I am feeling better. I have rested a bit, and am improving my sleep hygiene. Thank you to those who offer words of encouragement/likes/motivation. 115/365.
After fapping just one day in 33 days would love to go after a year of sobriety. Marriage is so much better without P and M. Day 0.
I need to remember how it felt the last time I relapsed. My mind is playing the mental game, where one tells oneself, "Just one time, it won't matter, its not a big deal." Which is a complete lie. Pornography is one big complete LIE. It is not my friend, it tempts one, and then it leaves you with nothing. I remember after my last relapse, I was crying in the shower. I could barely even cry, I felt a like a had a void in myself. It does not fix any problems, or relieve stress, or help sleep, or any of that sort. I remember how ashamed I felt. I felt like a complete hypocrite. I remember how impulsive I felt going forward, how I would do anything to be free from the compulsion, how I just wish I had my days of sobriety back. I will actively work on my recovery from now on. I am utilizing a very good self help site(Recovery Nation), and I will join my first telephone SA meetings. I cannot be deceived into thinking it is harmless, not a big deal, etc. I have to keep "it" in front of me. I can't let my guard down. I think I am feeling disillusioned now, it is NOTHING compared to how I feel after relapsing and regretting what I have done. It is the worst looking back and thinking a few hours ago, was sober. I can barely look my friends in the eye after that. This storm WILL pass. I have to forgive myself and move on. I am at nearly four months. I can't just throw away that kind of hard work. I will keep fighting. 116/365.