what relapse feels like..

I'm sorry to hear about the relapse but I'm encouraged how both of you have reacted to the relapse. Your story is trending in the right direction and hopefully your husband can get completely clean. If he relapses again then compare the number of days to this streak. Is it longer? Then that's progress. Is it shorter? That's a great big red flag. It's great that he was able to communicate to you his failure, but hopefully he won't take your understanding for granted. Did he learn from the experience? What is he going to do differently this time? There should never be just an oops and forget about it relapse.

Your personal growth is also commendable. You are handling this relapse logically and rationally and without undue emotion. Thank you for sharing your inner disappointments with us. Although a lot of attention is focused on the addict during a reboot, don't neglect your emotional needs. Have you had any follow up discussions about, not only what it made you think, but how it made you feel?

 

Congrats! That's a huge step for an SO. It took me a while to come to this realization. Then it just clicked suddenly. How would I react if my SO came to me and said he spent all our savings and retirement on gambling? Or if he asked me to drive him to the ER because he was about to OD? Mad? Yes, furious even. But, as @i_wanna_get_better1 put it, I'd ask the big questions. What were the triggers? What could have been done to avoid/deal with them? What is the plan to avoid/deal with these triggers in the future? What is the occurrence of these relapses and is the addict learning from each one? If my SO showed continual improvement I would be encouraged to be supportive. So why not the same with porn addiction?

I too feel this way. I believe it's human nature. While I wouldn't necessarily feel less of a woman if my SO was a gambling or drug addict I would still feel less of a spouse in the sense that my SO would be seeking relief in gambling/drugs instead of confiding with me. What sucks about porn is that it is not only an insult to us as a spouse but also as a woman. Also, the insult is propagated by society in our media having humanity believe that what we have in life is not enough. There is always the NEED for more, when in reality, MORE does not = satisfaction. People feel sorry for gambling/drug addicts, but laugh and poo-poo over "porn/sex addiction". This makes it hard for SO and addicts alike to turn to friends and family for support. It's sad for both parties to feel alone.

Good for you finding the positive! Not only is it helpful to supporting your SO, it is great that YOU are feeling better too. And that is what is really important!

Thank you for your post! You are not alone. This community is one big shoulder to lean on. I don't think I would be doing as well as I am without it. Best wishes to you! Again, thank you so much for sharing! Your words offer hope and encouragement that there is an up side. ❤

 

In working with a bunch of people over the past year I've learned to measure progress, not by the length of the first streak, but if those streaks are getting longer, shorter, or exactly the same. I've also seen people hide their relapses from me or stop communicating with me after a relapse. The fact that he confessed is very good, but I wanted to make sure he wasn't taking your understanding for granted. But at some point WE MUST STOP... that needs to be made clear. Your patience and understanding can only go so far before the addict takes advantage of it and exploits it where they have the best of both worlds. A proper amount of disappointment needs to be shown without discouraging them.

Imagine if it was infidelity... how many times would you put up with your husband cheating on you before you had enough? Would you put up with one one-night stand? Two? Of course you would expect none! He needs to seriously consider the seriousness of a relapse and weigh it the same as you. I'm glad you were able to follow up and reestablish your boundaries and expectations.

 

This is a completely normal way to feel. Go a head and feel sorry for yourself. It's part of the healing process. Once you've gotten it out of your system remind yourself why your heart knows it's not true.

Would you go out and physically change what you look like to fulfill your SOs "needs"? I hope not. His expectations are a delusion. Remind your self of the things you like about you. What do others like in you? Remember the moments when you and your SO connected in a non-sexual way - enjoying a good meal, rocking out at a concert, taking in a sunset, etc. What were the personality and intellectual traits that attracted you two to each other in the first place?

There were several times since discovering my SOs addiction that I would just lie in bed willing myself to get out but feeling nothing but emptiness. By going through the "Stages of Grief" (for me personally, anger, depression and acceptance were the main ones) I was able to accept that my emotions were valid and normal and formulate a plan so that I was not feeling angry and depressed as much as I was. But the first step was getting out of bed. Now I'm out of bed by 8:30/9a on my days off instead of 1:30/2p.

Someone in the SOS group posted this and I really appreciated it since it helped give me a different perspective on our situation.

https://www.hazelden.org/web/blog-p...good-for-your-addicted-loved-one.5003069.view

Hope some of this helps. You deserve happiness. Best wishes and the biggest of hugs!

 

Just read @Zeff journal. Good stuff. Sounds like he is in the right direction and I like to think he owes some of that to you. You set legitimate boundaries and obtainable requests. You are encouraging and supportive in a constructive way.

No matter the end outcome you both seem on the right path. You to finding the happiness and respect you deserve and him to recognizing his true self-worth and value. It's not an easy path. I still stumble across anger and resentment as @ReturningToEarth stumbles across temptation and distraction, but by continuing to communicate and be honest with each other we get back on track. Stay strong! This community is here for the both of you!