of the biggest barriers to recovery.

 

Thanks man

 

Thanks man, is there anything you’d like me to talk about in particular? Or just an overview of my experience with the 12 steps?

 

Of course mate. So I first found out about the steps in Russell Brand's book, Recovery. This really simplifies the steps and I would recommend it to anyone who is interested in their own recovery. I tried to apply what I'd learned in the book but struggled to implement any of the steps as I always reverted back to my addictive patterns. After re-reading the book, I reached out for a sponsor on the Nofap forum.

This was definitely beneficial as I feel that working with other addicts is essential for successful recovery. I picked up loads of advice from my sponsor and we began to work through the steps. With step 1, I knew I clearly had a problem that was out of my control so this wasn't an issue. However, steps 2 and 3, which required a belief in a higher power, were really difficult for me to understand. I used to study philosophy so I was overthinking the idea of a higher power and what it all means. It was only once I started attending meetings that I realised a belief in a higher power is a practical step and about accepting that I don't have control of the world around me, I can't do this on my own and that I have to accept the will of a higher power to experience serenity. I stopped questioning why I had to believe in a higher power and tried to 'take a leap of faith'. Whenever I have challenges in life, I try to say the serenity prayer and turn my life/will over to my higher power, essentially accepting that I often don't have control and at other times I need to take courageous action. I'm still relatively new to the process of letting go (3 months) and I consistently struggle to do this but I make sure I attend meetings, journal and also reach out to my sponsor. As someone who always thought they could resolve any issues by themselves, reaching out is one of the hardest things for me. I often feel nervous and believe that I'm being a burden to the other person but try to go through with it for the benefit of my recovery. This part is definitely difficult, as was going to my first few meetings. However, I love attending meetings now and everyone is really welcoming. Sharing in meetings really scares me too as I have a fear of public speaking but you definitely feel a sense of relief afterwards and it helps my recovery.

Step 4, 6 and Step 7 were okay as I feel I can be quite self-aware which is beneficial. However, I did withhold a few points for step 4 which I definitely regret. I'm also slightly unsure about my step 5 as I didn't share all my resentments, fears etc with my sponsor so I'd like to redo this step at some point in the future. I'm currently on steps 8 and 9 which I'm the most worried about these steps as they involve taking courageous action and apologising. Hopefully I can hand over to a higher power and it will go smoothly.

I've definitely been more committed to the programme over the past 3 months and I've noticed a lot more benefits as a result. I'm less obsessed with sex - the other day I spent time with my girlfriend and wasn't constantly thinking about sex. I have more trust in other people - as a result of sharing my regrets and secrets with people I've only just met, which allows me to be more trusting. Less controlling - due to handing over my will/life to my higher power and accepting I don't actually have control over the vast majority of events in my life.

By far the biggest benefit is hope. I used to wake up feeling depressed and didn't know what I was doing with my life. When your focus is on the material world rather than the spiritual world it is inevitable that you begin to feel down. Now I know that the programme can help me when I start to feel low and disconnected. For me, I also came to the programme purely for a selfish reason - to feel better. I think that now I do try to help others more and I'm less selfish. I just need to make sure I keep coming back as I know I have a tendency to be self-centred and dishonest, which leads back to disconnection and addictive behaviours.

 

Yeah man I understand about the struggling connect. If you want to connect drop me a message, I’d be happy to chat. What were your thoughts on the book and how long have you been practicing the 12 steps? No I haven’t tried attending a church, I haven’t even been to SAA in person meetings. How was church beneficial for you? I can definitely see how the community feeling would benefit a recovering addict.

Yeah I haven’t had hope about by life for years as an addict. I’m grateful for finding the 12 steps as they’ve given me hope of a better, more meaningful life.

 

That's nice man, whatever helps you connect to your higher power is amazing. Yeah I agree there is often alignment between scripture and the steps. How long have you worked the steps for?