I lost my life and cant get it back

Im having ups and downs. I think im just kidding myself. I had a brief moment of reluef yesterday but for the most part im horrified by this. Im not sure anymore

I need support

 

I need support

That moment or relief was the greatest feelint ever. It wasnt even full relief but it was better than nothing.

I realized how much i drained from my tank however and its really depressing.

Yesterday i may have felt like im 90% of how im supposed to be but im so down than in reality it was just 10% but it felt so good compared to how i was.

But in my normal state without this ever happening what i felt was 10% of my usual happiness or maybe even in the negative numbers in comparison.

My will before was so strong that even as a porn addict i was full of life.

Although i was happy to feel that relief it is not a long term lasting peace. Its actually pretty depressing realizing this in retrospect.
It kind of felt like it does when someone drinks away the pain, it didnt really go away i was just relieved by the grace of God for a moment.


I keep thinking where my life is supposed to be and im traumatized by past memories or hope for the future. Its like that pureness inside of me is broken. I cant explain it well but hopefully you understand what i mean

 

Thank you for your reply and help.

Yes i litetally felt the separation from God and his love leave me when i committed that act. I felt his judgement upon me it was the most heart wrenching thing ever.

Now im being pulled between the feeling of inevitable doom and the hope of propserous healing. Its a mental, spiritual and emotional tug of war. I stay praying and holding on regardless but these feelings take over me.

I feel some kind of brokenness that i cant explain. Its like i went off the deep end. When you give your example i assume yiu never acted out and engaged with another person. Its that simple fact of actually crossing the line that does it for me.

I wish i could take a step back and avoid that and protect my heart. Thats the part that destroys me. And i can think about it more and deeper which makes it worse which i dont even want to do right now.

 

"This shows the truth of Gods Word:
It's your sins that create distance between Me and you. "

Im in total agreement with that.


"Do you see that you have a choice?
Do you see that you are not powerless in your situation?"

Not really. I feel powerless after that moment.


"That does not matter. I just recognize your feelings. The result of sexual sin."

It matters how me. I dont know how to psychologically work through this aspect.

"Did you read in my previous post that there is a solution for your issue?"

Yes. Ive accepted Gods forgiveness but i still feel stuck. Like someone in the fetal position. If youve ever seen those dogs who have pain and trauma and the way they shiver scared and broken thats the state of my mind and soul.

 

My life is just over. i dont think theres any way i can battle it. I love my old self and my old life

 

My heart is literally in so much pain. I hate this so much. I want to break free. Im trapped and isolated in this disgusting muck.

My heart is covered in black tar now. This is ridiculious. Like seriously. Ive never been this somber over past mistakes. I really messed up this time. Every inch of my body is crawling and i basically just want to escape my own mind.

You only have one mind . Mine used to be a sanctuary that i protected now its a horror house and i cant exchange it for a new one. I cant over write this experience, and i cant dissociate it with my mind. Its blended to my mind and tipped the balance of peace and serenity that once inhabitated it. Im poisoned. This is horrendous

 

If ill never be the same i honestly dont want to live. That fact to me will never coincide with being okay. I will never be okay with the fact that things will never be the same so the statement "youll be okay in the end" doesnt ring true to me.

I literally had no clue what kind of tree i was barking up. You think id ever make a decision like this if i know the powerful magnitude of it effects? Ive literally been exposed to a feeling that i didnt know EXISTED. That is a textbook example of naivity.

 

Why is that

 

Ive grieved over my dog dying before but i returned to being the same. Grief doesnt necessarily = never returning to the same

 

Please share me some details because i really need hope at this stage

 

I dont think i ever will. This cost me everything. My mind just wants to explode. Im far gone

 

The level of sadness im feeling is so tremendous. Its a geniune sadness from the deepest part of my soul. Id rather have died early and happy never been exposed to this than to live 80 more years like this.

 

I cant even comprehend or contemplate this. Ive always been able to solve and resolve any problem in my head before troubling me. Not being able to do that here deeply worries me.

There is no rest, assurance, or affirmation for this. Its killing the deepest sense of me. Its like my personality is gone. My heart is missing. I seriously wish i could explain it.

I know it sounds like im writing a dark edgy diary but this is not a silly fantasy. Ive never felt like this before. I just want to scream. Its like theres a barrier between me and freedom. My interal love and happiness has been wringed out like a rag.

Just read and feel my pain. This is coming from the bottom of my heart. I know im not perfect but i never intended to do this much harm. Im remorseful and sorry. Please i want it to end.