What to think

You don't have to give a reason beyond what you are comfortable saying. It could be as simple as "there is a personal issue that has no remedy and is too painful to continue". The end. No one needs to know anything else unless you want them to.

I'm so sorry.

 

My husband was a year clean when he relapsed. And he relapsed hard. 4 months of lies. He had his polygraph coming up and he finally broke down and told me. Talking to my csat, she knew my boundary was no more lies. She also had witnessed the massive changes my husband had made, the sincerity in his recovery. She said to me “ you have to decide if what you have is worth staying in spite of this, knowing you will never trust him. You guys have a better relationship than a lot
of couples I see who aren’t even struggling with addiction. You will be fine no matter what you do, but will your life be better without him? What would that look like? Can you live and flourish in a relationship that you cannot trust in”? I looked at her, and I said “ I’ll be fine, I trust myself enough to know that he cannot get away with lying, my gut is too good”. To which she replied “ your gut is better than any polygraph, you just need to trust yourself”… my husband slipped again in December, after 2+ years clean. I knew it, but I had no evidence. How do you prove someone masturbated? I was hoping he’d come to me, admit it.I waited. He only did ( just this week) when I told him I knew he was lying and I wanted another poly. I also told him that I married him because I thought he was kind. I said I no longer believe that. I said I believe you are the worst kind of cruel. You will lie to my face knowing the damage it causes, while claiming to love and care for me . You choose that. I don’t want a divorce. I do not want to split 36 years of a life together. One that he obviously doesn’t value or cherish. So, I’m thinking I’ll head back to my family at the end of the year. He can live here and I’ll live as far away as possible. I haven’t told him. I’m sure he will be shocked. I just have to get some finances in order to do it. God, I’m going to miss him. I won’t miss the betrayal and lies though. I won’t miss the stress of living with an addict. I won’t miss waiting for the shoe to drop. I won’t miss knowing it’s just a matter of time before it gets worse.I won’t miss feeling like he’s comparing my body to every woman he’s ever jacked off to. I won’t miss feeling self conscious when I change clothes, when I take a shower, when I wake up looking like a train wreck. I won’t miss feeling like I’m second choice. Like he has to struggle to give up other women and how THEY make him feel. I won’t miss any of that. I will miss him. But…..

I have the freedom to leave, no more young kids to worry about and enough money to make it happen. I’ve been on this forum and others long enough to know, they don’t stop, they can stay clean a while, but I was just hoping for honesty. Even that seems to be too much for most of them. If he had loved me half as much as I have him, we would not be here. But here we are, 4.5 years into recovery later. Not sure if I’ll keep coming here once I leave. I wanted a story of hope. My husband is one of the strongest men I know, so I really believed he could do it. Now I don’t. I have no desire to ever be with another man, so no real reason to push for divorce. You do what’s best for YOU!

 

I'm sad to hear this. I don't know what to say.
I wish things were different for you two. This sucks. Lord, please help our sister to get through this. May she find healing and joy, and her husband too. In Jesus' name. Amen.

@MintGreen , I'm saddened by your situation too. I'll have more thoughts later. Just know that you two are in my prayers. And I appreciate both of your shares. Thank you

 

My husband only lies about this. He has changed completely in recovery and he hasn’t relapsed in 3.5 years. So I really believe he will be successful. He is committed, of that I have no doubt. His problem isn’t porn now, it’s slipping with masturbation. But that’s an inner circle behavior that he’s supposed to be accountable for. It’s the step that will lead him into a relapse. I know why he can’t be honest. I understand it. I just am not going to live with it.

 

(@MintGreen I hope it's OK to just attend to @Psalm27:1my light's post, even on your journal.)

It's so important for those of us who share this to remember it — the woman we love, the woman we have hurt, loves us and wants to be with us. Leaving is not a punishment for our failings it is an act of self-protection. That was so clear to me when my wife told me that, if I could not stop, she would have to leave. She was afraid: afraid that I would choose porn. It was not an ultimatum it was an act of desperate self preservation.

Is it just a matter of time? I hope that is not true of me, but on route to the day I hit my current streak I too had a near two year streak and then dived back into porn use. I'm not saying the same would be true of your husband, nor that my wife would have been wrong to leave after that failure. But she stayed, and I am so so grateful for that. It was not until I found this site that I pulled together all the things I needed to stay clean.

I've said this repeatedly here, and you won't believe me, but not all porn users compare their partners to the images they consume. I never have. It has always been psychologically important to keep the two things separate, porn use and loving sex with my wife.

This is so sad. I don't know what to say.

Is that true? Lots relapse, but how can we know what's happened to those who leave? And do not forget that there are some of us who stay and do not relapse.

I worry how easily I lie. I don't know if it's a man thing (we're good at compartmentalizing) or just me. Luckily my wife did not want a day by day account of my recovery, she'd just occasionaly ask how my sobriety was going. These forums really helped me with this, it gave me a way into the conversation: I could report on something I'd read here and then open up about my own experience.

I'm good at making my wife laugh. Once, at bedtime, she said "I love you" and I replied "I love you more". We both fell about laughing. That haunts me now. I wish that was not a joke.

God, that would be a real loss for us. You are amazing.

Perhaps he can.

Yes, @MintGreen definitely protect yourself and work out where your best future lies.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you after hearing how much you've struggled. At the same time, I can't help but feel that it won't be the end for you. You've invested so much and I think it's very clear you love each other.

 

To an addict, this probably comes off as hopeful. Just as an interesting FYI, as a partner, this sounded ominous and gave me nervous stomach creeps. The happy ending is not always the same for both people. That she invested so much should be a testament that generates support and solidarity when/if in the end she has decided it's over.
Psalm, I hope you find a way to make a choice that supports your authentic happiness, regardless of what that choice is.

 

I'm just hopeful that it's a happy ending for Psalm and her husband Who knows, love can heal a lot of wounds.