100 Cold Approaches

Because she was nervous and anxious around you, not because she wasn't attracted. Have you ever been a nervous wreck around a hot girl and made an excuse to leave the conversation early because you just wanted to get away to settle your body down from the juttering nerves that were shooting through you? I'm not saying every girl you talked to that day was experiencing this but I'm almost certain this one did.

 

It would be good for my ego and pride to believe that but I'm not so sure.

I know the feeling you are talking about though. In fact, all I have to do is look at my heart rate on my fitbit when I'm talking to hot girls - it sends it up over 130 per minute.

One side benefit of this challenge: it's moderately intense cardio standing still

 

One vital part of this challenge is to reflect on approaches and think about what you could have said.

Now, the reason I ended it when I did was that she was turning around when she said the 'I'm really bad at directions' line and what am I really supposed to do? Shout out lines at someone's back?

Here are some things I could have said:

I already went there. I need something called L-Tyrosine. I read that it controls your ability to feel enthusiasm (maybe this is too much like saying 'I need some anti-depressants' to a stranger)

I already went there. They didn't have what I was looking for - L Thianin. I read that it helps memory and concentration.

Where do you go when you need to buy products like this?

Where I come from, they sold vitamins in the same shop as alcohol and cigarettes.

Sometimes my friends recommend me these different supplements. But maybe it's all a con. What do you think?

The last health shop I went in they didn't have what I was looking for at all. They had loads of garlic and ginger tablets. What's next? Salt and pepper tablets? Ketchup powder? (is this too much like an attempt at a comedy routine?)

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I'm not sure of ever using this opener I mean, I think the woman blanking me has haunted me.

As usual, any comments or suggestions welcome!

 

Good points.

I also thought of this on my walk today:

'One of my friends takes caffeine pills to stay awake through the day. What do you think about that?'

Let me also note that generating post conversation ideas does NOT mean we memorize them and use them like an actor next time. It's just helpful to generate those ideas in your brain as it gets you in the habit of doing so, which can help you in different conversational contexts. It might be good to have at least one banked for when the initial question has been answered but after that I think you need to go with the flow.


So today I was walking in the middle of the countryside. See an older woman with a horse.

I say

Me: Hi...is that your horse? (weird question now I think about it)
Her: Kind of yeah, I bought her for my daughter. She's taking lessons.
Me: Cool. Do you ride her as well?
Her: Sometimes but she's tired so I'm just taking him for a walk today.
Me: That's cool. I just have a regular old dog to walk.
*she laughs at this*
Me: Okay well, enjoy the rest of your day!
Her: You too, bye!

I don't know about counting this one...I would say that I can tell that I was the one to end the conversation and I'm kicking myself a bit for not using this just to practice having casual chats with strangers. To be honest, I assumed she was married or had a family just because that's what I'd expect for someone walking a horse. Even if she hadn't dropped the daughter line almost immediately, I'd just assume she was married.

I have decided ultimately not to count this, as I went into it thinking 'I'll just ask about that horse' and not 'I'll approach this woman.' But every little chat you do is strengthening the social skills part of the neural pathways in your brain.

39/100

 

Just some ideas for this one:

Does that park have any benches? I need a bench to read

Is it usually busy? I prefer a quiet park so I can read

Do you know if there are any water fountains in the park?

Do you know if there are any public toilets in that park? I don't need to go now but I find having the option can be really soothing

 

The amount of confidence guys are showing in this thread is just out of this world. And you gotta salute those girls who stop their work just to reply and carry the conversation forward.
However if someone does this cold approach thingy in my region then there are many girls who are attention seekers and they will make a big scene. I know this sounds crazy but this is what happened to many and pretty sure many men and boys are afraid to approach girls due to this reason.

 

This is why we go indirect

So even if someone felt inspired to make a big scene it'd be sort of hard for them to do so. 'Oh my god! Some disgusting male ...PIG asked me where the coffee shop is. Ugh! Toxic masculinity all over again!'

Now she might have some doubts of our true intentions but the idea is just to enjoy having a casual chat with a stranger. If she is against that, she can let that be known by walking away - and most do that.

If you cannot have a 5-10 minute chat about things like coffee or pets or good places to walk around in a city without being accused of being an evil harasser then I'd rather not be alive. Even if that is apparently the case, I'd like to find out how true that is with my own reality tests. Hasn't appeared to be so thus far.

 

Yeah, same is the case here. No wonder why many men are afraid to approach any women. Even if their intentions are not evil but there is a constant fear of being labelled as a mannerless animal.

 

This is where you could get in touch with your personal values and act according to them (even if they are at odds with societal ones). You also can act even knowing that it is a risk. I mean, there's a risk a crazy chick pulls a knife on you and stabs you. Anything can happen ultimately.

But is a life worth living if we let our fears rule it?

 

This is super encouraging and motivating to see guys have a go at meeting women! It's not easy to do without acting out lines, and there is the growth in learning to push through the fear of show your vulnerable side! However, I'm also seeing a few posts about dangerous or fearful situations, and thought I would add my 2c.

We still have a primitive brain when it comes to the blueprint of our social structure. You think about how we value trust for example, this comes back to when we would need to rely on people in our small group on a daily basis to provide foot, protect the tribe from big cats.

When finding a partner, we still have underlying fears. We fear some guys from a woman's group will object, and we fear if a woman rejects us, the very small amount of women left will feel less inclined to like us because of that.

Enter the 21st century where millions of people live in cities and it's unlikely to see the same people all the time... Approaching during the day avoids drunk/jealous men who might object, and if a woman rejects us, the thousands of other women won't know about it.

The fear may never go away, but we can understand that it's largely based on outdated situations.

 

Two approaches today.

I went in with a different mindset - I was only going to approach women who made eye contact with me. Unfortunately, almost all of them were wearing shades - making this is impossible. With me also staying away from 7-10's and not approaching groups or pairs, this meant ultimately there were barely any approachable targets today.

The first target ultimately was a 7/10. I approached her because she was alone with a dog.

'Excuse me, what breed of dog is that?'
'It's a Yorkshire Terror'
'Oh cool, he's cute. I just got a puppy'
'Oh really?'
'Yeah, he's a cockapoo'
'Aww'
'Yeah but he keeps pulling on the lead. Does yours pull on the lead?'
'Yeah (she turns her back to me)'
'Right. Well he looks relaxed now. I've been watching training videos on YouTube. How old is your dog?'
'He's about a year old'
'Mine's about 6 months'

At this point, a mother and sister arrive. They don't even acknowledge me and I say goodbye to her. I thought. It was alright. I stood my ground until she walked away and threw out rambles despite some negative body language (turning around).

I spent probably an hour walking around and not seeing a single approachable target due to my new found regulations about who to approach.

Finally I see a fatty enter a shop and I sit on a nearby bench until she comes out. She is carrying her phone and I walk towards her. There is a woman standing near a shop who can see and hear this whole interaction (audience!) but fuck it, it's just one woman. I'm more scared of guys listening in to be honest.

'Excuse me, is there a smart phone repair shop near here?'
'Yeah, I think there's one over there.'
'Oh cool, because my smart phone screen is broken.'
'Oh no. Yeah, I think there should be one just around the corner.'
'Great. I'm actually thinking of buying a new phone. I'm using an Android. What phone do you use?'
'Android.'
'Right. Some people say an iPhone is better. What do you think?"
'I think iPhones are better.'
'Yeah, I used to have an iPhone and the screen broke in a day. Now I've had this android for 3 years and the screen just broke. I guess Androids are better'
'Yeah. I think if you walk around the corner, you can find a place.''
'Right, I'll check it out. You know some people think the companies make the screen break on purpose so you...'
'So you have to buy a new one.'
'Yeah. Lots of the shops are closed now, (I gesture to a closed repair shop directly behind us - making this interaction appear quite authentic!) but where I come from many shops are still open.'
'Yeah. But I just checked on my phone and there a few places open just over there.''
'Right. Where, I'm from, lots of people use flip phones. They don't break as easily. Maybe I should use a flip phone.'
'Yeah'
'And I'd waste less time on my phone that way. But I travel a lot and I need some apps.'
'Yeah.'
'How long have you had your phone?'
'About 3 years.'
'Right. I need my phone for my job. But the camera is kind of noisy. Is your camera okay?'
'Yeah it's fine. I think you can find a repair place just around the corner'
'Yeah, I'll go over there in a minute. And I need lots of accessories. I had a screen protector for my phone. The one day I forgot to put it on. My screen broke.'
'Oh no.'
'Yeah. Talk about bad luck. Where I come from lots of shops are open but here many are closed. And I don't know this area so well.'
'Right yeah, it just takes time and you'll know your way around. I think you go up the street there and you can find some places.'
'Yeah, that's good to know. Where I'm from I know the area better.'
'Where are you from?'
'Well, I used to live in Japan for ___ years. I'm not Japanese though. And I lived in Canada for ____.'
'Right. Anyway, you can find a place up there so, see you later!'
'Thank you bye'

As you can read from this, I rambled about pretty much every single thing you could possibly ramble about in relation to phones.

Sure, I felt a bit bad as she repeatedly kept telling me where the place I 'needed' was. But I finally got her to ask a question to me 'Where are you from?' and I thought I was in. Then she ends it immediately after that!

And by the way earlier in the interaction she gestured us away from the middle of the street so we could talk for longer.

My interpretation? My answer to the 'where are you from...?' question was too weird. Who says 'where I'm from...' in relation to living abroad like that?

A pretty lonely and frustrating day overall.

This was compounded by the fact approach 33 flaked. That's right, this was the last number I got. I suggested two possible times to go out...she declined both.

I waited a few days and sent her a restart text. We go back and forth a bit. We arrange a time and place today.

It's all confirmed and then as I'm on my way to the arranged meeting spot, I get this message: 'sorry, I'm sick. I can't make it today.'

A sudden sickness that was not there just 2 hours earlier?

And I've sent the I'm sick flake before to girls I didn't feel like meeting. I know how it is!

But whatever, at least I rebounded as best as I could from that and if anything it's just made me not care as much about numbers. They flake. Even if you get a date, chances are chicks will set up a date just out of boredom and decide she's not into you. The chances of any of this ending in sex or a relationship are so insanely slim that you just have to put it out of your mind.

41/100

 

One thing I experimented with last time was trying to get myself in a certain headspace with my imagination. I was thinking this:

'Imagine you are making a documentary now about cold approach. You need the footage. And ANY footage you get for this documentary will be good. Some people are watching? Good! You'll have bystanders in the shot. That'll make it better! If it goes well it'll be great on the doc, if it's average it'll still be okay and if she hates you or something horrible happens like being accused of being an evil pig? That'd be fantastic!'

I don't know, maybe that's too weird for some people. But it helps me to distance myself a bit from my fears, I guess.

 

3 approaches today.

I was walking down to the park and saw two women walking dogs. One was sort of hot the other was not. I don't know if they were mother and daughter.

I opened it up with:
'Excuse me, what breed of dog is that?'
'It's a_______'
'Oh cool. I just got a new dog.'
'Really? What breed of dog is it?'
'It's a ________'
'Awww' (they were ready to end it here)
'Yeah, I'm just having trouble getting it to walk without pulling on the lead. Yours seems to walk okay. What do you do?'
'Just give it food'
'Yeah. I read you give it a treat and it walks without pulling but mine still pulls!'
'To be honest, we just got a trainer.'
'Right. I should do that'
'Yeah. Do it when things open again. Okay, see you!'

I didn't make things personal here but I was glad I stood my ground and forced them to end the interaction. It's a weird state of affairs when I look at being on the receiving end of someone ending a conversation with me as a good result, but it takes some resilience to withstand the urge to do that yourself.

Later I get to the park. I see a woman on a bench with a dog and I think about opening with her. But, also walking around this park is a woman I previously approached with a dog (approach 18) who had also recently sent me a let's just be friends text. I can't have her seeing me doing my dog routine on another girl! So I walk to another section of the park.

I sit on a bench next to a girl and I open with this,
'excuse me, do you know when the gym is open?'
'I think April 12th'
'I ..I need to go there soon.'
'Yeah, I think it's April 12th.'
'What about the theater?'
'I don't know.'
'Right. I've never been there. Have you?'
'Yeah I've been there a few times. Been to the cinema there too.'
'Is there a cinema there?'
'Yeah but it's not great.'
'Is it too small?'
'No, just the resolution'
'Great. I've moved here recently. Just trying to figure out some things to do'
'There's nothing to do now.'
'Yeah well I go for walks, go into town. There's still a few things.'
'Yeah'
'Do you know other parks near here?' (previous opener!)
'Yeah there's ____ and ______'
'Weird how they call it ________'
'Yeah.'

At this point her boyfriend? Arrives and she ended it. I typed the conversation as close to my memory as possible but I know I dropped there 'I moved here recently' bait twice. Probably this isn't a strong enough bait.

Later I walk around the park again and approach another woman walking a dog. The conversation was very similar to my first approach of the day so I won't type it out again. I didn't manage to make things personal but I held my ground until she ended it. It didn't seem to quite go long enough for me to drop some strong bait but at the same time if she ended it early, it means she wasn't entertained enough so maybe I needed to drop it sooner? Maybe I'm letting the exchanges go on about the opener for a bit too long, even though in the past I was dropping Japan bait in like the second or third sentence? It's a tough balance to get right. But ultimately, if these women want to talk to you and are into you these details don't matter.

Later on, I did bump into approach 18 again in the street (downside of doing this in a small town) and we had a short chat. Was a bit awkward since I left a rejection text from her unanswered. Another awkward thing today is that the second girl I approached in the park later watched me approach another gal. So basically doing multiple approaches in one small space is probably a recipe for trouble if you overdo it.

44/100

I can see the end of phase 2 in sight. I'll hit 50 soon! It's a bit demoralizing to think that unless something grand happens in my next 6 approaches, my results from my first 25 are going to wind up better than those for my second. But this challenge has so many variables that it's not a good idea to try to draw too many conclusions from that.

 

So my mental health has taken some damage in recent days as a result of some concerning realizations about the future of my homeland.

I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I went out anyway. Horrible day because doing this when you haven't slept and have been spending 70% of your free time doom scrolling puts you in a dark place psychologically.

The first approach was by the river:

'Excuse me, do you know any parks near here?'
'Parks...no. Wait yeah. There's one_______
'Cool. I just usually walk the same route'
'There are also some fields'
'Right. I'm new to this area'
'Oh okay'
'Usually I go around the race course in a circle. I was looking for a park as well.'
'I think there's one over there.'
'What's it called?'
'I don't know. Anyway, I have to get going now. Good luck!'
'Thank you. Bye!'

Not bad but I didn't drop enough bait or interesting bait.

A while later, I just jump into a hasty one with an older woman. No eye contact and she wasn't even really walking in my direction. But anyway,

'Excuse me, is there a smart phone repair shop near here?'
'Yeah, there's one over there'
'Right. I just don't know if it's open.'
'It might not be.'
'Right, it's just I don't know this area.'
'It's literally right there.' *she walks away*

Not a great target to be honest and she wasn't up for a chat.

A few minutes later, I see a woman walking down the street with a coffee cup.
'Excuse me, where did you get that coffee?'
'From down the street to the right.'
'Thanks. I'm new here'
*she walks away*

Was annoyed about this one. From her accent, I could tell she was from Europe - maybe Poland or somewhere like that. I later saw her with a camera taking photos. She was probably a cool gal. But that was a bad bad opener. I should have done the 'is that a good drink?' opener instead.

A few minutes later, I see a woman with a shopping bag,
'Excuse me is______ open?'
'yeah, it's still open'
'Right. It's just I'm looking for some supplements but I can't find the ones I want'
'_____ should have some or you could try _______'
'Okay. Thanks. I'm looking for something called L -theanin. It's supposed to help with concentration. I need that for my job'
'Okay.'
'I don't know if these supplements really help though.'
'Maybe the staff would tell you.'
'Right. But I'm sure they're going to tell me they work.
'Yeah. Oh and maybe you could try ________'
'I already tried that one. They had all these garlic tablets there. What's next - salt and pepper pills?'
*gets a big laugh* and I feel a bit guilty like what the hell, I'm doing a stand up routine here?
'Yeah they have a lot. Anyway, good luck looking!'

Went alright but at no point did she seem into me beyond just telling me where stuff was and responding to my comments. I could have dropped bigger bait though.

Finally, I get off the train and my phone has no reception. I call out to woman walking ahead of me,

'excuse me, does your phone have reception here?'
'Umm, a little bit. But this area isn't good for reception' *she walks away*

I do feel some regret that these all went nowhere. I probably could have made something happen with the non British gal if I'd only gone for it more directly and not tried an opener which was technically awful on paper.

Considering my mental state and not being at all in a social mood, I suppose this was okay.

49/100

Soon I will hit the half way mark and I will take another break at that point.

 

I used to think that if the woman walks away, it means she isn't interested. But actually, the compulsion to walk away is strong for me too (and I am interested). It's just hard to know what to say and it's an unstructured environment for social interaction. Sometimes it's obvious immediately they just want it to end, but other times I think they end it because they're a bit uncomfortable and you're not doing enough to keep the wheels moving on the chat.

I still can't believe after almost 50 approaches how often I miss out chances to drop bait and though I have improved on my rambling on topics (admittedly often with pre-written lines) I need to inject bait more often.

I am annoyed that I let this one go the way it did. If you use an opener like this, it's way too easy to just answer the question and end the interaction. You want to make that difficult. That's why I should have used the 'is that a good drink?' opener. Yes, it's more awkward to begin with. But at least if she stops to answer that question with an opinion, this gives you a chance to respond with your views as well.

I saw the same woman later but I couldn't approach her again. But why not? I could have said, 'oh yeah, by the way I found the coffee place. Thanks for the recommendation!' and had a chat. It's a small city so bumping into her again wouldn't be that weird. I just became concerned it'd look stalkerish.

I feel like too many of my openers with directions don't get into ramble territory and too often when they do I don't get a chance to make it personal.

I think it's time for me to try an opener like, 'is there a good coffee shop near here?' and accept that this will feel worse than a directions opener at first (since it's unheard of socially) but worth trying out to get out of the monotony and predictability of directions chats (where you have to be very quick and confident seeming to stop them ending immediately).

Unfortunately, sometimes we have to make the same mistakes over and over again. A lot of times I fall back into the same errors because of my defeatist mindset. But all of this helps you learn. Even bombing approaches and getting nowhere is giving you data you can use to improve with reflection and future efforts. Once you bomb in the same way over 10 times you ultimately can learn, 'okay, if I ask for directions and then don't quickly make a comment to further a chat - it's over. Useful information!'

Remember, the actions of confidence come before the feelings of confidence. I read that somewhere and tell myself this every time I don't feel like doing approaches.

 

Today was my first day experiencing a partially re-opened UK. So many possible day game arenas were available - book shops, clothes shops, libraries, coffee shops (outdoors only).

It kind of boggled the mind after months of lockdown.

I was tempted to do a book shop approach but I backed out (too scared ultimately).

I do think the atmosphere was pretty friendly and positive outside and this is about as good a time as any to start cold approach - you have people who have been socially deprived for months.

Anyway, first one - overweight gal. She looked at me at least so I said,

'Excuse me, is there a good coffee shop near here?' (new opener - plus 10 points)
'Yeah, there's a Starbucks over there.'
'But I always go to Starbucks'
'There's also a Costa over there.'
'Hmm...I'm trying to find something that's not a chain.'
'Ok, let me show you' *she walks with me down the street a bit*
'Great. I've just come back to the Uk recently. They have a lot of Costas.'
'Yeah'
'I used to live in South East Asia, they had a lot of Starbucks there.'
'Right. Okay, here it is - see you!'

*she walks off*

That might not sound like much but I was okay with that. If I open, talk a bit about the opening topic and drop bait at least I can console myself by knowing I did everything I could.

Later on, I did a train platform approach

'Excuse me, does this train go to ____'
'Yeah'
'Oh okay. Thanks.'
'You're welcome.'
'By the way, when did they start using these paper tickets?'
'About two years ago.'
'Damn. I preferred those old card tickets. These paper tickets just get lost in my pocket like receipts'
*laughs*
'Yeah, I know.'
'Yeah the trains are pretty regular. I just moved here so I haven't used the train that many times'
'Right'
'I used to live in South East Asia, the trains were really efficient there.'
'Right'
'By the way, I've been looking for a shop to buy an adaptor. You see, all of my electronics are from overseas. I need one of those multi-adaptors' (I was actually planning this as an opener and I thought this was a pretty cool indirect way of dropping bait)
'I...wouldn't know I'm not really from here'
'Yeah maybe I'll go to Dixons or Curry's or Argos. Are they still around?'
'Not many.'
'Wow. Things have really changed since I lived abroad' (she was not into this Rip Von Winkle bait)
'Yeah'
*she is drinking some coffee*
'By the way, where did you get that drink?'
'I can't remember'
'Oh okay. Just I always go to Starbucks so I was looking for somewhere else.'
'I don't know, sorry'
'Right yeah sometimes these non-chain coffee shops are hard to remember. They need a logo or something or a catchy name.'
'Yeah'
'So you're from this area?' (Owch! Asking direct questions before she even asked you one? Not good)
'Yeah I live in_____'
'Oh okay. Sometimes I get confused between_____ and _____'
'Yeah I think one of the stations is bigger'
'Right. Yeah' *stares into space* 'trains...trains are....good. I like travelling by trains. Better than cars' (I am cringing as I type this, I was just desperate for something to say)
'Yeah, you can look out the window'
'Yeah.' *she stares at her phone*
*I spend a moment facing her and then realise there isn't much else to say so turn around*

You know what? That was good practice. Sure, she wasn't interested and nothing came of it but it at least she wasn't stand offish or anything and I had wanted to drop my 'paper tickets' observation for a while. Is it weird I approach this a bit like a comedian doing a routine? Yeah a little but I have to entertain myself somehow.

51/100

I think I will have more venues to play around with now, so that's something.

Honestly, just doing one is good. Just do something, make an attempt at something while you're out so you can come back and know you haven't just been in your head all afternoon.