7/90. How much time I wasted in this. Hours of drowning. How sad and how much I missed doing really good actions instead. Actions I like to do. That make others and me feel good instead of plunging into this dullness....my control becomes that much better and I see things that much clearer again.
Day 75. Hectic morning. The battery on our family car died as we were trying to leave this morning. At least it didn't happen tomorrow. Felt a bit stressed out about it but have managed to get over it. I am ready for the next day.
don't be sad bro , since you are abstaining and maintaining celibacy , that is the greatest of all achievements
18/90 I had a really hot dreams for the first time since started streak, but wasn't wet. I woked up and had difficult moments. It was hard time, but still not so hard
So before I start back up again, I want to lend this advice: First of all, I made it 90 days, for which I am rightfully proud of myself. However, what I wasn't adequately aware of the thoughts that I was allowing to dictate my behavior at the time. Looking back, I had come too far to fail, but I let masturbating and porn become a motivator ("I just have to wait until the end of the challenge") and the desire became so strong that I was unwilling to listen to anything I actually believed about what I was doing and I stopped taking responsibility. So, even though I made it through the challenge, I "relapsed" intentionally afterwards under the guise of owing myself some sort of reward. TLDR: Don't be a stupid and relapse after all this progress. You have to take responsibility for your actions, be an adult. A few things about this: 1) if this happens to any of you (and it's likely it will because, well, male sex drive) you have to make a decision, which is perhaps one of the scariest parts about this whole overcoming business - actively being aware of how your thoughts are affecting your behavior and again actively choosing to act upon your values and what you know to be right rather than allowing yourself to be controlled by your emotions and your thoughts. One realization I've made about this is that (and by no means is this an exhaustive description) when we make these decisions and choose porn we're basically saying "I think this other thing is right and I know watching porn is wrong and not what I should be doing, but I'm going to watch porn anyway" which is interesting because it seems that if we know something is right then it should be simple enough to do it. But we tell ourselves stories to get around it all the time. There are a lot of ways around this, but when it comes down to it, you really just have to man up and do it, just like anything else that involves suffering. Another way to look at it is the choice between unnecessary suffering and necessary suffering, and necessary suffering is always much more rewarding. TLDR: Don't be a stupid and relapse after all this progress! Everyone makes tough decisions every day, and when you have that internal dialogue of "I want to watch porn/just this once/I'll stop again tomorrow" vs. "I know I shouldn't be doing this/I'm going to do (a, b, c) instead/how much stronger will I be if I don't, etc." you have to make a choice, and you know damn well that you know damn well what is the right one to make (this isn't a typo. Damn straight, son). 2) DON'T DO WHAT I DID. It's not worth it. I know it might seem tempting, but if you've given yourself this boost stay the fuck away and never come back. Remember, once we build a neural pathway we never really destroy it, we only build on top of it (extremely abridged, but there it is). If you think you won't get addicted then you're fucking wrong - don't give the rules of life the proper respect and you'll wind up at the bottom again. I'm lucky that I've been able to stay afloat as much as I have, but I'm shaking even still and it's not going to be an easy path back to where I was. TLDR: Instead of being stupid and relapsing after all this progress, continue to make more progress and get even stronger than you already are because of it. If it seems daunting, challenge it and make it happen. We are controlled by that which we cannot bare to live without. If there are any real typos, please excuse the typos... I don't really care. They're typos. Hope some of this was of use and can help you keep moving forward. As of today I'm starting the climb again. See you at the top, gentleman.
