Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

During this holiday time I am making the most of having some down time. One draw back of this is that that gives my mind time to obsess about sex as the chaser effect runs its course. This is one of the reason why I want to reduce ejaculation frequency. I am lucky in that I have massively reduced any desire to PMO but those desires can increase the few days after ejaculation.
Yesterday I was thinking a lot about my own body and how I like seeing and touching myself when aroused and how innocent this is and how I should let myself do it and how its no big deal....I was totally fused with the M monster right up until I asked 'Is this really what I want? Is this usually what I want? Why might I suddenly be thinking this way? ...then it dawned on me - the chaser effect was manipulating my mind.
As for P, I started the day by watching a TED talk about the quality of neuroscience research - nothing remotely P related you may think, however I found myself staring at the speaker's breasts and backside. Now this is something I have worked really hard to stop doing and usually focus on peoples faces now, but obviously a combination of just waking and the chaser effect had put my animal mind on autopilot.
I think it is really useful for me to write about these things so that I remind myself this is happening and it is not that I am having some revelation about freedom of expression or human rights(the things my mind uses to try to get me to PMO) it is just the chaser effect.
I recognise that I sometimes I fuse with the sexualised thoughts that come into my head the few days after ejaculation but these thoughts will pass and weaken to the point where they will just be background noise and i can continue living my life by my values.
One of my personal values in honesty and it can be very hard to be honest about the thoughts that come into my head when those thoughts can be so hurtful to the other person. This is why one of my goals is to try to reduce the volume of automatic sexual thoughts I experience so there is less I have to protect my wife from, and less chance of me fusing with those thoughts and taking action I would regret.
Hopefully I can break out of the weekly ejaculation cycle. My wife is on board with this and we have pledged to check in with each other before intimacy to see what our intentions are, and for me to communicate more while being close to avoid the risk of unwanted ejaculation.
Let see how it goes.........

 

Some lovely arousing embraces with my wife today. Selfcare and self compassion are key I think for me to be able to connect. I need to feel good about myself in order to feel good with S.
I am feeling quite sexual today and am accepting of that, S is at home all day and off work so we have ample opportunity to be close even if it is just an embrace in the kitchen or kissing while snuggled in front of the fire.
I feel expressing my level of openness to connection by consciously making affectionate and physical connection is more powerful and easier than using language alone. Saying 'hey honey I am feeling turned on by being with you today' sometimes has the opposite effect on S, whereas physical attention can express intention more explicitly and shows I am not just all talk
.

 

My body is starting to become more responsive now.

I think one of the key issues for me is getting over the craving for more. That niggling drive to get more sensation once arousal has started. I has to be an animal instinct. After all the process of sexual arousal is all about impregnation. Once it starts the natural drive is to see it through till ejaculation.
So I suppose what I am trying to do is hack that animal instinct and interrupt it part way through with the aim of maintaining that desire and passion for connection without triggering the hormonal landslide and associated disconnection which happens after ejaculatory copulation. Or at least slow that whole process down so it takes a month rather than a week, as it is doing for me at the moment.

I see it as an experiment. I am trying something different. Even though I have been focused on no PMO for 6 years now, and have managed to separate orgasm and ejaculation, they are so close together accidents are bound to happen and regularly did. As well as the ejaculatory accidents, the craving for orgasm even without ejaculation can distract from focused and aware intimacy.
So I shall attempt to focus on the present moment rather than the excitement of what the future might bring.


To use a cliché, maybe less is more in this instance.

 

A re run of last weekend - almost. S came to bed after me and instigated intimacy. Last week this led to an emission, however this week we were committed to being aware and close but not so stimulated that I went over the edge.
As communication is a key skill during intimacy I made sure I expressed my desire for physical closeness and pleasure but without (or with alot lower) risk of ejaculation. S very kindly obliged by focusing on sexually sensitive zones in my body away from my genitals namely my mouth.
I love sucking her fingers and find it incredibly erotic. If S touches my genitals at all while I am doing it, it usually leads to an emission. It could have led to me ejaculating on its own however it would have to be a conscious effort on my part for it to get to that level, which leaves it as a great way to have sexual intimacy without the risk of accidental ejaculation. S found my passion and obvious enjoyment for sucking her 'very sexy' and because I was using my mouth I had hands free to touch her.

I still felt the draw of ejaculation as we were cooling down afterwards but the vivid memories of my oral stimulation was enough to quell the craving.

Interestingly this morning S again briefly reiterated the sexiness of last night's encounter. I think this is worth investigating further and will question S about what she thought was sexy about it. One of our goals is to establish a way of being intimate which is low risk of ejaculation for me but still keeps me stimulated and provides opportunity for me to spend time and attention on bringing S pleasure, so anything we both find sexy with a low risk of ejaculation is well worth investigating.
Will report back tomorrow...

 

I was looking at something totally unrelated which happened to have a topless woman on and she accused me of looking at P. I thought at the time what a great opportunity to come clean so told her my whole 40 year history of using P, I also came out to her as bisexual but not wanting anyone but her, this all after 20 years of marriage and her not knowing.
In terms of using P I explained it was an addiction that I had been trying to stop but was totally hooked. I was prepared for her to leave me. Because I had not been unfaithful with a real person she said she wouldn't leave me.
It wasn't pretty though, it contributed to her needing therapy for a year or so.

In terms of advice, I think you need to be prepared for your your gf to end the relationship if she feels she needs to. You also need to stress to her that you are getting help, you want to change, and the P was not caused in any way by her or her behaviour. Many partners blame themselves in some way.
Loads of support on this site if you reach out.
Good luck.

 

I asked my wife about why she found our intimacy so sexy. It was because she genuinely felt I was not craving for O. I enjoyed sucking her fingers and her intimate touches and was content with that.
The conversation then blossomed into a very open discussion about how our respective bodies work.
We decided we are almost like ying and yang. If I have different erotic zones stimulated at the same time it causes almost instant O, whereas S actually needs different zones stimulating to even get on the road to O.
When I have just my genitals stimulated O is almost always in the cross wires, even if I am not intending on going there it is still in my field of vision and is only a few seconds away with the wrong stimulation. If S only has her genitals stimulated she can't even see O on the horizon - she needs more.
When I have erotic zones other than my genitals stimulated it is a very enjoyable and long road towards O, off in the distance and round a bend. There is no craving for the summit of O or a chance of it accidentally happening so I am able to relax and let myself go into the moment. S described this as very much the same path she is on when sexually aroused.
So a really good communication session this morning which will hopefully bring us both more understanding and pleasure when being intimate.

 

Yeh, I couldn't take it anymore. Keeping secrets is really stressful and the evidence shows it can have negative affects to physical health as well. It felt so liberating to finally come clean, but I felt very sad at the stress I caused my wife.

 

Day 9 today and I am feeling like the chaser effect is significantly reduced. My mind is less focused on arousal when affectionate with my wife - a heart feeling rather than a genital feeling. We haven't had much sexual contact since Saturday night but we have been affectionate and close. The intrusive automatic sexual thoughts that can be so wearing are far easier to distract myself from as well as fewer and farther between.

I am enjoying revisiting some aspects of Cupids Poison Arrow to keep me motivated and aware of the hormonal cycle my body and mind is going through.
I am feeling quite motivated to exercise and keep to a healthy diet.
Still having some cravings for sex but weaker.
CPA suggests 2 weeks for the cycle to run....

 

Although we are moving away from the regimented daily conscious closeness where we spend 10 minutes to half an hour in bed being close, S asked if we could have such a session yesterday afternoon. I was slightly surprised because it is usually me who instigates.
It was lovely to be physically close and I was not as focused on edging as usual. In fact the nicest part was relaxing into each others arms for some close stillness.

I often fear that S is only intimate with me because I want it, and that for her it is usually a chore rather than a pleasure, and that our closeness can be very one sided with me just taking, and doing very little giving. However S reframed that for me and showed that actually instead of me taking, I am giving my body to her. I am sharing my pleasure - -something I definitely was not doing when regularly masturbating. Even when I had stopped P and never masturbated with the intention of ejaculating, S felt rejected.
By being together when I am sexually active we are accepting that sexual stimulation is currently a basic need of mine (even though I know this is mainly psychological) and that it is far better that I share that time with S, rather than sneak about behind her back.

Ultimately I would like to be free from using sexual simulation as a mood enhancer/soother, and it be literally something I only think about and do with S. I have had insights into how this might work over the last year or so but without consistency. The draw of edging and ejaculation have usually meant I have rarely if ever got out of the post orgasmic 2 week hormone rollercoaster, so have been constantly up and down and blaming my mood on whether I have ejaculated or not, rather than how much sleep/food/stress/exercise/etc I have had.

I am hoping that semen retention over a longer period may help us reach the place where our focus while intimate is on bonding and pleasure rather than stress relief.

 

A bit of a revelation today.
I was thinking about my normal cycle of max 2 weeks then ejaculate.
Why does it happen when I know it throws me into a mood rollercoaster?
My conclusion is that my limbic brain takes over my logical brain and decides it is a good idea. Either that or I try to edge so much I just go over the edge.
My wife knows full well when I am close to ejaculation and often tries to let me know when we are being intimate, but I generally am beyond reason at that point.
This has some other implications other than me trying to control ejaculation frequency, and that is of consent.
Any kind of intimacy has to be agreed between the people concerned. I am often asking for intimacy or just doing it without my wife saying that she actually wants to. She does not say she doesn't but it raises the question of is she doing it for a quiet life? Is she being intimate as a chore rather than a pleasure?
As I get further away from ejaculation - 11 days now - my arousal is so much more sensitive and the pleasure I get from being aroused is increasing massively and I am keen for any kind of intimacy whenever I am available.
S however, has ups and downs - sometimes just wants cuddles, sometimes more. For me, any kind of intimacy at this stage will bring me sexual pleasure.
So the solution:
Give S the control of where when and how and how long we are intimate. She can stop or start our closeness as she sees fit, and I commit to respecting her decisions and judgement. This way she can slow us down if getting too hot, but also meet her own desires by saying what and how she wants intimacy( I find giving pleasure, a pleasure in itself).I will still try to be responsible for not ejaculating but now with the support of S to give me more objective feedback.
This takes a lot of trust. She needs to trust my commitment to respecting her decisions, and I need to trust that we have a close physical intimate relationship which she wants to continue.
I brought up my ideas to S today while having a cuddle. She was so happy. She saw it as creating a really safe space for her to be intimate and to develop the communication skills to let me know how she would like me to behave when being intimate.
We tried out the new technique and it was great. With various words and movements S managed to get me to do what she desired, and I managed to control myself while doing it. Even though the session was quite hot with me giving S oral, I was calm enough not to push for ejaculation or edging myself. The whole experience was very exciting and pleasurable, and S was over the moon at what I had suggested and how it felt.
Another twist to me being easily aroused is that S really enjoys seeing when I am aroused especially when she knows nothing is expected of her. So with the new regime, any time at home and alone when I have become aroused, I can display my arousal to S to show her what affect she has on me. I did this yesterday and today and she said she really liked it. She likes seeing that she turns me on and can relax and enjoy the view knowing it does not need to lead anywhere.

Personally I find the whole idea a real breakthrough in our relationship. I think I have asked S to take more control in the past but she saw it more as me fulfilling a kink rather than a way to progress our relationship.
This time I think she feels confident to take control and has seen how my behaviour changes when I know the only way she will want to be intimate is by me being loving, kind and considerate, wooing her into being close with me.

This is an experiment, but I am very excited at the prospect of how it might manifest.

 

Lovely still embraces this morning. S reached over and gently held my arousal in her hand until it was time to get up. With a smile on her face she watched me dress while I was still aroused. I find it very erotic that we both enjoy the view of me being aroused.
While in bed I noticed how I had very little control of when my PC muscle contracted. Even when I tried to relax, the slightest movement or sexual thought caused a contraction and a twitch in my arousal.
I think working on keeping my pc muscle relaxed while aroused will encourage me to let things build up and float down in a more natural way.

 

Spent a fair bit of time yesterday thinking about why I want to abstain from ejaculation. I wanted to make sure it is not just another passing kink that I would grow tired of once the novelty wears off. My conclusion was interesting. I wrote fors and againsts and found that the list was very similar to lists oi have written about why I want to stop abusing substances. Fors go something like "it reduces stress, makes me feel relaxed and so I can concentrate. It stops me getting too sexually charged and expressing my true sexual desires

 

Such a beautiful experience with my wife last night. She came to bed and asked to be close. Because of the new power dynamic she makes the call on when where and what we do. I said I was willing and she managed to make all the calls in a really loving way. At no time did I feel anxious wondering if she would do this or that, or about asking her if we could do the other. I was able to just relax into the moment safe in the knowledge that S would do what she would like until she wanted to stop. S too said it was a lovely feeling being able to let herself go and behave as she wished, not worrying about expectations.
The actual closeness was really hot but without edging or getting close to orgasm. It was refreshingly strange that we both knew we wanted to avoid my ejaculation so just didn't do anything which might trigger it. No, there was no massive peak of pleasure, but the overall experience was so hot, fulfilling and full of sensual pleasure throughout. Afterwards we lay in each others arms with such big grins on our faces.
This has been such a long journey. We have been together for 25 years and it feels like we are only just actually getting to know each other sexually. Better late than never I suppose!
2 weeks without ejaculation, and I feel really good. I have been here before but not with this attitude. I feel our new approach to closeness will be really sustainable. I feel at the moment like I never want to ejaculate again, which is a place I have never been.

 

We had a really good conversation last night about sexual intimacy and how being mindful during love making is needed to be able to read the other persons messages and intentions.
One thing S was not aware of was the intrusive sexual thoughts that I usually have during sex - "does she want this,.. do that,.. ask her that". These thoughts can totally block any messages coming from S and her body, and also can mask some of the sensations I am feeling.
By giving the control to S, the intrusive thoughts still come, but have no power because I am unable to act on them. It is up to S what we do, how we do it, when we start and when we stop.

In practice this is starting to work really well. Yesterday we were intimate again at S's request. I was able to read S's communication which was in the form of language as well as actions. She said it was the best love making she had ever had. The focus was on giving her pleasure but the pleasure was definitely shared. I was so aroused S couldn't touch my genitals through fear of ejaculation and the sensations flying through my body stimulated by my contact with her body were immense. I know I would definitely not have felt the same had I recently ejaculated. I know I would have been craving more stimulation for my own body which would have distracted from being able to lavish time and attention on hers.

Another thing that came up in our discussions was my wife's fear of me becoming very passive because she is making all the decisions. The worry is that I will just lay there while she gives me M, which is a state we had got to in the past. We talked it through and concluded that actually she is not in total control. I am the one responding to her touches, I am the one reacting to her passionate kissing with more passionate kissing, I am the one showing my enjoyment of giving and receiving pleasure. I am active and present during intimacy not passively having something done to me or carrying out the orders of another.
Where S does have control is in deciding when I need to slow down, when I need to change focus, and when we will start and finish because these can be the areas I really struggle with. My limbic brain takes over and talks me into pushing a bit closer to O(mine or hers) or asking for something she doesn't want to do.
We have evidence to support the above issue. I know so many times when i have said, 'please do this', S has done it, and I feel a sense of disappointment, other times I have left S to decide what happens and it is so much more exciting. We concluded when discussing this that I really do not know what I need or want when in a highly aroused state, and this is why S is in a better position to decide what happens.

 

Another passionate encounter instigated by my wife yesterday. I am obviously building awareness about my thinking patterns during love making.
There was an instance yesterday when my wife changed positions that I knew that it might cause an ejaculation. I noticed my mind saying "yes, but she must want this position, don't move or she will be disappointed, try not to come!"
In the past this would usually lead to ejaculation. Yesterday, because I was aware of the thought, I managed to slow her right down, and re-adjust to a slightly safer position, thus avoiding an ejaculation and prolonging our exquisite love making. (just to clarify this was not intercourse just very passionate embraces).
Although we have given over ultimate control on when, where and how we are intimate to S, I still have a responsibility to take action if I feel I am nearing orgasm.
I am starting to feel really good about this kerezza style of lovemaking. I am starting to feel the purported benefits of semen retention as well as building an honest and intimate connection with my wife.

 

A cool day yesterday with instances of passionate kissing and embraces. I did not feel frustrated in anyway because as soon as any thought about entitlement comes into my head it is countered with the thought "that is fine, she is in control, if she wants to do something she will let me know".
So I was a little worried that this might mean she is the one who has to initiate all the time. Actually it is me who often initiates the passionate kissing which is the perfect opportunity for her to let me know if she wants more. The difference is that I no longer push my own sexual pleasure agenda.
This morning I gave S a back rub before I got up then she enjoyed watching me dress while I was very aroused. This is one of the ways I feel she knows I desire her, rather than am just after her pleasuring me. I was very aroused but because she had not let me know she wanted to engaging in anything sexual, I was totally happy to carry on with my day. Our smiles at each other acknowledging my arousal was an erotic act in itself.
Its interesting thinking back to say 10 days ago when my mind was totally full of sexual stuff all day it seemed. Now I have a good sense of erotic excitement when I am aroused but am leveling out nicely for the rest of the time. Really glad the chaser effect has left me!

 

Another day yesterday low in sexual intimacy. We had some lovely kissing and the occasional sensual touch.
Like the day before this felt comfortable because I feel I gave S opportunities to be more close but she chose not to take them meaning she obviously didn't feel like it. The whole point of her choosing when and how we are intimate is so she doesn't feel pressured into being close.
We are reading - "How to have ridiculously good sex" at the moment. Chapter by chapter and sharing our thoughts after reading. The latest chapter has been talking about how the female loves to be chased and that it is a real turn off for a man never to initiate. This got me a bit worried considering the power dynamic between S and I at the moment, however I have issues with what the author says. The author stresses that maybe things will change and be more equal in the future but he doesn't think we are there yet. So really what he is saying that the woman needing to be chased is his predominant experience and is unsure of its origin whether biological or social. I believe that he is missing the complexity of the situation. I think we all like to be desired and we all have times we want to ravish our partners. I feel the point the author is missing is that of consent. What does 'initiate' mean in this context? Does it mean to start stimulating your partners body sexually? How about stimulating your own body sexually in preparation for sex, is that initiation? And what if the partner does not want to have sex? And how about just saying 'do you want to have sex?' is that initiation? And are we talking about intercourse, or stimulation to orgasm? Or is non-orgasmic sexual contact considered sex?
If initiation is all about giving your partner the opportunity to engage in love making of any description whether that be a quick fondle in the kitchen or a three our session in bed, then I would say my wife and I equally initiate sex on many occasions throughout the day. The question is how far do each of us want to go? That is where mindful intimacy comes in. Being aware during intimacy means that a partner can read the signals coming from them. Very often we do things we don't really want to do because we don't want to disappoint the other person. I feel this develops into resentment if it becomes chronic. Giving our partners the opportunity to signal yes or no to something and really being alert to those signals is key to preventing sexual coercion.
As S describes it it is like a very subtle dance of action and reaction. Each person needs to be totally aware of the other persons reactions so that they can react appropriately.

 

Another day similar to yesterday. We did go to bed in the afternoon and spent most of it talking about intimacy which was great. We talked about the expectations of males to perform and about the pressure on women to look beautiful, and how the modern paradigm is almost taking the worst bits of both and giving them to both genders( men are more and more expected to look beautiful and women to perform). We talked about how in the past I may have wanted to be less motivated by sex but wasn't in the right head space.

We also spoke about how masturbation for women is often celebrated as a wholesome activity to claim back their sexualities, where as male masturbation is rarely celebrated.Ironic that we were talking about that seeing as though neither of us masturbate preferring to save our sexual pleasure for sharing with each other.
These discussions were stimulated by the book we are reading. It has some great insights but we feel a little generalising. Stating all women want to be chased, and no men would want to have sex with themselves. Absolutes are not something we associate with any social science. There are almost always exceptions and minorities.

So 19 days away from ejaculation and my libido is still settling I think. I have been charting my feelings of being sexual since the last emission. As expected they fluctuated from 7-10 for the first 2 weeks and this week have started dropping. I am down to a 5 now. This is good. Less sexual desire fits with our current bonding based intimacy. Having an erection while S just wants to hug is Ok but not necessary.

Still on this wonderful journey of self discovery!