When is it cheating? Trigger warning

Check out @EyesWideOpen's thread Want to know more about Boundaries?

It's cheating if either of you think it is cheating. The important thing for him is not to get defensive and hide behind his definition of cheating but to face the hurt he has caused you and to use that realisation to make himself a better man. That's all much easier to say than to do! Does he post here?

 

His definition of cheating is flawed. For starters, it excludes emotional affairs which, while not physical, do seek the emotional connection of another that should only be sought exclusively in the relationship.

I do think people get hung up on the definition of cheating at the expense of the issue at hand. Like basically @kropo82 said, if either of you thinks it's cheating, it is.

While I am person who often maintains a more nuanced view of issues covered in this forum, your efforts to enforce boundaries should not and in this case are not efforts of trying to control him. It is perfectly reasonable to demand of their partner that they not interact with cam girls. His insistence in this case that you are being controlling is just wrong. This is a classic case of addict rebellion. Your partner is just plain in the wrong on this and appears to be not ready to take his problem seriously.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

You are a female and have been evolutuonary primed for hundreds of thousands of years to feel intense fear of your man seeking out other partners, even if it doesn't involve anything physical. Him choosing to do this anyway is abusive towards you and completely unacceptable, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Here are some questions for this man child:

1. Would he be ok with you being a cam girl and having other men masturbate over you?
2. Is he comfortable with you comparing and fantasizing over other men, maybe preferring their dick size to his?
3. He can't "control" his behaviour. How come this doesn't scare the shit out of him? What if I had an uncontrollable urge to pull down strange people's pants for example, or drink detergent? People that have inappropriate urges that are so strong that they can't control them should visit a health care professional.
4. Is he comfortable with breaking your heart, your self esteem, your trust on a weekly basis, when you wouldn't dream of doing that to him?
5. Is this the man he wants to be? A compulsive masturbator?
6. Is he at ease with other people knowing about his inappropriate behaviour? Because people tend to find out.
7. The PIED, the escalation, the depression, the physical changes to his intellect, the breakdown of his marriage; everything we know that is likely to happen statistically and scientifically when we use porn, will he embrace these side effects when they eventually appear?
8. So he might say stuff like "all men do it". Not true. A fourth of all men do not watch porn. Does he get that you might meet a man like that, realize that you can do so much better and actually leave him?
9. Is he interested in being the best sexual partner you have ever had? Porn viewers are notoriously bad lovers. Is he ok with being sub par for the rest of his life?
10. Lastly, the absolute majority of women consider his behaviour cheating and he is in a relationship with a woman. In order for it not to be cheating, he needs to date a man that thinks like him. Is that an option?

Your feelings should be respected and if he can't do this, he should let you go on to find a partner that cherish and loves you and never let a single tear fall down your cheek.

This man, if he is ok with hurting his woman, have dug his head so far down the sand he is risking to have it popping out of the other side of the earth.

 

And boundaries aren't pointless in this situation. They are designed to protect you, not control him (you have no control over him). Do check out the boundaries link referenced above. Boundaries might be:

- I'm not having sex with you until you stop looking at cam girls
- I'm not sleeping in the same bed with you until you stop looking at cam girls
- If you continue looking at cam girls I am going to end our relationship

Peace,
-Quinn

 

We were a bit like this, the control issues bit. I don't think I could have coped with a boundaries list as part of what I was escaping to when I used porn was a sense of ownership. But I was sincere about wanting to stop, and it sounds like your partner is not.

That's sad to hear. What would he need to make him really see what he is doing to you? I really hope you can both work it out, but if you cannot you may need to prepare yourself for some very difficult choices.

@Merovingian hasn't posted for years, and when he did I found his posts difficult to read, but there was truth in what he wrote:

 

I'm not going to give you advice about stay or leave. What I will say is just because you separate as a couple as a boundary for you, it doesn't mean that's permanent.

I do think you are walking on eggshells with him hoping that he'll see the light and get better for the good of the relationship and the child and I do think that will not come to fruition on its own. He does have to know that he will lose you if he doesn't change. Even then, he may not but there is a better shot. Addicts change when they face grave consequences. I'm not saying give him an ultimatum. I'm just saying that the status quo will unlikely yield results in this situation. I'm sorry, I wish I saw it in a different light but I do not.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Lets get something strait here, watching porn and masturbating is NOT cheating. Not at all.
Watching a cam girls show, whether you pay for it or not is NOT cheating.
Having intimate 1 on 1 chats with a girl on camera who is NOT your girlfriend IS cheating.
Something doesnt need to be physical to cheat.
Now if hes on here, he IS cheating on his own reboot, but if he doesn't want to reboot, he doesnt want to reboot.

 

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/01/19/using-porn-is-cheating/

https://fightthenewdrug.org/is-watching-porn-cheating-on-your-partner/

https://themattwalshblog.com/betray-wife-destroy-self-worth-implode-marriage-one-easy-step/

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/is-porn-cheating_b_5938316de4b0b65670e566d1

https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/01/is-porn-cheating/ (disclaimer: faith based)

 

Taste your own words before you spit them out lol
To a spouse dealing with this issue for a long time , it CERTAINLY feels like cheating . But I DO like to rephrase,, that I was “ cheated “ out of sexual intimacy, honesty etc .
You can’t change someone’s perception of what is cheating in their relationship, so I won’t do that to you . Just maybe don’t start with “ let’s get something straight here “ because that is your opinion , clearly not everyone believes that , especially the ones who have more knowledge and been here a loooong time .

 

Agree 100% . Been around long enough to form my own opinion . I “ feel “ my husband has had a 20 year affair , with PORN .