What's better? Positive support or Tough love?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by cryptifly, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. cryptifly

    cryptifly Fapstronaut

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    I'm going through a kick-myself-in-the-ass realization that I'm lazy. Not as lazy as I could be but lazy enough to slap myself in the face and say you're better than this. I read a few posts and I'm kinda on the fence about this subject. Is it better to be a positive voice for someone recovering from this addiction or is it better to get in their face and say THIS IS THE SHIT YOU NEED TO DO. STOP GIVING YOURSELF EXCUSES AND DO THEM!

    This is a sore subject to me because I live in a family that believes in tough love. If you're suffering, you say "what am I doing wrong, and how can I change it?" I hate this because I've recently fell in love with the work of Brene Brown who is a vulnerability researcher and to put it simply, she says, to support someone you need to get in the hole with them instead of standing outside of it yelling down. I love this advice and I wish my family would do it for me. But they won't, so maybe I need to stop crying on the inside and start tough loving myself. Maybe its time for me buckle down and actually grab my balls and do what needs to be done to overcome this shit. I'm really confused and inspired at the same time.

    I want to know what you guys think about the difference between tough love and positive emotional support. Is one better than the other? Do we need a mixture of both to really thrive?
     
  2. Yeah we need a mixture of both, also they shouldn't be as far apart as they seem. Issue with tough love is that it is often confused with something like hatred which is prob only corrosive, still we all know that we gravitate towards laziness, to run from discomfort (even if it is beneficial for us), in the end the only thing that matters is that we choose freely not that we are somehow forced coerced. Likewise the supportive kind can just be sentimental pushers creating weak lazy junkies. Now that I write this I realize both can be equally corrosive or truly supportive depending on how they are applied. I think if you truly love someone, truly love yourself, which obviously also means paying full attention to them and yourself, you will get optimal results regardless the method....

    Brene Brown is awesome, very insightful for certain things, not full spectrum tho, glad I wasn't her kid, I'd prob be an axe murderer by now :D
     
  3. jatar

    jatar Fapstronaut

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    I think, in general, that tough love (approach) should be used when the person is just trying to make it look like they're doing their best to fool himself/herself and others, while in fact they're slacking off. If someone is cheating himself that he's trying his best, some harsh words can help them see the truth.

    On the other hand, when a person is genuinely doing their best but they still fail, I think we should recognize the effort and give support. For me personally it's very discouraging to hear something along the lines of "just do it already, stop finding excuses" when I'm really struggling with a challenge. It just leaves me with the impression that the task is easy and the problem is with me being too weak/incompetent/not knowledgeable enough etc. I tend to need support at moments like that.

    So, in essence I think that it depends on the circumstances the person found themselves in.
     
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  4. cryptifly

    cryptifly Fapstronaut

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    This makes a lot of sense to me, thank you!
     
  5. cryptifly

    cryptifly Fapstronaut

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    What do you mean not full spectrum?
     
  6. Some great insights, from a particular perspective, not something general. But I haven't read her books so maybe I have the wrong impression.
     
  7. cryptifly

    cryptifly Fapstronaut

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    It's tough to apply anything in the realm of science to everybody but I think the topic of vulnerability does this pretty well. We're all emotional beings and I think most of use want to live happy lives. Her research says that in order to happy one needs to be more vulnerable and open to everyone, feeling everything instead of repressing. The more closed-off and walled-up we are, the less happy we're likely to be. If you have a differing opinion I would love to hear it, as I'm, for sure, biased about her work.
     
  8. Not a differing opinion I think this is right, but I think there are a lot of other things to take into consideration. I could be wrong but she strikes me as someone who struggled with a particular problem due to a particular upbringing and found a key truth to improving that and being happier. But what for instance would she have to say about building character and happiness through hardship and discipline? Getting comfortable with physical and emotional discomfort? Or does everything she says basically revolve around how comfortable you feel with yourself and whether or not you are undermining yourself with negative self perception?
     
  9. cryptifly

    cryptifly Fapstronaut

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    She grew up being someone who was a perfectionist. Her research taught her that perfection is not possible and that being vulnerable to people you trust is the way to be happy because being vulnerable allows you to open up and feel all your feelings including happiness.

    She would say go for it. This actually has nothing to do with her research field which is just around vulnerability. Building character and happiness through hardship and discipline is another avenue of becoming happy and I bet she would say that being vulnerable while you're doing that would only add to the process.

    She would say it isn't about getting comfortable with physical and emotional discomfort but feeling the discomfort in its entirety and not running away from it. Discomfort is part of life and feeling that discomfort while doing what you need to do is part of vulnerability.

    Like I said before, it isn't about how comfortable you are with yourself, but with riding through the discomfort that you feel when you feel it without doing things that distract you from it. That is the crux of this work. Living life to it's fullest demands feeling everything that is happening to you. About negative self-perception-- One thing she said that was brilliant that comes to mind is this: Guilt is saying "I did something wrong," Shame is saying, "I am something wrong".

    This stuff is really fragmented because I don't remember things worth crap but I think I got the gist of things. Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher. She figured out the importance of sharing yourself fully with the world and how to combat the shame that has crept into the very fabric of our [american] culture. I think if you have other questions about what she thinks, than get her books. That'll make things much clearer than I can make them. Either way, I hope I helped.
     
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  10. Kiddy

    Kiddy Fapstronaut

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    I recently called an old friend to talk about my job difficulties. He basically gave me an ultimatum, something like this. Your bosses are not going to change. You feel challenged because they are in fact testing you to see if you can overcome this. You have to either be a leader and overcome the challenge or find another job. Don't be defensive. Make a choice.

    It really upset me when he said that, but it cleared up a lot of confusion. I was in denial that my job situation could really be as bad as it seemed. But the hard words from my friend, who I know cares deeply about my wellbeing, allowed me to accept my situation for what it really is.

    Tough love is a hard thing to give, because the person giving the tough love can never fully understand the other person's experience or their situation. So when someone gives you tough love, you have to understand that they are trying their best and forgive them if it seems they don't fully understand you.
     

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