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What should I do?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Wolfgirl, Mar 22, 2020.

  1. Mar 22, 2020 #1
    Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

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    I’m just struggling to be the best I can and support my bf in his battle. Sometimes even when he just tells me that he had urges I become instantly sad, although I know I shouldn’t because he is still working hard to prevent relapse.

    In addition, a while back I watched porn a little because I thought it would help me understand what he was going through. Unfortunately, I believe that the porn affected me differently as I wanted to have sex with my bf more. Additionally, I now sometimes get urges of my own. Was this a mistake? Am I slightly addicted now myself? I didn’t MO, just watched porn.

    I feel that my boyfriends urges are getting worse again and I’m preparing for a relapse, but I want to prevent it as long as I can. Any ideas?

    In addition, today we had sex because he was having urges but wanted to have sex, and I thought that it would help them go away. Which it did, but then they came back by the end of the night. He is very tired now and thinks his tiredness has something to do with his urge, does that seem consistent with anyone else? Should I be concerned for a relapse?

    He seems to be in a state where he often thinks about other women in sexual ways and I know he doesn’t mean it and it’s his addiction talking. But it still makes me extremely insecure and sad. Especially because I often don’t know about it happening. He can easily be triggered by movies or (I think) even just seeing people on the streets. I have low self-esteem and self-confidence already, and want to maintain whatever confidence I have.

    Sadness seems to make his urges worse. Should I feel like I’m the cause of he’s having urges because I got upset at him?

    I’m really tired too so sorry if this is bad. I’m just paranoid of him relapsing because he doesn’t always tell me about his relapses. I want to support him the best I can. Any advice really would be helpful.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020
    Wolfgirl, Mar 22, 2020
    Wolfgirl, Mar 22, 2020
    #1
    ankith likes this.
  2. Mar 24, 2020 #2
    kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

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    I cannot find the post now but I believe @Castielle had similar experiences. Definitely stop watching, the last thing you need now is the influence of porn in your own psyche.

    That's great but do not forget to support yourself first.

    There is no "should" and "should not" about your feelings, listen to them.

    The love you are showing him will definitely help. What recovery work is he doing, does he journal here?

    This is called the 'chaser effect' and it is something all of us addicts rebooting in a relationship have to learn to deal with. The intimacy of sex is important for our relationships, but it does trigger urges to watch porn in the following days. If he knows they are coming he may be able to prepare himself with good mental and physical habbits etc.

    Wives and girlfriends here (@Jagliana, @EyesWideOpen, ...) often have to deal with the sadness and anger triggered by their partner's 'wandering eyes'. Hopefully you will be able to find threads with some advice in, or at least realise that you are not alone. Me giving up porn has had an incredible effect on my wife's self-esteem, but it took time.

    I doubt it. One of the great things (though it won't feel 'great' to him right now!) about giving up porn is that it forces us to examine why porn got such a hold on our lives, i.e. what we got out of it. That can be a deep and painful soul-searching. It is part of our recovery work, and perhaps the most valuable part because we grow so much as a result.

    You are doing great, but do not forget to prioritise your own feelings and your own recovery from betrayal too.
     
    kropo82, Mar 24, 2020
    kropo82, Mar 24, 2020
    #2
    Deleted Account, ankith and Wolfgirl like this.
  3. Apr 4, 2020 #3
    ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

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    Like the person above me said:
    Firstly don't have sex, no edging, Some people say they watch porn and didn't fap which is actually worse.

    Remove all triggers which includes from insta to not watching youtube.

    Finally you also don't watch porn so as to understand him, which is also a worse thing to do. lots of people here are regretting the day they watched that first porn video in their lives and here you are trying to get into the mess, I beg you not to do that.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2020
    ankith, Apr 4, 2020
    ankith, Apr 4, 2020
    #3
    Wolfgirl likes this.
  4. Apr 4, 2020 #4
    ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

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    Well, if abstaining is not working, try making him read this book called "Unwanted" by jay stringer, you can buy it online, or else get a free download from other websites. This book is kinda different, instead of stopping things or abstaining, it says to address the issue, like what led to the start of this behoviour? Why is it being continued? What can I do to stop?P.s: If you want the free book, send me your email, I'll send it
     
    ankith, Apr 4, 2020
    ankith, Apr 4, 2020
    #4

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