Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

I have noticed again some slight agitation over the last 24 hours, however I have really stepped up my meditation doing 40 minutes spread out over the day, rather than just 10 minutes. I have also been reading a book about emotional regulation which is making me more aware of my thoughts.
Yesterday I caught myself complaining in my head about something S had done . As soon as I noticed I challenged the thinking, turning it into a thought about positive attributes of S. This had quite a profound affect -I immediately felt love and affection for S and went straight to her for a kiss
I am glad I am having this opportunity to try and objectively as possible assess the effects of the wet dream experienced 2 days ago. I have not felt any extremes of sexuality. I have not been repelled by my wife's touches, neither have I been obsessing or craving sexual intimacy. i have not had a marked drop in energy or motivation either.

My mindset is very much that of the WD being just a thing that might happen occasionally. A bit like catching a cold. It is an inconvenience rather than a big deal, and should have minimal impact on my life. I am hoping that observing the effects of this one will provide evidence supporting my mindset, but I am only 2 days in....I do believe though, that by developing healthy thinking habits around sex, (i.e. not fantasising or planning) there is a lot less psychological impact of the ejaculation. I also think by not ejaculating for 75 days before this WD I have weakened the craving for the kind of stimulation ejaculation brings.
I also know from experience that ejaculating 2,3,or 4 times over a few days has proportionally an far greater effect on my energy levels and mood. I am hoping this WD is isolated and it will be at least another 75 days before the next....

 

Another deadline at work looms...2 weeks of fairly intense work for me. Luckily if I stick to work hours to complete it I should have enough time, as long as I am productive in that time. This leaves weekends and evenings free to be with my wife.
My daughter was over for the weekend so less intimacy and less talking about our closeness. She said very nice things about us though. She sees her mum and dad as role models for relationship communication. She said that even though there is nothing massively wrong in our relationship, we still put the effort in to talk about it and see where it can be made even better. This is a big message to take if you read this log. Don't ever think your relationship is 'fixed' and you can not put effort in anymore, relationships take continual effort because the people in them are continually changing.

3 days in since the WD and I didn't notice any agitation yesterday. I haven't stopped getting sexually aroused, and haven't noticed any drop in energy. I suppose I could surmise from this if it keeps up, that an ejaculation every now and then will be ok, however I have reservations. I think intentionally ejaculating will have a far greater psychological effect than it being during a WD. I think I would start ejaculating more and more frequently, then start looking forward to when that would be, then start the cycle of addiction again.
No, I think for me total abstinence is the way forward. I really prefer the less complicated non ejaculatory life. Like when I have stopped substances in the past, I am gradually starting to get more enjoyment out of life in general. I suppose this is to do with being more sensitive to dopamine. I appear to have the ability to get things done. I think this is less about 'will power' or motivation and more about less of the negative feelings I used to get associated with doing a task that I perceived as difficult . I used to get such strong negative feelings when S would suggest doing something I didn't want to do that I would respond quite forcefully and disproportionally to the actual request.
I feel far more balanced now. I am sure this is not just down to not ejaculating and includes all the associated personal work I do, but i definitely think it has a bearing.

 

Hi,
I am 50

 

Day 4 and I felt fine yesterday. I had energy and what felt like a healthy amount of libido. Not flat and not over sexualised. I was not agitated.
The friend I spoke to about nofap and semen retention got back to me. They were surprisingly receptive to the idea. It felt really good to talk about it with someone other than my wife.

 

I am trying to obsess less about being on the the path that I have chosen. I can find myself googling 'semen retention' 'chastity', 'celibacy' as if there is something I have missed about it. Have I just been excited about doing something new? I suppose I am putting that to the test by actually living the life that fits my values. It really helps me to write that down occasionally though so;
1) I want to be in control of my thoughts and actions as much as possible so avoid doing things that destabilise my mood(such as PMO, drugs, overeating...)
2) I want to be active and enjoy the things I love doing for as long as possible so strive to maintain physical and mental fitness.
3) I want to build meaningful and deep relationships with the people around me so am working to improve my communication skills by developing an understanding of how I relate to other people.
4) I want to establish a strong personal identity so am working on who I feel I really am and how I can live a life that honours that identity.

 

Really enjoying becoming more mindful of who I really am and what makes me feel genuine. I am a bit of a sensitive chap and have always struggled with the toxic male stereotypes I felt I needed to live up to.
My wife is very accepting of who I am which makes things easier but I still find it difficult to express myself fully in public because of the prejudice apparent in the society I live. I work in a workforce which is 80% female which helps.

Desexualising my mind and behaviour has been a real help. I no longer feel I am this creature which requires to ejaculate every 3 days or my head will explode. When you feel you need something so strongly you tend to invest a fair amount of time in making sure you get it. This investment coupled with the continual hormonal rollercoaster caused by regular ejaculation meant that I always saw myself as a totally different person to my wife. This created distance between us. By removing the whole ejaculation issue we are far more similar.
Sexually we can both get continuous and unlimited intense pleasure from sexual contact, but neither of us crave it. We both enjoy all levels of intimacy including non sexual touch, with no expectation of the intimacy having to lead anywhere.
Removing the sexual stereotyping means we are more just like two people in love, it doesn't matter what our genders are.

 

Not noticed any bad effects of the WD 8 days ago which is great news and a real positive reference to take into the future.
Working on becoming more mindful of my relational behaviour, showing vulnerability, and 'being myself'.

 

Libido has gone through the floor. Sex is just not on my mind because of the stress of my latest work commitment deadline this Friday. I have a bit of breathing space then with no other deadlines until May. Even though I am not feeling sexually motivated, I am still being affectionate and wanting affection. I know in the past this has been the opposite - I want sex but no affection when stressed. I wanted the high and relief of ejaculation, but wasn't interested in connecting or being close. I am becoming a lot more aware of when my self talk is negative or directed at my wife. I am able to interrupt it and think in a more useful way.

I have been so less obsessed about this streak than the last. Last time I was counting every day, this time it feels part of my identity not to PMO. What has really made a difference is developing more sensitivity and empathy. Being softer and more mindful of what I think, say and do. Moving the focus away from myself and onto others, being less power focused and more heart and mind orientated.

 

So I submitted the work I needed to yesterday and had a near WD last night. I could tell it was building in my dream and managed to wake up. This fits with my wife's theory that I have WDs straight after I have stress I am under relieved. The last WD was just after a work submission as well. I will monitor.
It is true that my desire for physical contact goes up when stress is relieved. Its almost like the stress hormones are more powerful than the oxytocin so override it, then when the stress hormones subside, the oxytocin kicks in again with gusto.
So technically this is 90 days for no PMO for me, with just one WD. I must say over the 5 years of doing this, this is the first time I have actually done it without lying to myself about sneakily looking at things I pretend are not porn but really are, or pretend I am not masturbating by edging in the mirror for hours a day.
The main difference has been my total admission about my addiction to PMO and the effect it has had on my wife and our relationship. It has been so therapeutic to actually write down " I am guilty of secretly using PMO to get high, which has damaged my relationship". The really big difference was handing over decision making about when and how we are intimate to my wife. At the beginning of this 90 days that was crucial. It took so much pressure off.
Now we are more equal, but I have a greater understanding of when S wants to be intimate and how. Sexual intimacy is not a pressure at the moment. Physical and emotional intimacy are regular and fulfilling, with lovely subtle sexual touching and flirting thrown in to keep the embers burning, ready for when we both feel like stoking them for a roasting

 

The WD materialised last night. There was no stopping it, it seemed to happen very quickly in the dream. The WD I had 2 weeks ago had little affect to my mood and mindset, so I intend to carry on as if this one won't either.
I do not feel totally happy though, I suppose because the old thought patterns of " well if I am going to ejaculated every 2 weeks in wet dreams I might as well do it while awake and get more enjoyment out of it" pop into my head.
That is not what I want though. I do not want intimacy and connection with my wife to be connected to the regularity of some biological bodily function. I want the connection and intimacy with my wife to be an intentional activity triggered by the love we have for each other.
I suppose one could argue in that case then, disconnect ejaculation from intimacy and masturbate to regulate ejaculation instead. The elephant in the room is that I have had 2 wet dreams in the past 12 weeks, I don't believe that they will be regular. If my wife's theory is correct, and they are triggered by the end of a stressful period in my life (in cave man terms my family have been pursued by a pack of hungry wolves every night for a month and we have finally seen them off so now feel safe enough to think about things like to procreation), there is no way of knowing when or how often the wet dreams will happen.
No, I will carry on as before. To continue to weaken the neural pathways connecting ejaculation with stress relieve and self soothing which led to the addiction, I will avoid all intentional ejaculation and work on building a more holistic intimacy with my darling wife.

 

I think the stress I was under after the last wet dream actually nulled the effects of the prolactin surge and dopamine drop. The stress hormones just rode over the effects. This time I am feeling them. It feels like my sex drive is like a wild and very unpredictable tiger on a very thin lead. I just about have control but I know things could easily go wrong and I am struggling for control. When being intimate this weekend I was either " more more more - I want more sensation until I ejaculate !!!" or " oh I can't be bothered, what's the point, this isn't good, its all gone wrong". And it didn't matter which state I was in I would be riddled with guilt for thinking those things. My wife might as well not have been there I was so in my own head.
So I have suggested it might be a good idea to refrain from sexual intimacy until I have settled down, usually about 2 weeks, just to reduce the chances of me doing/saying something I regret.
So now is a time for self compassion and selfcare, and to focus on the non sexual intimacy that is so important in our relationship - talking, touching, holding, kissing.

 

A lovely day yesterday. I explained to my wife how I had been feeling and she was very accepting. We still were intimate verbally and physically, but avoided sexual stimulation.
The thing that really settled me down was writing another affirmation, and I realise now why doing this is so powerful. By writing down details of my addiction and how it affects my life, I am accepting it. I have spent so much of my life hiding things from others I didn't realise how much I was pushing against these issues rather than accepting them and accepting my lack of control. This is what i wrote about wet dreams:
I am addicted to the sensations of ejaculation and orgasm. After I have a wet dream this addiction is strengthened and it becomes very difficult to behave in the way I would like while being intimate. I am more likely to fantasise and be focused on chasing sensation rather than being connected to S in a mindful and present way. If I do not satisfy these cravings while being intimate, I will be tempted to masturbate, fantasise and seek out visually stimulating images and text. Because of this I will refrain from sexual intimacy for 2 weeks after having a wet dream and focus on non-sexual intimacy and selfcare while my hormones reset.
It feels so liberating just reading that. Its almost like I am validating my own pain.

 

A good day off and selfcare day yesterday. I am finding the concept of self as context really helpful while going through this post wet dream period. Self as context is part of the acceptance and commitment model. The idea is that a lot of the time we see our thoughts as coming from our conscious minds when actually most of them come from the subconscious. The subconscious works by analyising past experience and feels and providing a possible course of action or observation on the current situation. A bit like 'suggested purchases based on your shopping habits' that amazon does. You didn't consciously search for those things, amazon just generated them based on what you have done in the past without you asking and put the idea in front of you.
So you brain does the same, it generates ideas and pops them into your head automatically. If we then fuse with those thoughts and believe that we actually thought them consciously, we get confused about what we really think and feel.

The trick then is to become an observer of these automatic thoughts and say "Interesting, I my mind just had the thought that ....". It is then easier to distance from it and explore its value without then taking it further.

 

I keep a simple little graph of daily libido so I can track its ups and downs. Its not massively scientific because it is self reported but it does give me an idea about trends. As can be guessed the last 4 days after the wet dream my libido has been very up and down. I didn't sleep very well the night before last which meant I was tired yesterday. Along with the normal symptoms of tiredness my desire for intimacy dropped right away almost into negative.
I remember regularly having the same feelings when I was ejaculating several times a week. When tired I would become 'cranky', and very antisocial. I could be repelled by the idea of intimacy with my wife which would bring up all sorts of negative thoughts.
The other side of the coin when ejaculating frequently were the highs. The seeking sensation greater than the last which would lead to either very quick sex or more diverse forms of sex to try to get that different sensation. Nothing at all to do with love and relationships, I was literally using my wife as a pleasure device. It seems obvious now how disrespectful this was. My values at the time though, did not reflect the trusting and vulnerable nature of an intimate relationship.

I am happy to say I have development beyond that now. Once my hormones settle down the graph becomes quite flat about the 5/6 out of 10 mark. It fluctuates a little around stressful times but nothing like after an ejaculation.
Now intimacy is connected to the love we have for each other, it is not something that can be just 'done' for either of us. I never used to understand the whole 'being in the right mood' thing. How could you not be in the right mood to get high? And there lies the issue I had, I was using sex to get high and not as an expression of love.

 

Another wet dream last night. So that is one at 75 days, one at 89 days and one at 94 days. Is this my body just 'changing the oil' so to speak but over a few weeks? Time will tell I suppose. Again I will try to be as objective as possible about how it affects my mood and state of mind. I will remind myself of how focused I have been on the path of semen retention and how it has benefitted me this year by reading old posts, and I will be self compassionate when I notice fluctuations in my mood.

 

Crappy day yesterday. Easily agitated, mind tripping off on negative thoughts. Focusing on projects seems to help so I have opened up a personal project I have not found time to work on recently. It will be a mix of problem solving and physical work outside.
I wonder how long it will be to my next nocturnal emission?
I really am not changing my mind about semen retention. I think it is a great idea for loads of reasons. I need to reframe wet dreams though, so they don't have as much impact psychologically...I am so glad I don't have to deal with PMS

 

A glimpse of how intimacy can be when stable last night. Just holding each other my arousal was electric radiating from my genitals through my whole body. No need to move, just lay and stay in the moment enjoying it while it lasts.